pray more often

I pray usually more at night before I go to sleep. But I wanna pray more… Just to give thanks to the Lord for giving me all that he has gave me. :)

so, i’m really confused about the men that have been popping into my life lately. i don’t know if it’s a result of the good or bad things in my life. i would like to think that it’s a result of being more social, living life to the fullest, and everything else on my life. the truth is i wonder if it’s other things. men are men are men are men are men. i have to remember to focus on being a better me and not spending too much time thinking about these guys. i saw benjamin button today and it reminded me to take advantage of every opportunity in life, knowing you have a limited window to do all things. anyhoodiddlydoo, i should remember that there is a greater, bigger plan for me. i hope my life is used to make thing better, not worse.

that two second crush should have lasted no more than that, but seems to be extending to a week. oh, men!

anyway, i always thought there was one guy for me, my soul mate. i still feel that there is just one guy out there for me. most people think i’m either crazy or stupid for thinking that. some people voice their opinions, but others politely guide me in other directions.

i had a really strong feeling about this last guy that i met. i should just think that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. then, i remind myself once again that it’s not the right time. i should pray more. it seems like everytime i pray, a new guy shows up. i take that as a sign b/c it reminds me that there are other fish in the sea and i quickly get over my crush-of-the-day just like a teenager. i need help to keep moving onward in the areas that are working in my life. i have to pray about the men in my life. i hope to find my soul mate at the cost of being alone for the rest of my life. is that ok? i think so. i guess i should pray for these men in their lives and for me in my life. that would probably be a better way to pray.

I’ll start thinking about putting together a prayer list. I’ve been praying here and there and feel so much better afterwards. I like starting the morning with a little prayer.

As a muslim, I need to start doing this.
But I just converted so I need help so I can do so. I would love to be a good servant to Allah. :)

I must be proactive. I commune with Hashem throughout the day because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Every mundane activity is an opportunity for encounter.

However, I am seeing the need for some carved out time for prayer. I was praying the traditional 3x/daily for awhile, but that sorta dropped off.

I’m going to start by waking up early and praying for an hour. It’s always the best way to start a day. The difference in my personality after a morning prayer is tremendous, no matter how short the prayer session. This goal is essential to my #1 goal right now, so I’ll be killing two birds with one stone.

I want to do it not because I’m asking for something… or I want something to happen.. but because I need it… I feel better when I pray… I am more calm instantly… all the emptiness is gone when I feel God in me… and he keeps re-assuring me that everything is fine just as it is.. It’s an amazing feeling.. an amazing thing that can happen only if you pray.. To me, praying is like talking to God… or maybe even just keeping quiet, shutting out all the external noises and listening quietly to what he has to say… To listen to his tiny voice in me, so that I know what I have to do.

