Drink from the river of pure joy

It was after the official meditation period, while Rafe was singing, but I was still in some altered state.

There was a Voice (not heard, but felt, odd that), and this was our dialog:

Voice: Je t’aime
Me: (huh?)
Voice: Je t’aime
Me: (oh! That’s French!)
Voice and me, in unison: Je T’aime!

Then it was as if I was awash in River of Pure Joy.

As soon as I had the sensation of wow! what was that!? the whole thing evaporated, like a dragon in the mist.

It’s been a long time since I was in the River like that – probably since I was in Tiferet, where there were a few practices when we weren’t being slaves to musicality, and were just singing with wild abandon, or chanting in total focus, and something would occur.

The whole evening was simmered in awesome sauce, but this was something else.

Not from the sippy cup, either – it was a river.

One of the phrases that resonated for me at the Personal Strategic Planning workshop was “Unleash my enthusiasm”. I used to use the words “enthusiastic”, “cheerful”, “energetic” to describe myself. Somehow, somewhere, these words dropped off my personal description list. How did this happen?

Some of it was I have suppressed my natural enthusiastic, cheerful self in the belief that that would make me more acceptable to others. My puppy dog cheery enthusiasm I had heard, was just too much for some folks.

Well, screw that. Has this suppression really got me anywhere? Other than got me to boredom and depression, that is.

So, it’s clear – I need to unleash my enthusiasm. Borrowing from the Obama campaign – be fired up and ready to go. Not hold it back when I am feeling excited by someone or something. Let myself be inspired and be inspiring.

The other side of this goal is a different kind of joy – it’s the ecstacy felt in the presence of holiness. I believe that the right spiritual community will evolve and I will be a part of that evolution. I just can’t make that my focus now – I have other fish to fry.

In a recent email from a friend, he wrote about how he needs to do “things that I derive joy from that aren’t related to reading/tv/movies/internet.”

This made me think: what is it that I derive joy from? How can I drink from the river of pure joy if I don’t spend any time doing things that bring me joy?

There are things that bring me satisfaction:
- Cooking a truly splendid meal for an audience
- Writing a truly inspired essay
- Actually have some craft project look even a shadow of what it should look like
- Organizing something that is cluttered or disarranged; throwing unneeded things away

But joy, joy, this is something else – it is not satisfaction, it is something both lighter and more intense. And while I’ve had flashes of joy, since joining 43things and putting this goal up on my list, maybe while singing or riding my bike, they have been just flashes.

There was a time when I drank from the river, but those circumstances are no more. I thought about marking this goal as “I give up”, but that sounded so sad, to give up on this being possible.

During meditation last night, I realized that I should not limit this to just singing. Singing can be an avenue for me, but it is not the only one. If I focus it on only one way, it may not happen.

If I am open, truly open, and my heart is open, and I am 100% present, it doesn’t matter what it is that I am doing. Then I can drink from the river.

I have decided to make this a focus for my new year of 5767. One of the best and most consistent way for me to access joy is through singing. I need to find a place to sing with an open heart and a supportive community.

How? Where?

I don’t know yet. But I so want this to happen!