love myself and realize that no one is responsible for my happiness, no one can "rescue" me, and I have to tend my own garden

about commitment. And I think I’ve come to realize that marriage is something we are raised to believe is the ultimate commitment, but is it really? I’ve seen many instances where people get married after many years together, and it falls apart. I think too many expectations are place on partnerships, and partnership often becomes ownership. I am frustrated that little girls are raised on fairy tales that teach us codependence, that we aren’t validated unless Prince Charming comes and saves us…without our prince, we cannot live happily ever after. But you know…many women I know are single moms, widows, divorcees, or they simply choose to be single, and we have to learn to love ourselves and validate ourselves, not through our title as mom or wife, but as “I”. I feel one year after that entry that I don’t want or need to get married. I’ve never wanted a house and van and dog and kids and picket fence, and I’ve avoided all of them…(except now I live in a house). I’ve travelled and lived overseas, and I have never felt burdened or stagnant or bored. Not that marriage would do that, but I feel I don’t need ‘proof’ that G loves me, and a piece of paper won’t make any difference. People don’t stay together when they fall out of love, whether they’ve tied the knot or not. Commitment is in the heart, and the future is never guaranteed. I just want to learn to live in the now, and enjoy the now for what it is, and not have my ‘status’ as a couple, or a single or whatever affect my happiness.

and the ironic thing is that I’m slowly getting there because of the relationship I’m in. Due to the way we communicate, I feel stronger and empowered. Plus, as time goes on, I see that I cannot expect so much from this coupledom. We must have our own lives as a priority, because if the other leaves by choice or illness, we need to be strong and self-realized.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

By Veronica A. Shoffstall

I sure sound pathetic today. All of my anxieties are taking hold…partly due to being unemployed, partly due to being with someone who isn’t sure he can commit to me. I want to be with someone who is sure, who wants to plant his butt next to mine and grow old together. What is he afraid of? We’re awesome together, yet he seems to be unable to commit. Or am I attracting this kind of man for some reason? I wonder if I should suggest therapy, or I fear he’s going to end up going through a string of relationships all of his life. I have to tend myself, and if he doesn’t want to be a part of my life in a committed way, I have to say adios.

I think I must love myself if I have given myself permission to eat many many Coffee Crisp chocolate bars. Another link to my goal, “Be granted the serenity to accept….”