Day 12 I had a horrible day at work. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and then I had to spend the day being berated by my co-workers and superiors. I am new at my job and I know that my co-workers do not mean to be mean when they tease me about making rooky mistakes, but their jabs hurt. And their jabs hurt because they seem to be insulting my intelligence rather than the fact that I am new. It also bothers me that people keep telling me not to apologize so much. I know that people are trying to be nice when they tell me this (and that’s why I would never get angry with them), but I want to punch people when they say this to me. I am working on not apologizing so much, but it’s my way of diffusing tension. I use self-harm (hair pulling and physically harming myself in other ways) as a way to deal with all my pent up frustration and anger. I know it’s not good, but I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, over or under eat, have the time or energy to go for walks everyday (I work pretty much everyday and it’s exhausting), have time or energy to do art projects, have much time to spend with my little brother, have time to do what I need to do on the computer (we have dial-up and I can only use it at night when everyone else is sleeping), I hate stress balls and things like that, nor have I any of the other releses that other people seem to have. So if I bloody well want to say “I’m sorry” as a way to help diffuse tension and help ease my anxieties, then I am bloody well going to do it. And, I would not tell anyone (besides my brother and best friend) this, but I cannot stand to be told to “calm down.” I am a fairly energetic person and I put myself fully into whatever I do and say, and so when someone tells me to “calm down” it’s as though they are telling me to be less myself, to cut myself down, to become more “normal”. I don’t scream at people or become violent with others (only with myself in private), so no one ought to tell me to “calm down.” I am just passionate about what I say and do. I will not fucking calm down. When I think about it, it’s such a condescending thing to say to someone. I hate it.
Being passionate about something or doing things with energy is not something that should be thwarted. Our society always seeks to cut girls down to size and I am not going to take it anymore. I will not allow anyone to make me less or feel less. I am sitll not sure how to constructively deal with my anger at work (I can’t punch pillows or cry like I do at home), but I’ll figure something out.
One thing is for certain though, I am not going to let them beat me into submission… epseically when they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing and they’ve just been socially conditioned to think women should be quiet and calm.
I didn’t pull my hair today or yesterday and today I am trying a nature hair conditioning treatment so that I can replace all my unnecessary hair products.
I hate my job. I will be leaving very soon in (in Late July or August), but I hate my job now. I am carrying my family on my shoulders, and while I love them and am happy to help, it’s all crushing me a little bit. 3 weeks ago