Ever since my hellish day, things have gotten a little better. I still feel very lonely and lost and empty, but I am trying to get past those feelings. I didn’t pull for 3 days and that’s an accomplishment. :) 1 month ago
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Today started off really poorly because yesterday ended really poorly. My mom won’t talk to me for some reason and it’s really upsetting to me. It makes me stressed out and I pull. Last night I pulled and now, this morning, however I am trying to stop. I am just so lonely and sad and it’s frustrating to worry about whether my mother is mad at me or not all the time. It feels like I am walking on eggshells sometimes. I love my family, but it can be hard. And worse, I feel like I’m putting my brother in a difficult position and I do not want to do that because he’s my best friend. It’s my duty to protect him. 1 month ago
I pulled no hairs on the 8th. A few on the 9th and then stopped. None on the 10th, and then just one today. I am doing pretty well! I am proud of myself. I think I’ve just been too tired and worn out to have the time to relax (which is when I tend to pull). I need to make sure to give myself a rest though…. 2 months ago
Day 7: I spoke to my family today about some heavy topics and I had a rough day yesterday, so I pulled a 3 hairs, but I stopped myself each time. 2 months ago
I didn’t pull at all today… my hands were too busy holding onto rocks so that I did not plummet to my death as a climbed a mountain.
Today was a very emotional day for me… I am a vase and all the cracks are starting to show. I am broken beyond repair. 2 months ago
Today I pulled two times. Each time I immediately stopped! Onward and upwards! Tomorrow, I will be climbing a mountain, so I might be too tired to write, but I will mark my progress on the next day! I am excited. I think I will be able to squelch this before it gets too the point of baldness and having to hide. 2 months ago
It’s day four and I didn’t pull at all. I felt like pulling and I stopped myself. I think keeping this goal in the corner of my mind made me reconsider those times when I thought, “it’s only one hair,” because it’s never really ever just one hair… is it? I always pull again and again and again. That one small action, a pulled hair, triggers a land slide. I must stop myself from pulling, from going off the cliff. I always wanted to be a Catcher in the Rye, and look, here I am saving myself from falling off. Maybe I can help some other people from falling off along the way. I know how it feels because I’ve fallen and gotten up to fall again and again. But it’s not fun to fall off metaphorical cliffs. Literal cliffs are fun, metaphorical cliffs are painful. No, they aren’t fun at all. I think I’ll try my best not to fall again if I can. I’ll be my own Catcher in the Rye. How sad that we all must fall in one way or another. How sad that we think we can save others from falling. How sad that we can’t. How sad that we will keep on trying. But what would we be if we didn’t even try? Maybe in trying, we make a difference, even for those who still end up falling. 2 months ago
Day 2, I pulled about 4 or 5 times, but I stopped myself each time so that my pulling did not continue after the initial pull and spiral out of control.
Today, day 3, I only pulled one hair.
And the days Progress. 2 months ago
Lune Fromage: Born of Stardust "If we don't change, then everything that we do to ourselves will just happen again."
“If we don’t change, then everything that we do to ourselves will just happen again.”
I was reading a blog post about Paranoia Agent (my favourite television program) and someone used the above quote to describe the main theme of the show.
I have been pulling my hair on and off and the quote really hit me. In the show, everyone repeats the same mistakes over and over again and rarely does anyone take responsibility for their actions. I need to stop making excuses. When I do things that hurt others, I take immediately responsibility and try to stop, but when I hurt myself, I let it continue on. It’s not fair to treat myself that way. It’s embarrassing to keep having to come back to this goal, but if I do not admit that I have a problem, then I will never stop for good. Perhaps I will always have the urge, but I need to keep it at bay.
As for today, I did not pull at all. A good start. I know I will make mistakes, but I need to be better organized. I am going to buy a planner after school tomorrow. In it I will keep track of my lesson plans. I will also post here everyday about my hair pulling progress (unless I am for some reason out of the range of my computer or on a trip, but if that is so, then I am less likely to pull).
Today is a new start. Ganbaru 頑張る (I can do it)! 2 months ago
I pulled one hair on the 5th and two today. Not bad, because I have been having a rough couple of days, so I think I am handling everything pretty well!
Ganbatte!(Try your best or “go for it” in Japanese). 3 months ago
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…
I am doing well! I felt like pulling once today and I stopped myself. I didn’t pull at all today and I am doing very well.
If I keep this up, then soon I will be back on track and atop the mountain again.
I can do it! I know that I can. The hardest part is starting to stop and admitting to myself that I am pulling and I’ve already done that. 3 months ago
I haven’t pulled in 3 days and it feels really great! Keeping busy and riding my bike helps a lot. I use my bike as my main method of transportation, so by the time I get home, I am too tired to even feel like pulling my hair!... I usually just want to pass out on my futon! 3 months ago
Picked a day I knew I’d be too damn busy to have many chances. I’m coming into a pretty jam-packed weekend, too, so hopefully by the time things slow down on Friday I’ll have enough momentum to keep me going.
