Day 27 I didn’t pull at all and Day 28 I only pulled once.

I wanted to repel off of the side of skyscraper today, but I had to work instead. :(

I have been constantly exhausted and I feel as though I am swimming as hard as I can and barely keeping my head above water, but today I barely pulled at all and that is a victory. 5 days ago

On day 25 I pulled 5 times and today I didn’t pull at all! I am super tired because I worked until 11:00 PM tonight and I have to work at 7:00 am tomorrow!

I am proud of myself for not pulling at all today. 1 week ago

I have been pulling. I am mad at myself, but I recognize that being mad won’t help me stop. I just need to really keep track and not say “one pull is okay” like I have been doing—- because it is obviously not okay. I can do this when I put my mind to it.

I cannot use stress as an excuse to hurt myself. I need to keep a pen on me so that I can draw when I am stressed and want to do something with my hands… 1 week ago

I pulled a few times on days 18, 19, and 20, but not too much. Today, just now, I have been so nervous that I was pulling without stopping. However now I realized what I was doing, consciously decided to stop, and I’m stopping.

Today at work was horrible. The other day I accidently broke the disk drive of the photo machine because the photo person was on his break (I am training in photo, so I took his place) and the machine said that the media needed to be replaced, so I opened the machine to replace the media and the disk drive was open (I didn’t know that a disk was in the drive) and it broke.

Then today the machine was not printing photos the way it should have. I asked a manager for help several times and eventually (when the photo machine stopped working an error message popped up) the manager told me to call the support number. I asked him for the number and he told me that I should have been given it. I wasn’t. I ended up calling 5 different numbers and being on hold for about 3 hours until I spoke to someone who told me that she needed to have a technician call me back at the store. S/he never called during my shift and I think everyone is mad at me and blames me for the machine not working. I was so stressed out and crying in the car on the way home. Also, I haven’t been taking breaks (to earn extra money), so I am largely tired and hungry most of the time.

I am just really stressed out. Plus I have to worry about keeping up with JET, Teach for America, my sign holding job, family responsibilities, cleaning at home, and attempting to spend time with my loved ones.

It’s probably obvious to anyone who has read any of my recent posts that I am just stressed out all the time. But this Monday/Tuesday I will have two days off in a row for the first time in months! It will be a real weekend! I am so excited to be able to finally rest 1 week ago

I worked in the cooler for about 8 hours for two days straight. But when I got home, I took a walk with my brother and played Stratego with him and made Cinquo De Mayo (and Sixo De Mayo) dinner with my mum. I am trying to become more myself. I don’t like when I can feel myself slipping away. Of course, change is necessary. Change is the only constant in life. We are creatures in flux. So, instead I will say that I am constantly slipping away and becoming someone new. But I want to like that person and I want her to like me. I don’t want to hurt myself. I think that if I can remember what is important to me, if I can remember to always rely on my own logic and compassion, if I can just breathe and not allow bad situations to eat me alive, then I can get through this rough patch in my life. Better yet, I can make this the happiest time of my life. I can’t wait for the future to be the happiest time of my life, because that is a time that might never come.

I pulled twice yesterday and four times today, but I stopped after each time. 2 weeks ago

I am finding it difficult to live at home. But I will find it even more difficult to be away from my little brother. I am incredibly anxious. I didn’t pull my hair at all yesterday or today, but I did hurt myself very badly. I hurt myself so badly that I felt a ringing in my ears for a few minutes. It was as if a broken clock went off inside of my head: chimming away the lopsided minutes of my life. I think I’m broken. I just feel stuck and sad all the time. My life is a series of catch 22s. I will be sad if I stay and sad if I leave.

