Write things that make me happy, daily

Walking to the top of a hill overlooking Port Costa and eating homemade snickerdoodles with Mr. Yes.

Perfect weather

Parmesan green beans so good they made me want to shout Halleluiah

Getting music for the bulletin I need to do

My friend’s amazing redecoration of her house and how it reflects her taking care of herself and her needs/desires

Pushy cats

Sweet dogs, especially big ones

Volunteers to answer the phones

That Mr. Yes is coming to my family’s Thanksgiving celebration and I’m going to his. I’m also going to sleep over on Christmas Eve so I can see Little Yes on Christmas morning.

Mexican food and hot sauce

The beginnings of muscle tone and more ease in walking up hills

Marking a very naughty act off my sexual to-do list and having it be even more fun than I had imagined

People-watching

The phones have finally quieted down

A three day work week

Raw almonds

Pens that don’t let you down at the end of the sentence or sketch

Journals

Ordering a birthday cake for my brother with the words, “Never Act Your Age!” on top.

Noticing that I look for ways to add activity to my days.

I spent Friday with Mr. and Little Yes and, later, his mom. When I got to Mr. Yes’s friend’s house, where he hangs out on Friday nights, Little Yes was in the back, playing. We were talking and I heard him yell, “Tiisi’s here!” and then he ran out and gave me a big hug. I hadn’t seen him in 4 or 5 weeks, so it was heaven. He gave me kisses, too. It was lovely to sleep with Mr. Yes that night. Everything about him is home to me.

Painting/visioning mentorship began the next morning. The only woman who didn’t make it was the one with whom I was supposed to share a hotel room, but she gave me directions and said she would pay her half anyway. We modelled for each other, which was so helpful. My sketches improved out of all measure, until the last was good by any standard. I was the first model, as I figured my comfort in being nude would ease anxieties. Some of us got nude, some semi-nude, some clothed.

We created a spontaneous ritual to call in the four directions, center and grandmother wisdom. We did a brief visioning for the four directions and I received clear images. Then we started painting on our four canvasses. I went to as if I knew what I was doing, getting a bird, a snake, a reclining woman and a standing queen outlined. I filled in backgrounds and did some refining. Then I did something surprising that turned out to be a great blessing. I took a brush and with taupe paint, I marked each painting with rows of taupe brush marks, sort of like mud cloth daubs. I went right over the designs. It was as if I “pre-ruined” the paintings and after that, I was fearless.

I had written, in an other-directed blaze, poems for the nine women and I handed them out. We broke for lunch and I had amazing food at Cafe Gratitude. That night we had a potluck at my teacher’s house and I got to drive my friend’s Prius after she had too much wine. Those cars are trippy! My blood was all messed up, so I was dizzy and bleeding, but I made it to the hotel with no problem. I had insomnia, so I sat in bed and sang and debated going to the hospital. Eventually, I fell asleep.

The next day my teacher showed me a marvelous messy brave way to create layers on the background. Having nothing to lose, I went for it. I tied the paintings together with colors and just when I was sure I was going to really mess one up, it would improve. The taupe marks took on different colors, picking up a silver glaze and then turning gold when I painted yellow over them. I have never had so much fun painting. Lots of amazing occurences that day, most involving finding jewelry that matched what I had written in my journal or said aloud. I felt magical. Got home and as soon as I got my phone out to text my sweetheart, that lovely psychic man texted me and invited me to eat with them tonight. It’s a big deal that his mom likes me. She’s never liked anyone he’s dated. She even gave me a pic of Little Yes.

Haven’t done much today except catch up online and sleep. I want to do more sketching with live models. It feels like a form of worship to me.

In other words, I am very very very very happy and intend to remain so for a very very very very long time!

My friend’s wedding was beautiful, the pictures are great and seeing her again made my heart release a breath I didn’t know it was holding.

Mr. Yes and I had such a good time. He was so romantic and affectionate that I pretty much levitated with happiness the entire week.

I got to see lots of NC and VA friends.

I didn’t fall while walking over the muddy ground wearing 4.5” stilletos and carrying a bouquet, fan and the ring pillow. Their dog was supposed to be ring carrier, but it had rained and he got all diva on us.

Favorite wedding moment, when the bride was handing out cake and the drunk, full guests weren’t taking it: “Oh my god! Eat the fucking cake!!”

I got my stuff from my ex!!!!!! It was good to see him. It was kind of rough for him, but it reminded me why I was his friend and dated him. He’s a great guy. He and Mr. Yes got along fine and the ex told me Mr. Yes is a really great guy.

Three of my male friends threatened Mr. Yes’s life if he hurt me. So sweet! (I hope he realizes two of them weren’t kidding.)

I had a great time dancing to friends’ bands on Halloween. Got an impressive bruise when a rollergirl friend wearing platform heels stepped on my ankle.

When Mr. Yes and I said goodbye on Tues, after five days of travel and four days with my friends, he wanted to see me on Friday. This trip made me realize how deeply in love I am and that it’s mutual in degree.

My friend’s wedding gown, hat and shoes. Fantastique!

