I’m a 21 year old sophomore in college. I’m young, and should be enjoying my life while I still can, but I feel as though my self-esteem is interfering with my life. I should look good but I’ve let go of my looks last year.
I’ve developed a habit of binge eating to fulfill parts of my life, and as a result gained 45 lbs.
When I first came to college, I was 125-130 lbs. I still had some meat on my bones, but I was satisfied with my clothing size and the way my body looked. I am now 176 lbs and at war with myself.
My ultimate goal is 115 lbs, but if I can restore my body to the way it looked a year and a half ago, I will still be pleased.
Let me tell you about the affects of this weight gain. I’m mentally and physically drained. If it hasn’t already, my health is on the verge of a rapid decline. I was never an active person, but now I feel like I don’t have any energy at all. I’m tired all the time, but have difficulty sleeping because of all the sugar I consume.
Laying down, I feel every pound of fat that is on my body. I feel the fat on my neck/chin. I feel the fat on my arms when I curl up to sleep. By the end of every night, I go to bed feeling the exact same way I feel when I wake up: defeated and with stomach aches.
I wake up in the middle of the night frequently, feeling dehydrated and in need of having to urinate nearly every hour, so it affects my sleeping patterns. I never had this problem when I was 45 lighter. My diet influences the kinds of dreams I have. Waking up is more difficult now than it ever has been because I have no energy and because my back aches. Since I’m naturally small-framed and petite, carrying all of this excess weight around with me has caused back pains throughout my upper and lower back areas. It takes me at least 15 minutes to “get up” everyday.
My stomach hurts everyday now because of my abundant diet, and each day’s more disappointing than the last with empty promises of resolution.
“I’m starting today”.
And then it ends on the same exact note.
Since I started gaining weight, my feelings about my appearance have gotten worse. I don’t enjoy having an extra chin, I don’t enjoy my bloated belly that makes my boobs appear small (They’re a DD cup, and my stomach makes them look like a B cup!), and I don’t like arms that don’t stop jiggling until after a few seconds I wave hello!
I now hate being in public. I don’t want people seeing me looking this way; going to stores and restaurants are always a paranoid experience because I’m worried that people are judging me based upon what I eat or what I buy for dinner. Sometimes I won’t go to the store depending on who is the cashier, just in case they were there the night before and realize I’m at the store a lot.
Buying clothes is inconvenient. I’m short, with a big belly and a flat backside. Therefore, finding a pair of jeans that fit my waist and ass is like finding a needle in a haystack. My gut is a size 13 and my ass is a size 3. Just another benefit of having NO CURVES.
I’ve also come to the realization that some guys like thin girls. Some guys like curvy girls, but most guys don’t like FAT girls, so I might as well be a Skinny Minnie since I don’t have any curves.
I realize complaining about the problem isn’t going to go away, so as I’m typing this, I’m officially on a diet from now on, which prohibits a high calorie intake. I know people don’t agree that counting calories is helpful, but I’ve losta lot of weight and kept it off for three years before I got depressed last year…I’ve just realized that this has worked best for me when all diets have either failed or only resulted in short term success due to feeling deprived…ultimately causing me to overeat by the time I reached my goal.
For the next 100 days, I will be documenting my progress on 43things.
