avoid avoiding, face fear of failing, and commit to my best efforts and actions in the face of anything I fear

I’m scared of committing to anything, relationships, studying etc. in case i get hurt or put effort in and fail or discover it wasn’t worth it. My expecations are pretty high too… which doesn’t help ^^

But i’m really determined to change my ways… i want to try, and live a full life without always being anxious. I want to enjoy things for their own sake, instead of always worrying about the future :D.

to top my university

Things that I really wanted to do associated with this goal: to get a new job and to start meeting new people with the goal of eventually finding a relationship. I am so afraid of both of these things, so comfortable with the current state-I want these two things so badly, but I am so afraid of letting go of the status quo. It’s so easy to say this is what I want, or I’m going to try for these new things, but it’s incredibly hard to actually take the risk. What’s the risk? What, in actuality, is at risk here? Failure. Success. Initial success and eventual failure. What is failure? To not meet my own expectations, which are pretty high. To drop the ball right in the middle because I can’t deal. To act in a freaky, irresponsible, unacceptable way. What is success? Making the effort and never stopping, which I hardly ever do. I hardly make the sustained effort for anything, which has led to general dissatisfaction with my life. This is at the heart of seeing through any of my goals-sustained effort. That’s what each new day is for though, I suppose. I am going to be thirty in another few months. I really don’t want to look at the entirety of my life and say that it was a lifetime of no effort, that’s too depressing for words. If that’s true, then, no matter what, I have to keep on trying. To what effect? What’s the end goal? Better to see what doing will lead to than the other way around. Waiting without action leads to nothing, not even a dead end. It’s just absolutely nothing. How do you change a lifetime so far? How do you completely change everything you don’t like about yourself? Sustained effort. Even if it’s tiresome and thankless and doesn’t seem to work and it seems like no progress is being made. I have to have the desire and I have to make notable, tangible changes. I can do it. I can do it if I keep trying. That’s what a new habit is. Thirty days of new habits.

You know, it is rather silly, but when I signed up for this goal, failure was the furthest thing from my mind. As events have turned, flipped, and flowed with that peculiar fluidity that is so very intinsic to life, failure has become far more likely than I ever thought it would be. It’s funny that only now did it occur to me that avoiding avoidance, facing the fear of failure, and committing my best efforts and actions in the face of anything I fear could end in my failure of objectives classified under this goal.
Facing the fear of failing and failing regardless of my best intentions and attitudes. I have yet to fail, but its possibility is not insignificant. Fortitude is taxing.

Pursuing a college education that did not fit, fighting manic depressive episodes, and fighting the quirks of the human condition left me emotionally destitute and allowed me to socially isolate myself. Avoidance was a nigh irresistable force which overcame me. Consequently I failed at a few things that I was avoiding (like class).
I have turned around, but the price of that series of events is still being paid.

I had a serious delving into my avoidence patterns last night at 4am and realize this is a big one-one of the most important patterns to shape the last 10 years of my life. No more-my eyes are on this one, and I don’t want to waste any more time.