I got my laundry and grocery shopping done today.

I caught up on poem posting.

That I took today off to ease back into routine.

How great my skin looks. The grapeseed/tea tree oil cleaning is amazing. I swear I have fewer wrinkles, less shine, smaller pores, no blackheads and my skin is sooo soft.

Everyone in NC commenting on my “long” hair. It was encouraging.

Looking at pics of the wedding taken by guests and thinking “what a pretty girl” and then realizing it was me. A little scary that I can’t keep track of what I look like, but how great that I think I’m pretty!

Walking around Old Salem, Salem College, and the cemetery.

That our luggage arrived on the next flight from Atlanta and wasn’t lost forever.

Seeing my friend so happy and meeting all of her family

Little Yes asking Mr. Yes if he was at a party and the loving, happy tone of Mr. Yes’s voice when he was talking to him. He was missing his boy and took a day off when he came back to spend it with him. I love how good a father he is.

Getting back to a normal routine

that I haven’t taken a more-than-a-weekend vacation since the year 2000. Nine years! No wonder I’m so excited. I have my maid of honor duties: go to hippie pizza place with bride and her family on Friday, keep bride from getting drunk before she’s married, help put up Halloween decorations and carve pumpkins. But after she’s hitched on Saturday and we’re a few hours into the reception, I’m free. Mr. Yes and I can run to the different parties and drink whiskey and howl and dance and sing and do whatever the hell we wanta do. Two hours and forty five minutes and I’m done with work for a week. Wheeeeee!!!!

Leaving tomorrow night for NC! I’m getting pretty excited to see my friends and show Mr. Yes my old haunts. (Don’t think I’ll have much if any time for online stuff when I’m there, but we’ll see.)

I’ve been using baking soda as shampoo, with an apple cider vinegar rinse and my hair looks good: shiny and softer than it’s ever been. I have had some flaking, but a good brushing right after I wash it seems to take care of that and I only need to wash twice a week. Saw my stylist last night and she said my scalp looked very healthy. She noticed how soft my hair was, too, and that it’s growing faster.

I’ve been cleaning my face with grapeseed and tea tree oil and it looks fantastic. Pores smaller, blackheads gone, fewer wrinkles around my eyes and not nearly as shiny as I used to be. (Thanks to all here who shared info about what they’re doing. It works!)

I found two pairs of jeans that fit last night at Ross. Miracle!

A good friend who needs help (reallyreally needs help) is going to see my therapist

EMDR will probably be done tomorrow, as we have just a little left on the last trigger. Just in time for me to go back to where I last saw my husband. So glad I did this work!

That Mr. Yes is as physically affectionate as I am. His happy sighs melt me.

211 consecutive days of poeming!

Taking the day of our flight and the day after we return off work.

Edamame

Friends in NC being excited that I’m coming back to visit

Finally getting the painting my friend gave me as a going-away present AND knowing that my ex won’t have that held over my head anymore

The big, beautiful spider in my bathroom sink

My friend’s new baby

Snakes, tarantulas and eagles at Black Diamond Mines

Panda licorice, especially when it’s stale

I gave Mr. Yes a birthday card last night with a hangman puzzle, so it would be more fun to tell him he’s getting an iPod. I nearly killed him, on paper, but he was very happy.

Mr. Yes telling me that If, You is his favorite poem of mine. What a romantic he is. It’s about him, so good pick on his part!

Going to the gym. It makes me happy that I’m going even when it doesn’t make me happy to see how weak I’ve become.

Time with my sister on Monday night.

Articulating what’s bothering me about my living situation.

Six consecutive months of poeming. Today is day 184!

I’ve started drawing a picture of a woman on my coffee cup every day. It’s quite relaxing. Yesterday, the woman was sitting in meditation, with a meditating heron on one side and a meditating dog on the other. Today it’s a windswept woman on top of a mountain. One day it was a woman teaching her pet snail to stay.

Cleaning up the calendar at work.

Snuggling in bed for an hour after my alarm buzzes. If I need to, I get up and wash my hair. If not, it’s a good time to check in and see what’s going on with me.

EMDR. It’s tough work, but I think it’s worth it.

Sweater and soup weather

Savory tofu from Trader Joe’s, fish fingers, French lentils and all other foods that satiate my protein cravings

First session with EMDR therapist went well and we start EMDR next week

Figuring out what triggered the PTSD (this time)

Pic of Mr. Yes and I from the Tahoe/Truckee climbing trip. We’ve got our arms around each other and I’m leaning my head against his chest. Our expressions are interesting. We’re both obviously tired, but we look like partners, united in some way that I can’t quite describe. He looks protective and I look vulnerable. I keep looking at it.

Thai food tonight!

30 day program I’m doing with a bunch of other Cosmic Cowgirls. We all list our five actions for the next day that will bring us closer to our focus desire. We visualize it in juicy detail. My focus desire is: I respond to unsettling emotions with curiosity and kindness. I’m seeing differences in myself already.

Making a nutritious dinner of fried savory tofu & hummus on multigrain bread. YUM!