Three days, here we come.
P.S. Has anyone else tried staving of urges by brushing their hair/scalp really, really vigorously? I’m finding the sensation really kills the urge for a bit, especially if you work over your scalp hard. 3 months ago
I did so well for so long, and now it’s getting worse each day. This needs to stop before it becomes noticeable again.
Going for one day today. 3 months ago
I started pulling again and so I am keeping track to stop myself.
I did not pull at all today, though, and I am proud of myself. I decided to stop putting myself down so much. I should not hurt myself; I am a good person and no one has a right to hurt me. 3 months ago
Day 27 I didn’t pull at all and Day 28 I only pulled once.
I wanted to repel off of the side of skyscraper today, but I had to work instead. :(
I have been constantly exhausted and I feel as though I am swimming as hard as I can and barely keeping my head above water, but today I barely pulled at all and that is a victory. 6 months ago
On day 25 I pulled 5 times and today I didn’t pull at all! I am super tired because I worked until 11:00 PM tonight and I have to work at 7:00 am tomorrow!
I am proud of myself for not pulling at all today. 6 months ago
I have been pulling. I am mad at myself, but I recognize that being mad won’t help me stop. I just need to really keep track and not say “one pull is okay” like I have been doing—- because it is obviously not okay. I can do this when I put my mind to it.
I cannot use stress as an excuse to hurt myself. I need to keep a pen on me so that I can draw when I am stressed and want to do something with my hands… 6 months ago
I pulled a few times on days 18, 19, and 20, but not too much. Today, just now, I have been so nervous that I was pulling without stopping. However now I realized what I was doing, consciously decided to stop, and I’m stopping.
Today at work was horrible. The other day I accidently broke the disk drive of the photo machine because the photo person was on his break (I am training in photo, so I took his place) and the machine said that the media needed to be replaced, so I opened the machine to replace the media and the disk drive was open (I didn’t know that a disk was in the drive) and it broke.
Then today the machine was not printing photos the way it should have. I asked a manager for help several times and eventually (when the photo machine stopped working an error message popped up) the manager told me to call the support number. I asked him for the number and he told me that I should have been given it. I wasn’t. I ended up calling 5 different numbers and being on hold for about 3 hours until I spoke to someone who told me that she needed to have a technician call me back at the store. S/he never called during my shift and I think everyone is mad at me and blames me for the machine not working. I was so stressed out and crying in the car on the way home. Also, I haven’t been taking breaks (to earn extra money), so I am largely tired and hungry most of the time.
I am just really stressed out. Plus I have to worry about keeping up with JET, Teach for America, my sign holding job, family responsibilities, cleaning at home, and attempting to spend time with my loved ones.
It’s probably obvious to anyone who has read any of my recent posts that I am just stressed out all the time. But this Monday/Tuesday I will have two days off in a row for the first time in months! It will be a real weekend! I am so excited to be able to finally rest 7 months ago
I worked in the cooler for about 8 hours for two days straight. But when I got home, I took a walk with my brother and played Stratego with him and made Cinquo De Mayo (and Sixo De Mayo) dinner with my mum. I am trying to become more myself. I don’t like when I can feel myself slipping away. Of course, change is necessary. Change is the only constant in life. We are creatures in flux. So, instead I will say that I am constantly slipping away and becoming someone new. But I want to like that person and I want her to like me. I don’t want to hurt myself. I think that if I can remember what is important to me, if I can remember to always rely on my own logic and compassion, if I can just breathe and not allow bad situations to eat me alive, then I can get through this rough patch in my life. Better yet, I can make this the happiest time of my life. I can’t wait for the future to be the happiest time of my life, because that is a time that might never come.
I pulled twice yesterday and four times today, but I stopped after each time. 7 months ago
I am finding it difficult to live at home. But I will find it even more difficult to be away from my little brother. I am incredibly anxious. I didn’t pull my hair at all yesterday or today, but I did hurt myself very badly. I hurt myself so badly that I felt a ringing in my ears for a few minutes. It was as if a broken clock went off inside of my head: chimming away the lopsided minutes of my life. I think I’m broken. I just feel stuck and sad all the time. My life is a series of catch 22s. I will be sad if I stay and sad if I leave.