I am so afraid that my brother and I will drift apart. It’s eating away at me. 2 weeks ago

Day 12 I had a horrible day at work. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and then I had to spend the day being berated by my co-workers and superiors. I am new at my job and I know that my co-workers do not mean to be mean when they tease me about making rooky mistakes, but their jabs hurt. And their jabs hurt because they seem to be insulting my intelligence rather than the fact that I am new. It also bothers me that people keep telling me not to apologize so much. I know that people are trying to be nice when they tell me this (and that’s why I would never get angry with them), but I want to punch people when they say this to me. I am working on not apologizing so much, but it’s my way of diffusing tension. I use self-harm (hair pulling and physically harming myself in other ways) as a way to deal with all my pent up frustration and anger. I know it’s not good, but I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, over or under eat, have the time or energy to go for walks everyday (I work pretty much everyday and it’s exhausting), have time or energy to do art projects, have much time to spend with my little brother, have time to do what I need to do on the computer (we have dial-up and I can only use it at night when everyone else is sleeping), I hate stress balls and things like that, nor have I any of the other releses that other people seem to have. So if I bloody well want to say “I’m sorry” as a way to help diffuse tension and help ease my anxieties, then I am bloody well going to do it. And, I would not tell anyone (besides my brother and best friend) this, but I cannot stand to be told to “calm down.” I am a fairly energetic person and I put myself fully into whatever I do and say, and so when someone tells me to “calm down” it’s as though they are telling me to be less myself, to cut myself down, to become more “normal”. I don’t scream at people or become violent with others (only with myself in private), so no one ought to tell me to “calm down.” I am just passionate about what I say and do. I will not fucking calm down. When I think about it, it’s such a condescending thing to say to someone. I hate it.

Being passionate about something or doing things with energy is not something that should be thwarted. Our society always seeks to cut girls down to size and I am not going to take it anymore. I will not allow anyone to make me less or feel less. I am sitll not sure how to constructively deal with my anger at work (I can’t punch pillows or cry like I do at home), but I’ll figure something out.

One thing is for certain though, I am not going to let them beat me into submission… epseically when they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing and they’ve just been socially conditioned to think women should be quiet and calm.

I didn’t pull my hair today or yesterday and today I am trying a nature hair conditioning treatment so that I can replace all my unnecessary hair products.

I hate my job. I will be leaving very soon in (in Late July or August), but I hate my job now. I am carrying my family on my shoulders, and while I love them and am happy to help, it’s all crushing me a little bit. 3 weeks ago

I thought today was going to be a day off from work, but I ended up being called up to go in today. I have been working very hard, and I have been stressed out, because I have not been able to do much else but work. I have been putting off important things because I am just too tired when I get home from work to do anything important (I am afraid that I will mess it up). I am leaving for Japan soon and I would like to spend more time with my little brother…

I have a secret fear that we will drift apart or he will feel abandoned while I am away in Japan. My mom refuses to get high speed internet (we have dial-up), so I won’t be able to Skype with my family unless they go over to the nearest cafe that has high speed internet… I hope they do that! My mom has been saying how expensive it is to call, but Skype is free and better than calling. I just want to stay close to my brother, yet still travel and have adventures. The modern technology available to us helps shorten the physical distances between people, but I never want my brother to feel that I do not love him. I want us to be close even when we are physically far away. I have told him this on numerous occassions, but I am still afraid. It’s stressful. I am so proud of him. He got straigh A’s this semester in university and his favourite professor told me that I should make sure he gets his PhD and becomes a mathematician because he is one of the most exceptional students he has ever known! Maybe I can get a PhD in philosophy and he can get a PhD in math and we can teach at the same university one day. I would like that.

