appreciate life more

I’m always confused how you’re supposed to actually spell that word-if it’s ungreatful or ungrateful-however, the last one sounds as if I’m avoiding being a grate…so, I assume it’s the first. So, I’m two years past my last entry-I believe, and life’s taken me through a lot of twists and turns that I should have expected but I decided to live more in the moment. Which I think now I may stop doing haha. However, I’ve landed in a pretty amazing place…and I couldn’t be more unappreciative of it, I think. I have an amazing fiance-well, we got unengaged but we’re going to get reengaged…complicated-I live in a beautiful state, for the time being, I have a spectacular baby, in my life time I’ve already traveled more than more people could dream, and I have all of the “material” things I guess I could have ever really wanted-and only promises of more! And for some stinkin reason I keep finding myself in a place of wanting more. I figured out today that I really am truly unhappy with myself and can not accept some things. My looks for example, while I am no longer and active model I am still very beautiful. I just have 20 extra lbs and a lot of stretch marks. I complain about that all the time, but yet I don’t get my fat ass in the gym. I don’t understand! I want to work, to be independent-and yet, when I get a job offer I don’t want it anymore. I hate the idea of being obligated to get up and do anything that I don’t choose to do. My grandfather and countless other members of my family have not only died from cancer but from lung cancer, and I still choose to smoke like a freight train, and use stress as an excuse. I let my son irritate me more than I should, although I really do appreciate him more than I used to-it grows so much every day :) I have a bmw and a honda and they’re both trashed, and I never get up off my ass to clean them, or go register them since the registration has run out on both of them. What’s wrong with me? I can say the classic depression stuff—but who cares about that, I can change that easily. I just want to be able to see people from my past and not want to “outdo” them, I want to look at myself and truly think I’m beautiful, I want to love my life cos I would have killed for this life 2 years ago. I need to get my ass in gear and my head out of it!

being able to go for a lovely walk in my town on a beautiful sunny day & it easing my headache a little
having the emporium down the road to service all my health food needs! yoghurt coated peanuts.
my youth & my health.

i went to sleep at around 2 & woke up at 5.30am. i took a walk in my town. it’s beautiful that early when there’s nobody around. i get a strange sort of pleasure from crossing the road at a random point instead of at a crossing. as if it belongs to me. all of it. somehow.
i like watching the postman cycling by & wonder what he’s thinking. & the market stalls setting up. the gentle hum of the town getting warmed up for the day. it’s beautiful. it feels me with hope & makes me beautiful.

i enjoyed the spontaneity of the structure of my day. i got back in from my walk at around 6am & pottered around for two hours.

really appreciated that at 8am i could just stroll over to sainsburys & buy some crumpets & bananas & have them deliciously with maple syrup.
deeply appreciated my three hour nap after breakfast. deeply appreciate this day.

today i appreciate my life in that i am lucky enough to be able to afford to out for lunch & coffee with my friends & have fun d & m’s or laugh about anything.

today i appreciate my life by re-realising that i can make whatever choices i wish & am in control.

Steve and I were walking back to his car after a basketball game Saturday afternoon and it hit me…a snowball and reality. We were walking across a ‘park’ at OU and he decided to throw snow at me and I think running from him and playing around made me feel more connected to my life than I have felt in a while. I think I’ve been going through the motions more and more and kind of became disconnected from everything.

With the wedding planning I’ve been feeling stressed and that I need to get everything done in advance (like I do with everything else) and started to feel like I was planning someone else’s wedding. This weekend made me feel like it was mine again and that I was going to be with the man who is more than I dreamed of for the rest of my life.

My ex-boyfriend from 10years ago who live in a different country just showed up at my work. We were friends for about a years before we actually got together and he was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had until this day. I appreciate life for bringing back the lost friendship.

i want to appreciate life more because i know how things get taken for granit and i want to take 1 step back put everything to the side and just be happy im me!

I realized something else about this goal, even though I retired it 8 weeks ago…

I realized how many trees there are where I live, and I never saw them before until today… I was driving to class, going slower than usual (a.k.a. the actual speed limit) and was kind of in a daze and BAM, there they were, all these trees. it was so weird… I’ve seen that same view thousands of times, but I never saw it like that… It was beautiful and I can’t wait to go see it again tomorrow.

You know, I think for the most part, I do appreciate life. I always look at the sky and smile, when it storms, I don’t get scared (even though we’ve had tons of tornadoes here recently), I love it when trees and flowers bloom. And I love my nephews and nieces like crazy!
I’m realizing that it takes a lot to be successful in life, and I’m working really hard to get to a good place. So I’m retiring this goal. It’s done. Although I will still try to live in another country and appreciate the world even more.