be less manipulative

I think my biggest thing about being manipulative is that I’m really passive-aggressive when I don’t get what I want… but that doesn’t work on my boyfriend so usually ends up making him grumpy and me disappointed/depressed. Fortunately things have really improved in our relationship lately and this is becoming less of a problem. He’s really good a stopping me when I start to get whiny and helping me become more self-aware about it, so that’s helped tremendously! I’m still keeping up this goal though, since I’m not sure I’ve fully kicked this one… though I am getting there!

(Let me preface this conversation with the fact that my relationship with the person I’m talking about is strictly platonic and I never wanted it to be more than that. I’m a happily married lady and he doesn’t like the ladies anyway!)

Okay, so there’s a person at my work who has been frustrated with me because I’ve been so negative lately. He called and apologized to me for being cold after a couple of months and then I, in return, wrote him a very long apology for being snarky and backstabby. The thing is that, ever since I first sensed him getting cold around me, I’ve been trying to get him to like me again… for months I’ve been overcompensating for what I imagine he sees as my negativity and it is not working. I’m still trying desperately to prove that I’m a decent person. I’m just getting resentful and whacky at this point.

Part of the issue is that I’m mad at him for cooling off, even though he has a perfectly good reason. It was a disappointment because I thought we’d be good friends. It was also a disappointment because he likes my co-worker more than he likes me and I’m jealous about that for reasons I don’t need to go into. So, I’m pissed at this guy and I’m trying not to be.

Maybe I’m being manipulative because I don’t want him to know that I’m angry at him. Maybe that’s the problem…

No.. it’s more than that… ... (thinking hard)...

I feel stupid for thinking we’d be good friends! And I’m mad at myself for letting myself think he was the brother I never had. I’m being manipulative because I’m trying to cover up my humiliation and I’m trying to make him believe that I don’t care, when I really do.. geez, I’m even trying to make myself believe that I don’t care (good luck with that one, Cathy!).

When I think about it honestly, it’s a hard fact to face. It makes me feel so sad to realize how hurt I was and just how humiliated I’ve felt lately. I didn’t really see that before now. Silly, isn’t it?

It’s funny because I can see myself, a few months ago, confiding something like this to him and feeling completely safe and even feeling better after talking to him. I thought that we’d have that kind of friendship. I really did, but it turned out to be totally one-sided. Duh, Cathy, get the net! Nope. Nada. That was definitely not his vision and I couldn’t see that. In retrospect, I think I’ll be better off looking elsewhere for that friend… like, maybe, inside myself, or in God.

Phew! Well, there’s some progress for ya!

A weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I just replaced “Be more compassionate” with this goal and, I’ll tell you what, I feel SO MUCH better!!!

This is going to be a great challenge, but it is realistic and something that I will benefit greatly from. I can’t wait to get started..

Um.. how do I start with this goal, anyway? I guess I’ll have to think about that!