it was 8 months ago when i wrote my “i beat social anxiety” entry, checked it off my list, and supposedly got on with my life.
today, i look back on how things have changed (generally for the better), and why some things have not (which is okay too).
things that have changed:
i am happier. Along my road to “recovery,” i found myself. I learned to love myself, including my flaws (which i no longer consider as flaws). Socially, i am not the most social of my friends, but i am no longer sitting quietly with my head filled with negative thoughts.
things that havent:
basically, everything else. The strange thing is that when i thought of “recovery”, i thought that i would act as i do when im drunk on alcohol (very loose and friendly) or high on ecstacy (very talkative) but to my surprise, i am neither. My social anxiety has gone away, but i havent changed enough (socially) that anyone would even notice. Am i disappointed? hell no.
The true essence of yourself is shown everyday. I, for one, refused to accept that I was this person for years, (this is where loss of identity sets in) and had developed a deep hatred for who i was. I wanted to be that cocky guy at the party that got everyone’s attention or that funny guy cracking all the jokes. But the truth is that i will never be anything more (or less) than what i am. Despite what some may think, i am not selling myself short nor am i turning a blind eye to the philosophy “become the best you can be.” BUT it is when one values the “social butterfly” so much more than someone who is more “reserved” that social anxiety begins to cultivate.
I have learned to accept that i am more reserved than a lot of people, that i NEED space from even my closest friends, and that i put little effort in trying to build a relationship with strangers. I have also accepted that I cannot entertain everyone i talk to, and i have accepted this because I have recently found out that i do not exist to entertain anyone. I exist for my own happiness, and if anything, someone should be entertaining me with conversation :)
I want so bad for my writings to help someone. I know how bad this disorder can get, and ive felt a lot of pain in the past to know that this can escalate to something dangerous or even life threatening.
Everyone here can relate to hating themself for the person that they are, but you HAVE to accept yourself because no matter how hard you want to become someone else, it’s something that cannot be achieved. If you feel loss and do not know who you are or what your identity is, pay attention to how you act, how you feel, how you think, and piece it together. I had what i think, was an identity crisis rather than social anxiety because the two almost always co-exist with eachother.
This may sound strange and unbelievable, but a while back i stumbled across my own horoscope reading and something triggered within myself that helped me understand why i do the things that i do, and why the things that i do are not bad or damaging in any way. Sometimes, it is the smallest things that can make you realize your worth.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” – anonymous
I hope this helps some of you and i wish you all the best.






