stop sabotaging myself

a 3 day session with shrinkie, and I feel as if I’ve got a slightly better picture of the things I need to work on..

ok should i care if he were with my friends? i admit that gave me the chills to think he’s dated certain people in our group. what is it about him that makes it so easy for us to be comfortable with him?? do i really want to be another one of his conquests? if we’re not serious should i even care? am i setting myself up for major drama and heartache? i need to seriously weigh the pros and cons of this.

what do i want out of this relationship? do i want to be exclusive?do i really care about him being interested in other women or do i just want him interested in me? i have to be honest with myself. i like our casual dates, i like being single, i don’t want to be his girlfriend, but i don’t want him to want anyone more than he wants me. yet, i’m already too preoccupied about who he’s talking to, emailing, visiting. wtf? why should i care? maybe i’m not ready for casual dating because i’m kinda too selfish and clingy? vain much? should i really be thinking about if he’s thinking about me? or if he’s planning on seeing me on this or that day? he should be free to date, even screw, who he wants to. i know i’m not his future wife and we’ll eventually stop seeing each other. just like i know he’s not my soul mate either. maybe i should tell him i can’t do this anymore and walk away from the whole thing. i was fine before him and i’ll be fine-maybe better- after him. we haven’t hurt each other at this point so it’ll end on a good note. but the fun we have! what to do? i’ve gotten used to not having any drama so these mixed up feelings are most unwelcome. maybe i should just sleep with him and get it over with. we both want it but what would that accomplish? maybe its best to take some time and go cold turkey-not talking about him with friends, seeing if he’s emailed me, or seeing him for a good week. maybe 2. i think that’s what i need to do.

why must i do these things?
because its fun?
well…fun is fun after all.

ok, i got over him but now i’m slowly starting to want him back. why? i’m not even that attracted to him, he’s got more issues than i do, and he probably doesn’t even want to be with me either. is it worth ruining our relationship just to have someone to practice making out with??
i saved my job, now i’m wanting to call in again or slack off while i’m there. its 8 fcking hours out of 24, not including breaks and lunch so its technically 7 that i work out of 24hrs in a day and i can’t even do that much??
i was eating junk food i didn’t even want after a healthy start-a breakfast of canned tuna w no oil or dressing followed by cake and nachos for lunch!
today could have been the start of a brand new me if i wanted it to be. i really need to follow through to accomplish my goals.

i’m such an idiot. i realized the thoughtful email i thought i sent him was still in the drafts folder. lol! i was fit to be tied! oh well, this whole experience has taught me so much.
1. i need to relax! brush my shoulders off and go on with my day.
2. stop making a big deal out of the small sh*t. don’t make something out of nothing(i guess this could be placed under number 1.)
if i can keep these in mind, i’ll be much happier.
huge sigh of relief for not sending that email! but the over analytical me will still wonder about what will happen the next time i see him. can we still be the friends we used to be? can i forgive us for taking things to a level i didn’t want to go to in the first place? time will tell.

i hate it when people play with each other’s feelings. i really hope i can stay away from this guy because i know he’s a walking train wreck right now. why in the hell do i feel so compelled to get with him just from one ho hum night of making out?? i didn’t even want him-hello? i see i need to stop trying to save these guys. why must i always set myself up to get let down?? right now it seems if i stay away from this a*hole it will be the most amazing feat i’ve ever accomplished. our friendship is over and i need to find the strength to walk away from it and don’t look back.

Fuck, I can NEVER stop thinking, and it often gets me into mindsets that I really don’t want to be in.

To do this…

1. Redirect my thoughts whenever I notice myself thinking in unnecessarily negative ways.

2. Keep myself from acting on impulse if I’m in a bad mood.

3. Remember that people aren’t always judging me or thinking bad things about me.

4. Remember that it doesn’t speak badly about me at all when I ask for help.

5. Remember that the world won’t fall apart if I say “no” to someone (about whatever it may be).

I just realize that I sabotage myself with diets. I’m 38 years old and just this minute I googled sabottaging myself and this came up. Now what to do about it? any suggestions people??/

These qotes help me wanting to be more than what I settle for , for so long

I Like this quote “Laugh at yourself, but don’t ever aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don’t leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory.

“There is only one security, and when you’ve lost that security, you’ve lost everything you’ve got. And that is the security of confidence in yourself; to be, to create, to make any position you want to make for yourself. And when you lose that confidence, you’ve lost the only security you can have. ... Self-confidence is self-determinism. One’s belief in one’s ability to determine his own course. As long as one has that, he’s got the universe in his pocket. And when he hasn’t got that, not all the pearls in China nor all the grain and corn in Iowa can give him security, because that’s the only security there is.”