beat social anxiety

it was 8 months ago when i wrote my “i beat social anxiety” entry, checked it off my list, and supposedly got on with my life.

today, i look back on how things have changed (generally for the better), and why some things have not (which is okay too).

things that have changed:

i am happier. Along my road to “recovery,” i found myself. I learned to love myself, including my flaws (which i no longer consider as flaws). Socially, i am not the most social of my friends, but i am no longer sitting quietly with my head filled with negative thoughts.

things that havent:

basically, everything else. The strange thing is that when i thought of “recovery”, i thought that i would act as i do when im drunk on alcohol (very loose and friendly) or high on ecstacy (very talkative) but to my surprise, i am neither. My social anxiety has gone away, but i havent changed enough (socially) that anyone would even notice. Am i disappointed? hell no.

The true essence of yourself is shown everyday. I, for one, refused to accept that I was this person for years, (this is where loss of identity sets in) and had developed a deep hatred for who i was. I wanted to be that cocky guy at the party that got everyone’s attention or that funny guy cracking all the jokes. But the truth is that i will never be anything more (or less) than what i am. Despite what some may think, i am not selling myself short nor am i turning a blind eye to the philosophy “become the best you can be.” BUT it is when one values the “social butterfly” so much more than someone who is more “reserved” that social anxiety begins to cultivate.

I have learned to accept that i am more reserved than a lot of people, that i NEED space from even my closest friends, and that i put little effort in trying to build a relationship with strangers. I have also accepted that I cannot entertain everyone i talk to, and i have accepted this because I have recently found out that i do not exist to entertain anyone. I exist for my own happiness, and if anything, someone should be entertaining me with conversation :)

I want so bad for my writings to help someone. I know how bad this disorder can get, and ive felt a lot of pain in the past to know that this can escalate to something dangerous or even life threatening.

Everyone here can relate to hating themself for the person that they are, but you HAVE to accept yourself because no matter how hard you want to become someone else, it’s something that cannot be achieved. If you feel loss and do not know who you are or what your identity is, pay attention to how you act, how you feel, how you think, and piece it together. I had what i think, was an identity crisis rather than social anxiety because the two almost always co-exist with eachother.

This may sound strange and unbelievable, but a while back i stumbled across my own horoscope reading and something triggered within myself that helped me understand why i do the things that i do, and why the things that i do are not bad or damaging in any way. Sometimes, it is the smallest things that can make you realize your worth.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” – anonymous

I hope this helps some of you and i wish you all the best.

But I am not completely sure its social anxiety. I am obese and maybe that is what makes me feel uncomfortable in social situations. I am not happy with the way I look and weighing 300 lbs. I am losing weight. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Parents that don’t believe you have social anxiety, and want you to discontinue your medication because your sleep schedule is screwed up and they think you’re actually sleeping more, are lame.

I’ll never surrender.

Still on Celexa. I see my psychiatrist on Monday to talk about how things are going with it.

I’m using The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook along with visiting my therapist every two weeks. So far the only thing I’ve adopted is practicing the Calming Breath exercise everyday. I’m going to make an mp3 for the PMR and visualization exercise, and start doing that twice a day this next week along with the breathing. I’ll also be getting back into my exercise routine, but to brisk walking for an hour instead of 30 minutes.

SA goals for this weekend:

1. Get the blood lab that I’ve been putting off done
2. Get my hair trimmed/cut
3. Begin exercising
4. Make mp3

If any of you are like me, you will notice that your perception on life can change in an instant. Life can be good one day, but miserable the next, with no real reason why. The problem that i have is that I easily forget what made my good days so good, and therefore, my bad days can drag on for weeks even.

snap out of it!!

Those negative thoughts in your head and mine can go away if you can remember the good things in life, the good in yourself, and the good in others. Feeling sad/depressed for no reason other than giving yourself an excuse to feel sorry for yourself is a terrible waste of time and energy. I have just realized my life goals/philosophy and here they are. I suggest you guys to write your own positive believes of yourself and life, and to remember them for those times when life has temporarily lost meaning. I hope this helps some of you realize that changing your life only has to do with changing your perception on life :)

My life philosophies:

1)I am a good person, and I deserve the best the world has to offer. How can you suggest a better candidate that yourself? You are the most important person to yourself, so treat yourself that way.