I joined a gym. Still need a bag, tshirts, bras, and towels, but it’s a start! I also scheduled three training sessions.

I fought the ants and I won.

164 consecutive days of poeming. That brings me to about 170 poems. Ridiculous.

Start mentorship again on the 20th.

Lattes for lunch (and almonds)

3 more hours until the weekend

Air conditioning

Sleeping better since I switched to decaf. Don’t notice any other changes.

::sparing y’all a long litany of how dreamy, sexy, loving, good a man Mr. Yes is::

Set up my account and made my first car payment

A Martha Beck exercise from The Joy Diet that had me list what I hate about someone and then see how I could use some of those characteristics to move me closer to my dream life. At the beginning, I said, out loud, “Oh, come on! F! you, Martha!” but by the end, I had learned something important.

Two nights with Mr. Yes this weekend

3yo Little Yes saying, as he was being excused from the table, “I don’t like the service!” I just about fell off my chair laughing.

I was skeptical, but using only conditioner on my hair works.

Sending a thank-you to my parents for creating such a safe, fun, blissful camping experience for us every year.

Yep. The car. Still. It’s going to cost me less than I budgeted for gas, which is good, ‘cause EMDR doesn’t come cheap.

Green eyes. I like ‘em. I got ‘em.

Singing along with my friend’s CD. It’s great music and hearing the voice of someone I love is comforting.

Appointment next week with an EMDR therapist to address anxiety and PTSD symptoms.

Mr. Yes’s text response when I told him I had made the appt: “I hope the therapy helps. If you ever need to talk about anything I am always there. Whatever you need. Just ask! OK?” I don’t know how to mention that what I need is to mourn my husband, but it’s good to know he wants to be there for me.

Seeing Little Yes tomorrow. It’s been a month since I’ve seen the little guy! When he and Mr. Yes drive somewhere, he’s been asking if they’re going to pick me up. Ahhhhh.

Made from scratch ginger snaps warmed up in the microwave.

It’s been a relatively quiet Friday, except for the hour spent on the phone with the copier guy. I needed a quiet Friday.

My desk is semi-cleaned.

Hanging out with my sister tonight.

157 consecutive days of poeming.

Staying over at Mr. Yes’s mid-week is every bit as sweet as I thought it would be and I get more done those mornings. ^{typed that as “get more down” the first time.}

Being able to listen to my iPod in my car.

MY car! Still. I’ve got a whopping 508 miles on it now.

This blog by my teacher and friend, about love.

My godmother handing me a glass of very nice Cabernet last night. We’ve both had stressful work weeks.

Chasing the creepy guy out of the bushes at work. Well, talking him out and sending him on his way, not literally running at him. Made me feel strong. Since the preschool has moved in next door, I’m way more aware of who’s hanging around. (Especially if they have their hands in their pants!)

45 more minutes to a three day weekend!

Since today is a Saturday I am expected to do one thing. And that is to sleep in. I love sleeping in. I mean, who doesn’t?

I was looking for a snack in the kitchen earlier and my options were between grapes and Trix cereal. I was going to go for the grapes since this would have been the better choice. But I decided to choose the cereal because you can read the back of the cereal box. This would not only satisfy your hunger, but it will keep you entertained while you satisfy you hunger.

A few days ago I was scratching my leg vigorously and for some reason a few days later I got a scab from it. I have no idea how that happened, but it just did. So, the inner kid in me started to pick my scab. And we all remember how fun it is to pick your scabs. Even though dear old mother advised us not to.

Kings of Leon. The new copier rep burned the first two CDs for me and I’m sooo addicted. I hadn’t realized one of my favorite songs (Dusty) is by them. I’m looking for somethinnnnnn to sink in my teeeeth without any cryyyin…der der der DER…

Staying over at Mr. Yes’ on a Thursday night because I have my own car and I can! He made delicious fish on the grill and we had a delightfully active night. He had to leave for work at five this morning and kissed me so sweetly when he left.

The car, still. Love the visibility, comfort and it is awfully sleek and cute.

Mr. and Little Yes are going away this weekend and I’m going to go wander in Berkeley and Oakland because I have my own car and I can! Sale at Who’s Your Betty?, one of my favorite stores.

I really like the new staff member at work. I think we’ll work together well.

Sleeping fairly normally for almost a week now. Interesting how my sleep returned to near normal as soon as I had my own car. I think I may have been more frustrated and tense about my restricted mobility than I realized.

Doing a new personal budget spreadsheet and making savings the first item, with art, charity and a gym membership included.

The roses at work. I keep collecting the petals and putting them in my car (MY car!) or on my desk at work. I love the deep red and pink ones best.

143 consecutive days of poeming!

Coffee, oh coffee, my coffee

Hearing the kids at the new preschool one building over holler during their outside breaks.

The prospect of joining a gym again after many years of sporadic exercising

So far the no-shampoo-conditioner-only method seems to be working. My hair is clean and very soft. I think it does get greasy a little earlier, which could lead to more “washing” and blow-drying. I’ll see. It’d be nice/quicker to use just one product.

The way my dear dad hugs and kisses me when we say goodbye.