I am so afraid that my brother and I will drift apart. It’s eating away at me. 7 months ago
Day 12 I had a horrible day at work. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and then I had to spend the day being berated by my co-workers and superiors. I am new at my job and I know that my co-workers do not mean to be mean when they tease me about making rooky mistakes, but their jabs hurt. And their jabs hurt because they seem to be insulting my intelligence rather than the fact that I am new. It also bothers me that people keep telling me not to apologize so much. I know that people are trying to be nice when they tell me this (and that’s why I would never get angry with them), but I want to punch people when they say this to me. I am working on not apologizing so much, but it’s my way of diffusing tension. I use self-harm (hair pulling and physically harming myself in other ways) as a way to deal with all my pent up frustration and anger. I know it’s not good, but I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, over or under eat, have the time or energy to go for walks everyday (I work pretty much everyday and it’s exhausting), have time or energy to do art projects, have much time to spend with my little brother, have time to do what I need to do on the computer (we have dial-up and I can only use it at night when everyone else is sleeping), I hate stress balls and things like that, nor have I any of the other releses that other people seem to have. So if I bloody well want to say “I’m sorry” as a way to help diffuse tension and help ease my anxieties, then I am bloody well going to do it. And, I would not tell anyone (besides my brother and best friend) this, but I cannot stand to be told to “calm down.” I am a fairly energetic person and I put myself fully into whatever I do and say, and so when someone tells me to “calm down” it’s as though they are telling me to be less myself, to cut myself down, to become more “normal”. I don’t scream at people or become violent with others (only with myself in private), so no one ought to tell me to “calm down.” I am just passionate about what I say and do. I will not fucking calm down. When I think about it, it’s such a condescending thing to say to someone. I hate it.
Being passionate about something or doing things with energy is not something that should be thwarted. Our society always seeks to cut girls down to size and I am not going to take it anymore. I will not allow anyone to make me less or feel less. I am sitll not sure how to constructively deal with my anger at work (I can’t punch pillows or cry like I do at home), but I’ll figure something out.
One thing is for certain though, I am not going to let them beat me into submission… epseically when they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing and they’ve just been socially conditioned to think women should be quiet and calm.
I didn’t pull my hair today or yesterday and today I am trying a nature hair conditioning treatment so that I can replace all my unnecessary hair products.
I hate my job. I will be leaving very soon in (in Late July or August), but I hate my job now. I am carrying my family on my shoulders, and while I love them and am happy to help, it’s all crushing me a little bit. 7 months ago
I thought today was going to be a day off from work, but I ended up being called up to go in today. I have been working very hard, and I have been stressed out, because I have not been able to do much else but work. I have been putting off important things because I am just too tired when I get home from work to do anything important (I am afraid that I will mess it up). I am leaving for Japan soon and I would like to spend more time with my little brother…
I have a secret fear that we will drift apart or he will feel abandoned while I am away in Japan. My mom refuses to get high speed internet (we have dial-up), so I won’t be able to Skype with my family unless they go over to the nearest cafe that has high speed internet… I hope they do that! My mom has been saying how expensive it is to call, but Skype is free and better than calling. I just want to stay close to my brother, yet still travel and have adventures. The modern technology available to us helps shorten the physical distances between people, but I never want my brother to feel that I do not love him. I want us to be close even when we are physically far away. I have told him this on numerous occassions, but I am still afraid. It’s stressful. I am so proud of him. He got straigh A’s this semester in university and his favourite professor told me that I should make sure he gets his PhD and becomes a mathematician because he is one of the most exceptional students he has ever known! Maybe I can get a PhD in philosophy and he can get a PhD in math and we can teach at the same university one day. I would like that.
I didn’t pull at all today. I took a shower today and I am much less likely to pull when my hair is wet. I think I am just too tired to pull my hair! 7 months ago
Day 9 I didn’t pull at all and Day 10 (today) I only pulled twice (at two differnet times during the day and I stopped both times). Sometimes I really feel as though I want to pull, but I stop myself. I am proud of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I am a good person and no one, even me myself, should harm me. 7 months ago
It is day 2 off my pull free mission and my newly cut hair is still an inspiration to me. I am happy that I got it cut because it keeps me from ruining something pretty :)
good luck everyone!
Lisa 7 months ago
I just got my hair cut today and I am feeling so happy with my hair for a change and not even noticing the thinning spot from my pulling. I think that there will be changes from now on and I am hoping that if I start to count from today there will be a plethora of days pull free!
good luck everyone
Lisa x 7 months ago
My life has been rathwer stressful recently, but I have been good about not pulling my hair as a stress reliever. I didn’t pull any hairs at all today.
I took a walk in the forest today and, due to working two jobs, I haven’t been able to do that in a while. It was nice and refreshing. I played a video game with my brother too, which was refreshing in a different sort of way. 7 months ago
Days 4 and 5 I didn’t pull at all, and on days 6 and 7 I only pulled one hair and then stopped and didn’t pull at all the rest of the day! :D
That’s pretty good! I’ll take it. Day 6 was incredibly stressful. My brother was moving out of his dorm and we had to clean the dorm very well, otherwise he would be charged a lot of money. To give you an idea, if he left tape on the wall, then he would have to pay $80 per piece of tape that he left. His RA said they just post ridiculous amounts to get people to actually clean, but I think that’s just excessive. Luckily, he didn’t use any tape (there was some on the ceiling from a previous student, but I climbed onto the counter and cleaned it all off. But, it was stressful and we worried about be charged and so we cleaned the room to a point where it was cleaner than when he arrived. 7 months ago