Be a genuinely good friend to myself

This goal feels accomplished. I’m taking good care of myself, like I would any other person. I keep my promises to myself and celebrate my days with me. This sounds like a good friend.

I think I’ve almost accomplished this goal. It’s about being honest with myself, protecting myself, keeping my word to myself, and enjoying myself. It feels like I’m doing all of this.

This means keeping all of my promises to myself – following through with everything that I say I will do for myself.

I’m trusting my instincts. There’s much less questioning and more assurance that everything is going to be great. My instincts have alway taken me along the right path. And usually the most interesting, too.

A few nights ago, I was reading James Frey’s “A Million Little Pieces”, and I connected deeply with the part where his new girlfriend tells him about her painful past of being used and disregarded by the people she loved most. Even though I couldn’t relate to the physical things she went through, I do understand the deep loneliness that comes from feeling used and disregarded by loved ones, the one’s who were supposed to be protective. I connected so deeply that it was painful.

Speaking to someone about this today made me realize how much this affects me. Whenever I start to feel used I go into a deep painful place. This is the first time that I’ve made this connection. It’s scary writing about this here because of what people might think. But it’s important for me to get it out so that it doesn’t continue to live inside of me.

Walking proud makes me feel strong and vibrant. It’s a gift that I give myself because it feels so good to walk down the street knowing that I’m worthy.

I realized this afternoon that I’ve let go of a large part of my resentment. It’s great! I realized this when thinking of someone I don’t like and not feeling any anger toward her. Instead, I felt sad that we don’t connect and can’t dance together. Still, someday we may find each other and connect then. This is where I’m at right now. Letting go means that I’m flowing through my days without wasting energy on cultivating my resentment. I’m very proud of this accomplishment! :D

I’ll be truly free when I have a relationship that’s not coloured by my past. When my relationships are two people learning about and from each other without predetermined expectations, then I will know that I’m free.

I am not free. I am a prisoner of my past. Everything I do, see, feel, think is filtered through my past. I am not free. I am in bondage to every negative thought and conclusion I created for myself. I am not free. Until I let go of my unhealthy past, I will forever walk with it chained to me. This is why it has been a struggle to change my perception: I have not let go. I carry all the unhealthy thoughts with me and honour it daily as if that was all there was to me.

To be free means to acknowledge the past, accept it, and unchain myself from it. It is an acceptance that: it is what it is, and then to move forward with a new light. And until I let go I will always be a prisoner.

This is where all my anger, irritation, frustration come from. They surge to the surface and constantly take me by surprise. They continually baffle me. I am not free. I am in servitude to all the negative, painful feelings that live in me.

To Freedom. It will not be easy. And now I understand why it is so important to stay in the moment. When I’m present, there is no past – just now – I am free.

We can either choose to be happy or be normal. I heard this on the radio the other day and I really liked it. It does seem that we, collectively, lean toward the negative. I certainly do. Or used to. I’m trying very hard to change this. I only get to do this life once; so I’ll live it out in abnormal joy.