suck it up

talk is over. Hopefully we can work things so that I’m not overwhelmed by the things that are becoming impossible for me to handle and remain a stable, calm, reasonable person.

_{of course he agreed with me- I’m an annoyingly reasonable person, even when I’m ticked off.}

Thanks for all the responses. I think I set this goal because I feel like that’s what J is hoping I’ll do for the next two weeks. He’s not clueless, he knows I’m angry and frustrated, but he’s really not good at multitasking (seriously, during the last play we couldn’t even discuss what we were going to do for our anniversary because there was no room in his head to think about it).

However I am not good at holding stuff in. Some of the stuff I’m angry/frustrated by I can postpone. But I’ve absolutely reached my limit for tolerating his financial obliviousness which is akin to walking into an intersection without looking for traffic. I’m not good at financial shit and it stresses me out to the point of feeling like I should leave my husband just so that I don’t have to look at our bank account again. He tends to go deer in headlights when I bring it up, and I don’t doubt it’s because I am obviously angry about all sorts of issues with our money and I guess despite being a fairly mellow, easy going person, when I’m ticked off I might be intimidating. At least to him.

So I’m going to insist that I don’t care what the hell he has planned for rehearsing tonight, he is going to stay home and talk over this stuff with me tonight before or instead. I’ve been really freaking patient with, oh, wait, no I haven’t. But I’ve tolerated the vast quantities of time he’s devoted to it in the past weeks, mostly to the detriment of our marriage. (I will hand it to him that he’s very good about upholding his responsibilities to the kids as long as they don’t start before 7:30 am.)

Thanks guys.

I’m being a miserable bitch and even getting time with J isn’t making me any nicer. Now all I can do is fret about all the crap I’m always the one to take care of and worry about and I can’t vent because he’s in the midst of the damn play and I’m starting to feel like saying, screw it. I’m not going to do all the worrying anymore. I’m not going to be the one who checks the damn bank balance. I’m not going to be the one who pays the bills. I’m not going to be the one who calls the babysitter or figures out scheduling logistics. I’m tired of being a good sport and I’m tired of always being the one who worries about crap and not having even the slightest idea if he has the slightest idea what our expenses are or bank balance is and I’m tired of being scared all the time and I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of being lonely. And part of why I’m lonely is because I feel like I’m not allowed to say this right now because he’s got to concentrate on other things, and quite frankly, some of this can’t wait till it’s over, and I don’t want to do it myself. It’s not fair.

And so I’m angry as well as lonely and tired of being a good sport. I think I’ve left good sport behind a while ago.

So why do I need to suck it up?

I’m not sure except I think that it’s because I have this idea that we can sort it all out after the play. Although honestly, I’m starting to doubt that. I just don’t think he will sort things out with me before then. Hell, when do we even have the time when the kids aren’t awake? I’m stretching to even get a few minutes of mildly polite social time, even though it’s evident to both of us that I’m pissed.