visit my fathers grave

The 10 year anniversary of his death is among us. What could be a more appropriate time. It doesnt seem like it’s been that long. He is buried in another state, hence the reason I don’t visit his grave. So I am planning the trip March 14-16. Once I get this goal crossed off, I think I will add – complete geneology on my father’s side and purchase him a tombstone. He doesnt have one. :(

Well Wednesday would have been my father’s 56th birthday. I remember as a kid dad’s birthday being on Thanksgiving and thinking “wow there are millions of people celebrating my dads birthday today!” Of course I realized they were not knowingly celebrating HIS birthday, but still they were celebrating and with familiy and eating good food, etc…

I have not been to his grave in months. I’ve driven by. I’ve thought about him. I’ve thought about stopping by his grave. Maybe sometime this week…

My father died when I was a kid so I don’t remember ever having a proper conversation with him. Now that I’m older, I want to remind him, and myself, that he’ll always be my dad and that I’m grateful for all that he did.

His grave’s halfway across the world and I already visited it once with a bunch of relatives… but next time, I want to go alone, and be able to pray in front of it, and talk to him- tell him my life- the one he never got to witness. =\

My Dad died when I was three. Mom moved us out of the state when I was eight, and I have never been back.

This is a seperate goal from visiting Michigan, simply because I may visit MI and not be able to get to where his cemetery is located. So it may take two seperate trips to achieve both goals.

Of course, if the 1st time I go to MI and I see my father’s grave, I will complete two goals with a single trip.

I just want to go there, talk to him, leave a momento and take a picture.

:)

as I was cleaning my kitchen dad popped into my head. Usually Im able to budge it…but I couldn’t this time around. Not sure why. I been thinking a lot about my family and how having them in my life affects me. A lady at my work recently found out her brother was beaten & killed…it was a sad story. Then this whole thing with Chris Benoit & his family. Its just so crazy. Nobody will ever has the answers why he felt the need to do this. and thinking about my sister & her illness it’s a lot to think about. But it all brought me back to dad and this goal. I think Im good on this one. I think Im ok…Dad knew that I loved him & that he was always my “daddy” I feel about 99% whole inside when it comes to him. That other 1% is something that will never be filled, it’s all the time lost the birthdays he was never there for the things that are gone & can’t be redone. I thought going to see his grave would give me the closure that I needed. But all I needed was time. A few “talks” with him and visits in my dreams and suddenly Im ok. I can talk about him & smile…I can think about him & not try to forget. I still come to tears though with certain songs but its only because of the emotions…the lil girl who lost her daddy. The lyrics are so damn perfect like they read my mind. but yeah…Im checking off this goal. Dad comes around me every now and again & I know it :] and he knows how I feel & it’s ok…Im good now. ♥

ALthough I know he with the Lord, the grave just gives me the option of crying. He is buried in Decatur, IL & I live in southeastern Michigan. So I don’t go often. It is harder on my mother since she has buried my brother 3 years ago. Hey, time is our best friend.

It’s strange. I think of my father off and on, but this week I have thought of him a lot. Yesterday the windows were open at home and the guy next door was out with a friend of his working on something, using a saw. And the sound of that saw and the chat between the two made me think of my dad and all the projects he would work on when I was younger with his group of friends. He always had a car in the garage he was working on or some other project. The sound of that saw and the men’s voices just really took me back to that time.

I guess he has been on my mind because April will be a year since he passed. I can’t believe it’s been that long. Yet at the same time it seems like I have been missing him for years.

he was the kindest person i knew..i know without a dout that if he were still around today i would be a hell of a lot less fucked up. he died when i was 4…im now 13…havnt been to his grave since 2 weeks after the funeral..when my mom took me the the cemetary i cried uncontrollably and it took her 2 hours to pry me off his tomb and get me in the car…i was emotianally scarred and i cried for 4 weeks straight. its hard to remember him now but i think if i went back to the cemetary i could recall, and hopefully i’ll be more mature about it this time…

Yes time flies. This holiday season was a little hard. I miss him a lot, maybe we didn’t talk all the time and maybe we didn’t always get along, but I miss him. I keep avoiding going to the grave, I drive by it a lot and I just can’t seem to turn in and actually visit the grave.

I keep a Christmas list yearly with all the people I want to buy or make gifts for and this year I pulled it up (electronically) and it had “dad” on it. It was hard deleteing his name…Made me think about a lot of things.

I’m in pain knowing that ill never see my father again. I missed his funeral and I didn’t even get to morn the day he passed away. My father and mother separated, battled in court for me, shared me, and then finally my mother won. I was only three. I didn’t see my father again till I was seventeen. My mother told me not to say anything. I screamed for him in my mind to answer me. Say something to me. “Nothing” It was the first time I really saw him. My mother had no photos of him and being only three I had no memory of him. I stared at him trying to capture his face in my mind forever. On the car ride home I told myself as soon as I am eighteen I will call him. I will contact him somehow. The pressures of graduating high school, college, and money problems only delayed my promise. I thought I had time. Now at the age of nineteen my father is gone…

He died..

I don’t even know how he died yet. My aunt who is lawyer called to tell me the news. No one contacted me on his side of the family. I didn’t find out till two weeks after he had already died. I missed the funeral. I missed his last days. I missed ever speaking to him. I missed my chance to know my father. His family didn’t even mention me in the Obituary. It’s almost like they had forgot about me.

I’m angry
im hurt
im depressed
im sad
im tortured
im unforgiving
im numb

I just can’t let go….

And the worst part of all is everyone thinks I should be over it by now…but it’s only been a month. I only got to cry for3 days before my family was sick of me. They tell me things like

“You didn’t even know him, it cant hurt that bad”

What they don’t know is everyday for the last fourteen years I’ve noticed he was gone. I’ve looked out the window and wished my daddy would come get me and take me away. I sat in my room and cried because I knew he was missing. I’ve looked at older men and wished that they were my father. I’ve spent hours in my mother’s room going through photos trying to figure out if he might be in just one picture. I’ve told myself over and over again how much I love him and forgive him for all his mistakes. (mainly the mistake of never seeing me and telling me how much he loves me)

After the first week I hid all my feelings. No one wanted to be around me if I was just going to be sad. So I just keep it inside till I am alone. Always I will be without him now, never knowing and always searching for my father.