Learn to trust again, or just learn to stop worrying so much, realize I can't control others, and focus on myself instead

Hey guys! I seriously need your help. I’ve tried for over a year to do do this and I can’t do it alone. I have no real friend to talk to, and the ones I do have are so sick and tired of hearing my story..
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about two and a half years. I always suspected he was seeing his ex girlfriend, but I didn’t want to believe it. One and a half years into our relationship I discover he was still seeing her, as well as all of his ex girlfriends. So in total we were about 5 dating him. I was the new one. He promised us all marraige, a beautiful life and were everything we ever wanted in a man. Anyway, I started putting two and two together as I noticed that we never actually went out much, I never really knew his friends, etc. Then I started knowing why he always behaved strangely. When I found out about these girls (one of them my cousin, that’s how I found out, and when I asked him he eventually confessed about everything), I also learned that he lied to each of us about the next. For example, he told me don’t worry about ‘X’, she can’t let go of me and is a little obsessed, she doesn’t want to stop phoning me, she is totally psycho that’s why she always rocks up at my house. Only to find out that the same story was told to each of us about each other! What made it worse for me is that be made it so believable! When ‘X’ phoned, he shouted at her asking her to leave him alone and to stop phoning, that he is tired of telling her the same thing over and over. That’s why I believed him, he made it so believable that I actually did think she was psycho. The poor girl on the other hand, didn’t know what the hell was going on! Why all of a sudden he was acting so weird when just a minute ago he told her he loved her! Then, after seeing us drive past her a few times before, she also put two and two together, and thought that he must be with me everytime he is rude to her when she calls…
Anyway…to cut a very long story short…we all found out about each other. Then after all the heart ache, he apologised to me and told me that I am the one he wants to be with. I told him that, if it is true what he says, he must apologise to each of those girls and tell them that he has decided to spend his life with me. And he did it. Those girl were shattered. And I was the one who came out on top…or so I thought….I have been hurting ever since. It’s been a year now since it all ended, I thought I forgave him and thought I was over it. I was wrong. I think I have lost my mind. All my boyfriend has been doing the past year is try to make up for what he did. I am suppose to be happy every single day of my life because he is not showing me any reason not to trust him and to be insecure ever again. He is doing all he can for me and I see it every day! He makes me so happy and we are doing things as a couple we have never done before. We are happy when we are together, we really are! But when we become so happy, I always think…”Why”? Why did he hurt me? Was I not good enough? Is it really me that he wants to be with? If it is then he wouldn’t have done that. Why! Why! Why! Why! I have gone insane! I fight with him constantly for the past year and his cheating is the only thing I fight with him over, I am dumping him all the time, I always remind him of what he did, I have become a mess! I am also very insecure about any girl he may speak to, especially if he knew them before he met me. He puts up with all my nonsense at least 3 times a month and he says he doesn’t mind because it’s his fault I am like this and that he loves me, so he will put up with it for as long as it takes for me to trust him again. But it has been a year! How long am I going to have to take to completely heal? And evertime I think I am starting to heal, I play a sentence in my head…’Hey! Remember this man cheated on you, don’t get to comfortable, he might do it again. Leave room for him to mess up then you won’t be as hurt as you were before’.
You know what the most twisted of all is? You won’t believe this…
All those girls have cried there cries and have moved on with their lives. Some are in happy relationship where they can look their partners in they eye and know that they have never ever been hurt by them. I am with the man (whom I love dearly…by the way) that we were all ‘fighting’ over, he chose me, but everytime I look at him I am reminded of all the hurt. As much as I ‘won’ the guy over, they are actually the real winners as they don’t have to face what I do everyday concerning him. I stress everytime he makes a move! I sometimes wish he chose one of them instead of me…I don’t know where I would of been, put I would of had a peace of mind by now.
Now for the twisted part…I still obsess over his ex girlfriends. Because I never knew much about them before and because he played his game so well. I want to be one step ahead of him. So if he ever tries anything on one of them, I will have the upper hand and may just catch him. See How sick it is? I hate what I have become! I was never like this! I know where they stay, where they work, they mobile, work and home numbers. I know which cars they drive and the registration numbers, I know what time they pitch for work and what time they leave, where they gym, where they shop, if they are seeing anyone, when they change their hair colour. The one is a traffic official, I know her shifts more or less and where she patrols mainly. Every time I fight with my boyfriend and we don’t speak for a day or so, I’ll drive in the neibourhoods where they live to see if he didn’t go there. One of them work at the same place as my sister, and I drive her to work and fetch her everyday. When I arrive at my sisters work in the afternoon and wait for her in the parking area. I always make sure that I am parked near her office exit door, so I can see her when she comes out and she can see me…EVERYDAY! I want her so see me so she can be reminded that I won! I have the guy now! But by now, she couldn’t care less, she is dating someone else. It has all made me go nuts! So if he ever tries anything like that again with any of them, I’ll have more information on them than he thinks I do.