2)Life is too short to be unhappy. You missed out on so many great opportunities already, but many opportunities still await. Make the rest of life count.

3)My goal in life is to be happy. Happiness can take on many forms, and the world offers it in abundance.

4)If you are down on life, remember that every minute you are sad is every minute you could have been happy. Smile and brush it off.

5)Think positive. Life has so many aspects that can be viewed negatively, whether it be working when you don’t want to, doing poorly on an exam, or stumbling during social situations. Life is beyond such frivolous events. Think of how each event has it’s upside and move on.

6)People are not your enemy. Open up to them and you will see that socializing with others can bring you more joy than you have ever imagined.

7)Believe that your inner soul is contained within you all the time. You are that person that you believe yourself to be, and more. Don’t ever forget that.

8)Dare to be the best you have to offer. There is no merit in shrinking down so others feel less insecure around you. If you be your best, you encourage others to do the same.

Those are my life philosophies and i will continue to add to them as my life goes on :)

I’m a teacher work at six different school, so I don’t feel like a real member of any of them. That’s what makes Monday morning so difficult. I always want to do a good job, but even if I am completely prepared for class, if I walk in detached, the lesson goes awful.
Everyone tells me, oh you seem tired. I seem like someone who doesn’t adequately prepare, and sleep, and take their job seriously. But its not that at all. Its just the social anxiety. I feel alienated, detached, like everybody secretly hates me, especially the children. Well, the children react to me based on my mood. Its a horrible trap. Even though I know its all in my head, I just can’t shake the mood.
I have some mild anti-anxiety pills, but I really don’t want to be a pill-pusher. I know that they won’t solve the problem. I try relaxing, breathing, talking to myself. It’s a mess. Its rainy and miserable and I hate days like this. I try my best, and venting helps, sometimes I worry it will go on like this forever. Then I worry I worry too much. I just can’t escape myself.

Celexa is going well.

Therapy is not so well anymore. I’m not so sure my therapist has any experience with treating SA. I’ll have to be completely open with her when I see her a week and a half from now. In the mean time I have to follow through with my own CBT and my own plans for exposure.

I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am currently on sertraline, bupropion sr, and lamotrigine. I was on bupropion xl for a month, and loved it, but suffered from insomnia. I was depressed as well as anxious. I had bulimia, but overcame it. I still eat to cope with stress and anxiety.

I do not have any friends. I wish I did, but I am afraid of talking to people. The medication seems to help, but I need to find an optimum combination.

What are good things to do to cope with anxiety?

My anxiety has been maybe only 30% of what it usually is, and it’s only Day 1. I wonder if things will keep getting better throughout the week or if this is just a good beginning for a bad ending. I am still hopeful about this entire process, but I just can’t believe I don’t feel so horrible! I walked to class and actually looked people in the face as I passed them on the stair well. When I got to class I could actually look at the people in the room instead of just going to my seat with my head a horrible cloud of anxiety. I met eyes with another girl I’ve worked in groups with a couple times, who is in my other class, and we said hello to each other. A guy the two of us have worked with greeted me, too. In class I could actually pay attention to the discussion. When someone made a point I wanted to elaborate on I could feel my heart pounding but I didn’t feel fear. I was able to actually self-talk nicely to myself and calm my heart rate instead of tail-spinning into anxiety. I can also better notice when I’m holding my breath or breathing shallowly. And I contributed to the discussions twice, because I had to, but I was able to speak intelligently and make real points. : )

I have a little more anxiety now than earlier – maybe because the dose is wearing off or because I had some diet Coke (caffeine = bad), or maybe even because of my focus on the anxiety I still have. The Celexa was only a 10 mg dose. I get to take 20 mg per day after this week.

This whole thing is a real trip! It’s surreal and wonderful so far.

Therapy is wonderful. Everything I’ve learned about myself, my upbringing, and other people is finally clicking. I haven’t even tried my Celexa prescription yet and I already feel like a completely different woman.

I’ve realized I raised myself, as my brother and sister raised themselves as well. I can take care of myself – I’ve done so for the past 14 years.