I didn’t pull at all today. I took a shower today and I am much less likely to pull when my hair is wet. I think I am just too tired to pull my hair! 3 weeks ago

Day 9 I didn’t pull at all and Day 10 (today) I only pulled twice (at two differnet times during the day and I stopped both times). Sometimes I really feel as though I want to pull, but I stop myself. I am proud of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I am a good person and no one, even me myself, should harm me. 3 weeks ago

It is day 2 off my pull free mission and my newly cut hair is still an inspiration to me. I am happy that I got it cut because it keeps me from ruining something pretty :)
good luck everyone!
Lisa 3 weeks ago

I just got my hair cut today and I am feeling so happy with my hair for a change and not even noticing the thinning spot from my pulling. I think that there will be changes from now on and I am hoping that if I start to count from today there will be a plethora of days pull free!
good luck everyone

Lisa x 3 weeks ago

My life has been rathwer stressful recently, but I have been good about not pulling my hair as a stress reliever. I didn’t pull any hairs at all today.

I took a walk in the forest today and, due to working two jobs, I haven’t been able to do that in a while. It was nice and refreshing. I played a video game with my brother too, which was refreshing in a different sort of way. 3 weeks ago

Days 4 and 5 I didn’t pull at all, and on days 6 and 7 I only pulled one hair and then stopped and didn’t pull at all the rest of the day! :D

That’s pretty good! I’ll take it. Day 6 was incredibly stressful. My brother was moving out of his dorm and we had to clean the dorm very well, otherwise he would be charged a lot of money. To give you an idea, if he left tape on the wall, then he would have to pay $80 per piece of tape that he left. His RA said they just post ridiculous amounts to get people to actually clean, but I think that’s just excessive. Luckily, he didn’t use any tape (there was some on the ceiling from a previous student, but I climbed onto the counter and cleaned it all off. But, it was stressful and we worried about be charged and so we cleaned the room to a point where it was cleaner than when he arrived. 3 weeks ago

ok starting over again… i am eating sunflowerseeds.. at my desk so i keep my fingers busy. this always helped in the past!!! I Can Do This!! 4 weeks ago

Day 3 will not have a long, detailed post about the troubles of our modern day economic and social support systems. I did not pull and I am glad about that, but I am also very tried from a long day at work. 4 weeks ago

I need my Support group!!!!! I have been pulling like a mad woman.. something had triggered the stress again and now im ready to stop FOR GOOD!!! So as of right now im starting DAY1!!!! Any Positive Reinforcement is welcome!!!! 4 weeks ago

I worked all day today, so I didn’t have time to pull my hair at all. I have noticed that when I keep busy (except when I am writing papers for school or otherwise incredibly stressed but not physically moving very much) I tend to not pull as much. I didn’t pull at all today. I was as busy as a bee.

Bee’s don’t pull their hair either, so perhaps they’re good role models in this regard. But I am not so certain that I would want to be a bee. Bees do not seem to have much choice as to their position/job in the hive: They are just born into it. That is true for many humans too. I like to think that I have a choice, but the truth is that classism is a lot more binding than we would like to believe—even in highly progressive and developed countries. Often times people are unable to pursue their dreams due to lack of finances, education, access to support, and a myriad of other road blocks. Sometimes people can get past these roadblocks, but it is dangerous and inaccurate to say that people who do not get past road blocks are somehow lazy or incompetent. We, as a society, tend to put all the responsibility for success on an individual. We claim that everyone has access to the same tools, finances, education, support etc., but that simply is not so. Equality of opportunity is the great big American (or first world) lie.

We kick people when their down when we imply that those who need a helping hand are somehow moochers and those who are rich are the providers of the world. The wealthy act as though they are Atlas holding up the world, but the truth is that the titans do not hold up the Earth, indeed the Earth holds up the titans. People of wealth talk about cutting “entitlements” for those who do not have, however we never talk about cutting the entitlements of the wealthy. The wealthy have a sense of entitlement to land and resources that they or their ancestors often stole from others. Why does posession of money entitle one person to food, water, health care, and shelter more than someone else? Often those who not have much money work much harder and produce much more for society than those with money, so it’s ridiculous to say that the posession of money is a fair indication of how much one contributes to society. Not to mention all the people who do hard work without being paid for it such as volunteers, parents, and many undocumented workers. Even if someone produces nothing for society, are they not people worthy of food, shelter, and life? It seems like we’re saying that we believe in the death penalty for the high crime of not producing enough.

