Wake up to how my life is now, and work towards the life I want

When You Run Into Problems, Bhante Gunaratna

You are going to run into problems in your meditation. Everybody does. Problems come in all shapes and sizes and the only thing you can be absolutely certain about is that you will have some. The main trick in dealing with obstacles is to adopt the right attitude. Difficulties are an integral part of your practice. They aren’t something to be avoided; they are to be used. They provide invaluable opportunities for learning.

The reason we are all stuck in life’s mud is that we ceaselessly run from our problems and after our dersires. Meditation provides us with a laboratory situation in which we can examine this syndrome and devise strategies for dealing with it. The various snags and hassles that arise during meditation are grist for the mill. [...]

So don’t be surprised when you hit some experience that feels like a brick wall. don’t think you are special. All seasoned meditators have had their own brick walls. They come up again and again. Just expect them and be ready to cope. Your ability to cope with trouble depends on your attitude. If you can learn to regard these hassles as opportunities, as chances to develop in your practice, you’ll make progress. Your ability to deal with some issue that arises in meditation will carry over into the rest of your life and allow you to smooth out big issues that really bother you. If you try to avoid each piece of nastiness that arises in meditation, you are reinforcing the habit that has already made life seem so unbearable at times.

It is essential to learn to confront the less pleasant aspects of existence. Our job as meditators is to learn to be patient with ourselves, to see ourselves in an unbiased way, complete with all our sorrows and inadequacies. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. In the long run avoiding unpleasantness is a very unkind thing to do to yourself. Paradoxically, kindness entails confronting unpleasantness when it arises. [...]

When you are having a bad time, examine that experience, observe it mindfully, study the phenomenon and learn its mechanics. The way out of a trap is to study the trap itself, and learn how it is built. You do this by taking the thing apart, piece by piece. The trap can’t trap you if it has been taken to pieces. The result is freedom.

—Bhante Gunaratna, From “Mindfulness in Plain English”

one of the things i want is to look good again… it’s a vanity i suppose.

I selected this goal way before the whole shit hitting the fan in my life that has recently occurred. I knew I was gearing up for the tipping point, I just didn’t realize how soon it would come.

I am now faced with massive life change and am asking myself who I am now? Who was I 10 years ago before all of this happened? Do I want to resurrect that version of myself; can I even piece her together?

I’ve been rather sicky-poo this week which has allowed me many hours of sitting in the tub and thinking about this. What has happened in my life (sorry to be vague, the details are private) is a rapidly evolving situation. I feel like I have spent 10 years cooking and cleaning, setting the table and making napkins into swans, only to have the tigers arrive and devour every morsel in 15 minutes. I spent a few weeks saying to myself, “Is that it? 10 years can be dismantled in one moment? Just like that?” But it wasn’t just like that; it has been gaining speed for 5 years and has been a roaring thunder for the last 2.

I try to remember who I was then, before all of this: I read through old letters and looked through old photos and cards. After hours of that I sat in my incubating bathtub thinking about two things: a letter from an old friend who I have long left behind, writing me from Japan in the early 90’s. He commented on how he knew I would love the paper he was writing on. And a notebook long (literally an entire notebook) letter from my friend Mark who lives in Scotland. He was blathering about poetry, socialism, classism and fair trade coffees while on vacation in Devon. Through both of these letters I remembered something about myself: the only me worth resurrecting is still the person I am now. I can’t really describe how these things reminded me of myself, something about the quality in me that both friends were speaking to and connecting with that helped me connect with that as well.

I feel as if I only need to wake myself up, shake off 10 years of hiding and shutting down. I decided that it didn’t matter about who I was with, or going to be with, or what work I will do, those things will find me; they will come looking for me. It is not that the people and time and jobs don’t matter; only that it is not about how I feel about the work or the love or whatever, but how I am internally in those moments. If I can know myself so honestly then I will undoubtedly populate my life with quality people and meaningful work. I feel like while being a fairly self aware person that I can do better, I can dig deeper. I have hidden for so long, in my body, illness and relationship. I have not been the person that I thought I wanted to be over the last 10 years. I hid, and I’m sick of hiding.