PLEASE! I am begging anyone to help me…PLEASE! I can’t keep torturing myself and my relationship like this. How do I get over it? How? I am desperate now. I need a healthy mind. I am a great person, really, although I sound insane. I love my boyfriend and he really makes me happy, but I find it very hard to forgive and forget…He always tells me that whenever I want to cry and I need to talk about how I’m hurting, he will listen, and he does. But I am so scared that he is getting sick of it and might just decide that he has had enough. If anyone could please help me, please, I’d appreciate it more than you will ever know…

i have been deeply traumatised in a relationship which im currently still in, trying to move on from my partners cheating and lies. When i first met him things were great, infact to great then things unravelled and i found he had lied on his whereabouts and cheated on me with two different girls.

The person i am is generally to forgiving because i find it hard to let go. Even though we have been together a long while now i struggle everyday with my thoughts and constant nightmares.

i have come here to find a way to think postivive again and realise my partner has changed i have just been deeply afected from the start.

I don’t know if ‘learn’ is the right word here. But anyway, I’ve been moving in the right direction with this…and now I take stock and see how many things I used to do as a result of distrust and suspicion, that I don’t do anymore. I still worry or get anxious once in a while, but not nearly as often. And I can talk myself out of my anxieties quite quickly. I think the biggest help has been time. Time has pretty much healed the wounds from my previous relationship, and I am finding that I am much like my old self again. I think we can’t hurry healing, no matter how much reading or counselling we do. We need time to get over things, and see that we will be ok, feel that we will be ok, no matter what life throws our way.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, going on 7 now. Lately he has been going out with his friends every Friday night. Not that I have an issue with it but last Friday, I did. I haven’t been to a concert in almost over 20 years now. Friday, I came across paid tickets. When he heard of the tickets, he called me right away only to say, “why don’t you take a friend”? Well, I told him, you are my friend and I’d like to go with you. He had the hardest time with it and could not (...did not) break his plans with his friends (mind you they are co-workers, co-ed, that he sees almost 10 hours a day for 5 days straight). He used to use the term, “just going out with the guys”, but lately i’ve found out that the coworkers “outings” have been coed. I thought that him being my best friend, because we were before we got together, he would have not second thought to cancel his plans with his coworkers…so that he can take me to something that i felt was special and important. Anyway, I was extremely hurt by this and feel like calling it quits. (we’ve been up and down for this last year) HELP!

and then WHAM!!! Back ten steps into suckie suspicion hell. For no real reason either. I should be happy about the positive progress I’ve made and realize that this setback was due largely to the fact that I am suffering from the winter blues and the mood swings and weirdoness that it plagues us Northerners with, but dya think I could’ve just let this go? No. I guess the wounds go deep from my past relationship fiasco and I will have some setbacks and triggers as I heal. Luckily G hasn’t run away, but wants to understand and work with me on this.

Something has happened recently that has thrown my ability to trust G into a tailspin. If what he is doing goes any further, it will be impossible to stay together. I should know in a month or so what the answer will be, but for now, it’s sheer torture waiting to see what will transpire. I feel like the ground is shaking underneath me, and I’ve been here before. Don’t want to be here again.

I’ve been gradually finding my way back to the person I used to be regarding focus and control issues. I look back at all of my interests, and see that I’ve lost sight of some of them, partly out of changes in priorities, partly out of becoming a couple and not taking the time to do things just for me. So, I’ve been doing more of the ‘nurturing me’ stuff, and it’s a much better balance. If we have enough interests and passions in our lives that are ours and ours alone, we don’t look to our partner to fulfill us. And our partner, in turn, doesn’t feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. It’s a win-win.

I had quite a blip today with G, and he said it isn’t doing him or I any good…that I continue to have problems with trust because of my past hurtful relationship. I know this, god do I know this, but I can’t help my knee-jerk reactions to triggers that are familiar from my past crapola situation. I have to solve this. I have to realize that G is not P. Plain and simple. Or I’ll sink this entire thing and do it all over again next time. I don’t want to feel so insecure and think he might do the same things P once did. How do I move on and get over this and learn to trust again?

It’s a slow process, but I am gradually learning to let things go, and to stop dwelling on little things that don’t really mean anything…although I know I tend to make mountains out of molehills sometimes. I am also reminding myself to be quiet and not show my fears/vulnerabilities by voicing my silly suspicions that are only the voice of the child in me…the fearful child that is afraid to be alone, jealous, and controlling. I will lead with compassion and calm fortitude in my relationships.

After having spent over a year with someone who I discovered was lying/cheating, how do I learn to trust again? I know G is not my ex, but I can’t help believing that most men keep their options open, even when they say they love you, and that the excitement of meeting someone new is too tantalizing. What I’m wondering is…will I feel anxious with every man I become involved with after my ex, or is it that I’m choosing (for whatever subconscious repetition compulsion, re-enactment, psychoanalytically explained reason) men who are untrustworthy? I don’t want to be with someone who has no integrity and who is not loyal…ever again. But there are no guarantees. My therapist says I have to trust G. That mistrust will erode our relationship because even though I don’t say anything, he might sense it by my behaviour. I guess there is no answer to this one. Except to become celibate and live in an ashram.