No, I do not think that our lot in life is much different than a bee. Some of us have a little bit of choice and mobility. Some of us have the resources to get ourselves more choice and mobility. But many do not and that isn’t their fault. If anything, it’s all of our faults for letting the world get to a point where one person can have 10 mansions across five private islands while another person can struggle to work in a sweatshop nearly 24/7 to barely feed themselves and their family. We delude ourselves by believing that we are all freer than we are and then using this delusion of absolute freedom as an excuse to cast aside those who need help. At least Bees take care of everyone in the hive. 4 weeks ago

I have been working most days and falling asleep on my computer. I have not bee keeping track of my hair pulling on 43things because I have been so tired everyday when I come home from work.

I will admit that one day I pulled quite a few hairs because I was quite upset, but I will not let one little blunde, one day, one little misstep, destroy the tremendous progress that I have made.

I am starting over again and, no matter how tired I am, I will make an effort to post here.

I did not pull any hairs today and I am proud of myself! Keep it up! 4 weeks ago

Day 1: I pulled 7 hairs. That might sound like a lot, but I stopped after each hair. For day one, this is pretty good.

Day 2: I only pulled 3 hairs. I stopped myself many times. I thought that I was on my way!

Day 3: I didn’t pull any hairs… until the night time when my mother and I had a fight and I got upset and pulled up a storm. Sometimes I feel like pulling out my hair is a way to get out my anger instead of hurting others. I need to find a more constructive way to get out my anger.

Day 4: Today was a wonderful day. I had lunch with my brother and friend and I had a bonding moment with my mother. I only pulled 2 hairs… both were by accident and in both instances I stopped after each hair.

I will usually post each day. I recognize that I need to do that in order to stop, I am not trying to make excuses, but sometimes after work I am so tired that I just fall asleep without using the computer for very long. 1 month ago

I have been quite stressed out these past few months and I have been pulling my hair a lot. I need to admit to myself that I am pulling. Writing entries on here really helps; as much as I hate to admit to pulling in a public sphere, it helps keep me accountable.

So starting tomorrow I will write an entry everyday for (at least) 100 days. AGAIN. This is something that I need to really keep on top of! My hair is still pretty full, so I’ve caught it before it’s become too bad, but I am still mad at myself when I see those little tiny patches—the little signs of my mistakes. 1 month ago

I haven’t exactly gotten over it since I mostly do it when I’m subconsciously stressed but a good way to prevent it is having your hair tied so it won’t be this easy to do 2 months ago

23 days now, which doesn’t even seem possible. I’ve had a few really bad urges, and what I found the best solution was on the worst one was to just grab a hairbrush and brush as hard as I possibly could and really work my scalp with it. It wasn’t the same, but it provided enough sensation and stress relief to do the trick. 2 months ago

This one seems a bit long. It seems like a bit of a leap. But I do want to push myself a little. It’s going so well, and wig-free I’ve got a lot more accountability than usual.

I feel like I can do this. Not sure what the right reward is, though. 2 months ago

14 days plus change with my late posting about this, and with a trim to even out the patchy spots I am now wig free for the first time since 2010.

WE CAN DO THIS! 2 months ago

They’re starting to get bad again. My hope was/is that gaining momentum during a good period would see me through a bad one, and it looks like I may find out soon. Haven’t pulled yet but doing a lot more touching/fiddling than is good for this goal.

But with 10 days down I’m pretty determined to keep at it, and I’m definitely more aware when it’s happening now.

Good luck, El! You can do it—we both can! 2 months ago

Today is was back to day one again. I managed not to pull today but yesterday I had difficulty. Hope tomorrow is another good day :) good luck qglas ! :) 2 months ago

Reward: New top or jeans. 2 months ago