stop pulling my hair

How I did it: First thing is that i felt I had to make some type of "ritual" out to stop to pulling my hair. I guess in my mind this would make it substantially easier to stop pulling my hair if I made a dramatic start in order to stop. i can remember when and where i started pulling. Dysfunction in my upbringing tried to expose itself by my own self-destruction.  So I shaved my head...

I had been visualizing myself with a shaved head (for a while prior to doing it) just being free to go out without a "cover" for my head. This is really metaphorical for me on many deeper levels. I needed to shed the old self...I deeply desired change...i really wanted to be metamorphosized and my mental had changed to where I didn't care what anyone thought of me because I cared for too long and felt so, so empty within and without.

So I shaved my head...it was such a wickedly lovely feeling because I had not had my head not bound by a "cover" of some sort in 15+ years. I shocked myself...I was giddy with delight...and @ that moment I started to truly find myself beautiful...shaved and exposed.

It will be one month tomorrow that I have been pull-free!  My new growth has come in like weeds...its grown so fast-though the patches where I pulled over a month ago are growin in at a slower rate, but I know with time it will all be even.

I had a moment of semi-conscious movement of my hands to a "hot-spot" on my head today.  I think its an ingrown hair that kinda throbs a pain when I run my hand over my scalp (but its a pain that I have grown to interpret as pleasing).
 As I was rubbing my scalp I then went to get a mirror to just look at it I told myself. 
And usually I then grab the tweezers and pluck 1, then 2, then 3, then smooth patch...but this time...today...I didn't...I looked at the spot and saw indeed it was a small ingrown that was a bit inflamed and I ignored it.  Now I'm typing about it...and then I'm off to the gym. 

I find I must keep myself busy.  And sometimes-because we can't keep running from ourselves with activities to distract us - at those moments when I'm at home and not feeling like going to do anything special that I reminisce on where I have come from:
Elementary and Middle school-not wanting anyone to sit behind me in class, not being able to or rather not hanging upside down at the jungle gym because my meticulously placed hair my expose my bald spot, not being able to explain to inquisitive eyes and mouths of schoolmates as to why i'm "bald-headed",not being able to allow others near me in case they may discover my "secret habit" and its destruction on me, hating having the sun or lights shine on my head...putting the fear that it will penetrate my thinned-out hair, making "wigs or covers " for my patches for my bald spots because my family didn't understand why i couldn't just stop pulliing...
High school- deeply hating myself...

I've come a long way...
I went to a friend's birthday gathering at a dance club last night with my short new growth and he touched my head (I've never had anyone considered friend ever touch my head) and he then said I looked like a princess...he doesn't know about my trich and he doesn't know how good that made me feel.

Feb 15, 06:14PM PST | 2 comments | 6 cheers