stop waiting

i feel guilty wasting so much time waiting
right now I’m waiting to go to work so today can be over
so i can fail my math test tomorrow and take some reading test after school so i can come home tomorrow to do home work and wait for monday to be over. so i can see a friend tuesday (hopefully). and if not ill be waiting until i get that chance.
)’:
>_<

I’ve noticed that I’m not doing much now…lately, my life is all about waiting. Until what, I’m not sure. It kind of makes sense, though…waiting.

Waiting until I get my own place.
Waiting until Rocket gets older.
Waiting until I find another job.

I should be doing what I want now, while I’m living with my parents. But at the same time, what I want to do takes freedom. So like I said, waiting makes sense sometimes. Maybe I’ll stop waiting and find a house. Then I can start doing all the things I think I need freedom for.

i forget why i added this goal a year or two ago. i guess that must mean i have accomplished it? my life is on track, i don’t have much to worry about, and whatever i wish to do i generally can do. i’m marking this as successful.

..from a very close old friend recently saying that she was delighted that I had taken a break from my job. i just replied to her today and made me realise how relieved I am to not be doing it anymore. Its wonderful. But I have fallen into a winter torpor and need to shake myself up and get back out into the world.
Freedom’s no good if you don’t use it.

I have such a difficult time focusing on the present. I’m always wondering what will come next. Currently, I’m living in Rio de Janeiro and all I think about is what will happen when I return to the states. I really want to be able to enjoy my life and not feel like I’m always waiting for the next experience

I have managed to pick up a little job that will help me to get out and about in the world and do some of the groovy stuff i want to do. Having taken a break from my main earner job, this will help take a little pressure of the finances as i explore my new life. I am announcing the dogs at the two Dublin greyhound stadiums; Shelbourne Park and Harolds Cross. Its only once a week and i get a real buzz out of calling out each dog as they enter the parade ring. So far I have been a kind of L-plate announcer, working alongside someone more experienced, but tonight I am flying solo for the first time.

..i have gotten a few one day jobs that have paid quite nicely. If i can get more of these it will soften the blow of not working properly for the next 6 months and make my new path-forging more practical. On top of being convenient little earners, I really enjoy them. Bring it on.
I finish my last contract tomorrow….Veeeery excited now!

One week to go and then i am on my 6 month break from work. Its time to see what i am made of. As its gotten closer the reality of it has started to hit home. If i dont find another way forward in this time i will be back to square one with a huge time opportunity gone. There’s no excuses now. Carpe Dium or bedamned.

I work on contracts that vary in length but rarely go beyond 3 months. If i’m lucky they overlap or at least the gap between them will be short. They tend to consume me and often run through six days of each week, leaving little opportunity to do much else. Over the years ive gotten used to putting everything asisde when i work which has grown into an unhealthy habit of waiting for each one to end before i pick up my life again. Finally i have put a stop to it all. I finish my current contract on nov 10th at about 10.45pm and i wont be taking up another one until at least april of 2008. Of course theres no guarentee there will be one to take up by then. Ive turned down 5 contracts since making this decision and you can piss off a lot of people doing that, but its a neccessary thing. I need to breathe.
I’m both excited and scared but i’m going to be me for a while and see how that works out. i booked my flight to New York last night. Its just a short trip, with a few days in LA at the end but i cant wait to go. No more waiting for a while. Wish me luck.

I have one week of my current job to go. This job has been such a weight around my neck and the past 3 months have been very hard indeed. Its a bit complicated but i work by contract and for the past two weeks i have been doubling up on another job which will run on beyond the current one until nov 10th. This has made things even harder…BUT…the end is in sight. I have resolved not to take any other work for at least 6 months and use the time to explore other possibilities and i am now getting very excited as this time gets closer.
Then!...on friday after work, one of my current bosses (Big Al) aproached me in the bar; “I want a word…” Ominous. I had just turned down a contract for nov through to jan ‘08 and he wanted me to reconsider. The message was basically that i would be closing the door on this company if i didnt take it. Now in times past this would have sent a shiver down my spine and i would have folded swiftly, but on friday i felt nothing but elation. I knew it didnt matter as i dont want this door to be open. There was a time when i would have killed to work where i am working now, but that time is gone. I need to get out and the time is now.