But from past experience, I know it’s not all smooth sailing.
My mum’s coming back for a 3-week break next month. She works in a far away country and our communcation has become quite scant lately. When she first went, she kept telling us, she’s doing it for the money. But when she kept extending her contract year after year, I begin to wonder if money is the only motivation here.
In fact, when she decided to continue working after her 2nd year, we got into a bitter argument. If you can call passive aggressive confrontation an argument, mainly consisting of me avoiding and ignoring her. I know it sounds awful, but I was so hurt when she decided that. I couldn’t figure out why she didn’t want to stay around for us, why she didn’t want to be here for my dad. it depressed me so thinking my mum was happier living thousands of miles away from us, away from people who are supposed to be her family.
We finally got over that when she confided in my sister, saying I was being disrespectful and she was saddened by my behaviour. I finally apologised but I still couldn’t get over how awful I felt then.
She came back for Aidil Fitri recently, the Islamic festival otherwise known as ‘Eid Mubarak. We just moved into our brand new house and of course, we were excited about having her home, eager to please her with all the work we’ve done with the place. But our hopes were dashed when she began to criticise every single thing she laid eyes on, even before entering the house. Everything was wrong.. the flowers that I planted, the curtains that we bought, the way we arranged the furniture. My spirits began to sink there and then, and I retreated into my room soon after. Things only got better several days later, perhaps once she got adjusted to things and the new surroundings.
That was 6 months ago. And now she’s coming home again, albeit briefly. Apparently she’s had another offer, with even higher pay. Seems that my dad has grown tired of discouraging her, so we went along and act like we’re cool with this. But I know, deep within our hearts, this isn’t what we wanted.. this isn’t how we plan it to be.
The subject of my mother is a very touchy subject for me. I do thank her, for all that she’s done for me, and despite everything else. She is after all, my mother. I know I should respect her and enjoy her presence when she comes home. But I also know how hurtful her words can be and how resentful I have become for her lack of presence in this family.
So this goal is mainly for me to get my head and heart sorted out. It’s no use trying to talk these things with her, believe me.. we’ve all tried. How do you convince someone to stay, when they feel happier elsewhere..? So I guess, 3-weeks is all we get and perhaps I should just make the best out of it, even if my heart seems too resentful to play along with my head.