Although my head is so cluttered that I have a hard time hearing God, I’ve still been trying. I feel so empty and pointless and alone. I have my private thoughts and conversations with God, but the world gets in the way. I want to be more obedient to God, and when I run across people like Bri, it makes me want to tear my hair out and run from anything pertaining to God. She does far more damage than good. She’s perfect and has a perfect relationship with God and everyone else. Whoopdie doo. Wonderful for her. But I don’t want to hear about how perfect she is. I know it’s wrong to dislike somebody for that, but I really don’t care for her and her high and mighty principles that she shoves down everyone’s throat. Now I understand why she and her mother don’t get along. She serves no purpose in my life. I don’t care for her babysitting my kids and she sets me back years as far as my spiritual life goes so I have no desire to deal with her for anything else. She’s like a new Christian who’s so excited and has to tell the world about God. She’s massive overload. She is the embodiment of why I stay out of churches. Anyway, enough about her. I want to communicate with God, but my head is too cluttered, and unfocused. I have a lot of trouble doing my work on the job too. And at home, I’m Little Miss Basket Case, accomplishing nothing, but running around trying to get stuff done. I never truly rest. I sleep and my body repleneshes it’self, but I am the same as when I went to bed. Same thoughts, just a continuation of the past couple hours. My mind is not renewed. Problems are not released and troubles don’t go away. I fret today, I fret tomorrow about why I fetted yesterday and why am I fretting now. I fret about what’s wrong with me, is it ADHD or MD or just depression? The new meds aren’t doing much. My head is still in the clouds and people notice. I can’t seem to keep up with anything. Everything is going too fast and there’s too much of it to make order out of any of it. TEK screams at me for not having the kids clothes and lunches ready in the morning, and for not putting the clothes away. I’m generally a very poor housekeeper, which is not like me. I’ve always been a bit of a neat freak, making sure every little thing is in it’s place. Now, stuff sits on the floor, on the stairs for days and days before I consider picking them up. I can’t keep up with the housework, yet the house is not big. I have to put effort into keeping up with the kids homework. Any time I’m invited to a party or anywhere, I dread it because I don’t want to go. I have 2 parties to go to this Saturday and I feel nothing but stress. I have to buy gifts which means going shopping which means leaving the house and spending money I don’t have. I don’t want to socialize at the party and pretty much fake my way through it. I’m sure I’ll enjoy some of it, but that thought rarely ever enters my mind becasue I don’t enjoy anything except being at home or crafting or reading. If I could shut myself in my room and be left alone, I’d be ok with that. It’s all too much. I’m burned out, and the longer I go on like this, the more I give up. I’ve given up my friends and lost a parent. I still have my crafting though, which is probably the only thing keeping me sane, if I am sane. I’m supposed to be working, but I can’t settle myself to make those calls. I don’t know where my head is, but it’s clearly not on my neck. My memory is noticeably poor. Even TEK, who doesn’t have a memory, notices my diminished one. I even forgot that a coworker told me she wasn’t going to be in for 2 days. So for 2 days people were asking about her and I had totally forgotten so they never knew what was going on till she got back. Know how stupid I felt? I don’t handle things well. And things that require responsibility should not be left up to me because more than likely, I’ll fail. Like cooking. I can burn anything because I forget about it. I have to set the timer for everything. It’s not possible that I’ll forget, it’s most definitely certain that I will forget. That’s how dependably absentminded I am now. Whatever took me moments or hours to do, takes me days or weeks to do now, or it might not get done at all. I’m failing at work, home, as a mother. I’m failing myself, God, and everyone who matters. I’m a wreck. My prayer today is that God give me the answers I need to know what’s wrong with me and help find a solution. I don’t want things to be like this forever. I don’t want to go through this forever.

We’re at the brink and I realize that I never should have depended on TEK for anything. I’m not saying that viciously, it’s just fact. I’m communicating with God because I have to, but I still don’t feel like I have a relationship. I am coming to some conclusions, however. Big change for everyone. TEK is not going to straighten out or be dependable. It’s all up to me. I wanted that not to be true, but now I have to look at reality. I’m going to have to let him go. I need to tell him this, and why. There are so many things I have to change and I can’t do any of it on my own. I’ve tried that already. I don’t know what God will do. I don’t know if I have to turn into Superwoman to get out of this mess. I do know that I have to start talking to God and using my head. I’m a smart girl and I know that with God’s help, we’ll be ok. But first, I have to face some facts and let go and let God. I have no idea how to do that, but I’ve heard it a hundred times. Guess I’m about to learn.

God has been so gracious to me for as long as I can remember. EVERY time I’m down and feel like I can’t keep going he reminds me that I’m not alone and that “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” (Phillipians 4:13). I want to talk to him more and pray for others more often so that their lives are blessed and that no matter what he reminds them that there is LIFE to be lived. He deserves so much more. He’s an awesome God and I hope and pray over this whole entire world. I pray that everyone will experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. Life is too short to start doubting and losing hope.

I’m there. And I’m comminicating. He always answers when I call on Him. I want to do it more often. He’s so much smarter than me. I give myself kudos for keeping Him on my mind this week.