Be happy without being in love, because it's true...you only have you, and there are no guarantees otherwise.

and many self help books, and counselling sessions and talks with friends, and I feel I’m in a different place, not all the way where I want to be, but almost. Love and partnership is fascinating stuff…why it happens, why it unhappens. And since there are no guarantees (and this is sinking in and being accepted) I can see that what matters is living mindfully, with integrity and love (self-love too), and knowing that I will have that always, whether I am with someone or not. The transience of life is a fact, and I am learning not to place my self-worth in another person’s hands.

I feel I’m failing miserably at this. Sometimes I feel like I’m clinging to this relationship because I don’t want to be alone, I don’t know how to be alone, I see so many old women alone…and sometimes I think I’ll be fine, I’ll be great, I am complete and happy, whether I’m with someone or not. This is driving me crazy, and it’s such a mess, I think I ought to go back overseas to teach…a situation that keeps me single whether I want to be or not.

I noticed that recently I have received 5 cheers for this goal, and out of all of my goals, this one has the most cheers. This makes me wonder if a lot of people out there are in the same situation as me, wishing we could be totally happy on our own, love ourselves, nurture ourselves, validate ourselves…but find it nearly impossible because we so desperately want someone to love us, to nurture us, to validate us. It’s so difficult for me to be without someone. It’s not that I compromise and end up with someone that isn’t wonderful, but I tend to get depressed and lonely if I don’t have a special someone in my life. Then, when I do have someone, I feel blessed but at the same time I sometimes feel anxious…that this might not last, that he’ll meet someone else, that I’m not ‘enough’ and ultimately he’ll get bored and leave. This goal goes hand-in-hand with “not get involved until I’m emotionally ready’...but I think I have to accept that I won’t ever be truly emotionally ready, and that I have to work on being more self-assured, self-determined and independent. Because in the end, we really have just ourselves and there are no guarantees. We have to try to be strong enough to stand alone but appreciate when someone wants to stand next to us for however long it might last.

This is from a thread on this topic, but I also wanted to post it as an entry under my goal.

“In relationships, I err on the ‘error’ side of things and then I feel miserable for a long time. I think I should relax and enjoy the ‘trial’ side of things more ;) and not get involved so quickly. (see another of my 43 things!) Yes, the Repetition Compulsion theory has been around for ages…and it’s still going strong. Makes sense to me. I guess my problem is that my father died when I was 13 (we were very close), and when I get involved with a man I might love, I become fearful he might leave, and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the fear and uncertainty and neediness eventually drive him away. My armchair psychologist tells me that I need to reenact that time in my life because I didn’t properly grieve the death of my father, and I will keep doing it until I get some psychoanalysis. My father’s death, to a young girl, was a disloyalty or an abandonment, and in my subconscious, I feel that if a man loves me, he will ultimately leave. Plus, I feel that I have to be perfect in order for him to stay. Does anyone on 43 things have any advice or comments about this? Is anyone experiencing the same thing…and what do you do about it? I would be so appreciative of any feedback. I am seeing a therapist, but she’s not a psychologist…she’s a counsellor for relationships, family matters, etc.”

The latest National Geographic has a cover story all about love, and if you’re looking for answers, and then again, for more confusion, you have to read it. If it’s true, that the passion of love is just an imbalance of serotonin levels in our blood, and that it doesn’t last…and if it’s true that we select mates with a particular scent and immune system (all for the end result of procreation) then we’re doomed…unless we choose a mate who is a best friend. Because when the serotonin levels, and the passion does too, you’d better be looking at someone who makes you laugh and who stimulates you intellectually, and who is a good, good person, or you’ll be shit out of luck. The falling in love thing is actually quite scientific or biochemical, but when our minds take over, and they always do, the experience becomes a cauldron of emotional stew. Any thoughts, anyone?