I may not have communicated my internal process very well here: these things are still bubbling up to the surface.

any suggestions for rewording it in a less dire way? (Doesn’t ” Figure out where I’m going wrong in life and change things” sound dire?)

How about “Figure out where in my life, by changing, I could make vast improvements.”

blecch… sounds So corny.

i tend to forget so many things… where i put my keys, plans and committments i made… it ends up at the least annoying people and at other times pissing them off.

I don’t do this on purpose of course. So then, when someone gets angry that I forgot something, I feel defensive and upset, that “don’t you understand i didn’t forget just to spite you?”

i’ve kinda always been this way… losing things, forgetting things, since childhood.

where does this come from? can i change this?

whether it’s valid or invalid criticiscm, constructive or just plain mean, i’m just plain bad at taking it.

unfortunately that doesn’t stop others from giving it… so i’d love to learn how to take it in a way that doesn’t bring me down to the dregs of my soul.

A. to be careful what I promise

B. if I do, follow through (or have a very good reason why not)

like for example, there is this guy, we’ll call him N. He is the cleaning guy for our office. He comes at or after 5 pm, when I’m often the only employee left here.

In the beginning, when i was new, i was charmed by his talkative nature. But then he started to be Too talkative. Like, talking when i’m obviously trying to work or do my own thing. The thing the man doesn’t seem to realize is that yes, his day is just starting here, but mine is winding down. and i need space.

and then, just before the elections, apropos of nothing, he brings up the whole issue of gay marriage. about how it’s wicked. (!!!!!!!!!) (well, he’s evangelical Christian, so i guess it shouldn’t be surprising to me.)

and get this: he tells me his pet theory. that one of things that “turns people” gay is the practice of living with roommates.

(!!!!!!!)

at that point, i was very patient with him, smiled and said, “I repectfully disagree with you about that (I don’t think that something can happen that “turns” you into a homosexual) and also that I disagree with you about same-sex marriage. If people love each other and want to marry, let them get married!”

Well. What he said to that, (parting words as I waved and smiled and was leaving), is “it’s wickedness! it’s wickedness!”...

After that, I think he assumed that I am gay. (!!!!!!!) (because why would a straight indian woman stand up for gay rights, right?!?)

Not that it matters what he thinks, so I haven’t bothered clarifying to him what my personal preferences are. The thing is, since then, he just annoys me. At first, for a while he was a bit cool and unfriendly. then he started being friendly again… too friendly. Maybe the man is praying for me or something. who knows…

after some trepidation, i told him, as nicely as i could, that I’m tired by the time he comes in, and by that time, i’m just in the mode of getting stuff done and getting out of here, so that’s why i prefer not getting into long conversations with him. (this was true before too, but i was more willing to be clear about this after conversations with him started to be less charming)

now he still bugs me… not to talk, like before, but about stupid petty things. Like, he’ll point to a bunch of boxes that are obviously there to be thrown out, and ask me, “are these for throwing out?” I keep referring him to the manager—it’s her job to let him know his duties, not mine. but she doesn’t always follow up, so then he asks me. I told him he should write her a note. but he still bugs me.

i think alot of this has to do with the fact that he’s ethnically indian. He feels easier telling me stuff or asking me stuff. This is the price I pay for being approachable and friendly. He doesn’t annoy anyone else when they stay late. just me.

so what’s the lesson i’m learning here? to be cold and distant? maybe…

hmm… this City is slowly but surely making me into a less friendly, less patient person.

patience way too easily.

conscientious. without being like my dad.

meaning that i need to take more responsibility and try to do the right thing, but not beat myself up about it. (he tends to get angry with himself for being forgetful, or for neglecting something he feels he should have done. i don’t think that’s the right way to approach it, as if one needs to “punish” oneself.

but then, one can be too indulgent too. a la moi.

it’s a fine line