find myself

I have no idea where to even begin, but I know I need to grow up. I’m far behind those of my age group. I feel like I’m in high school again. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I want to do more then I’m doing now. I can be better than just going to class whenever I feel like it, and being lazy. _

My roommate is always saying how you have to do what you love and not care what other people think of you because she knows that I don’t really do either of these things. I’m glad I have her to talk to. It’s hard for me to understand how I could do anything other than something I love. It seems absurd that I have to find myself. Shouldn’t I already come equipped with this knowledge? Idk why it’s so hard for me to not care what people think of me. I’m also really out of touch w/ what I like. I think I’ve been this way since high school. It makes me sad to think about this. I’m kind-of afraid that once I figure out what I like and then try to do it that I’ll die in some horrible way as a twist of fate or something. I know that my other goal of beating depression is tied to this one b/c I’m depressed b/c Idk WTH I’m doing, where I’m going, what I value, what I want, etc.

I dont know who I am. Its sad but true and its caused me to have almost no friends and for former friends to completely ignore me. I am trying to discover myself but I am having a hard time.

I think it also has something to do with the attitude of the state I live in (Arizona) and the fact that I am not a member of the religion which most people in my town are which has lead me to be isolated. I need to leave this state I’ve lived here far too long and its obvious that I dont belong here however I dont have the money to leave and I cant get a job so I’m stuck here. I’ve lived about half my life here with a brief stinct overseas because of my Dads job and it has made me realize that I truly dont belong here. People are so fake here that its made me lose faith in the Western Part of the U.S. I’ve been stabbed in the back more than once here and gone through so much drama and bull shit its ridiculous. I am in college but its a community college so it would be a big deal if I left at the end of the semester. I am going to keep trying to get a part time job and stick it out for another semester so if I get a job I can save up money and have a year of college behind me. I’ve got nothing holding me here except the lack of money. I curse the lack of jobs in this small town that forces me to stay. This place is not good for me.

I think that I should move back to Maryland even though I dont remember anyone from there since they all moved. However I need a fresh start somewhere not out west. I’ve always admired the University of Maryland College Park and Towson University so I think I would like to end up at one of those Universities. I would continue at a Community College out there to earn my associates degree to make it easier to transfer to a University. However I am going to need help and I am not going to get it from my family as they live overseas and they want me to stay in Arizona and they dont know half of the bs I’ve gone through because they wont listen. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!

I know myself more than I did two years ago. Being alone more helps you to find that, but I think you need time with friends too. I know that I am resilient. I know that I’m thoughtful – obsessive, perhaps. I know that I’m compassionate. I know that I’m lazy.

But I don’t know so much. I don’t know who I’d be if I were confident. I don’t know what I’d be like in love. I don’t know what I’d do if I were lost in Africa. I don’t know how I’d cope if my parents died.

So here’s to finding myself…

this goal title is sort of absurd. “find myself” it sounds very ethereal and unrealistic. ah well …

i guess i am still searching for myself because i don’t know myself and have not tested myself in every way.

i feel that I’ve done so much yet havent done anything at all. I’ve travled, i’ve lived all over the us, I’ve lived in differnet countries, but i still feel that i havent done anything with my life. I want to find the carolyn that i’m happy being

My head hit the black pillow as my sprawled body attempted to find a comfortable position as to drift into a deep sleep. Yet the night would not be silent. All of it’s worries, plagues, and doubts began to emerge as little demons running around mercilessly. I can’t sleep. I can’t stand the thoughts that entered my head all night long. They would not stop their critizing, their remorsefulness, and they would make me bleed until all the blood from my body was completely gone.

I see that finding myself is a never ending process of living as authentically as I can and learning things about myself all the time. I dont know if i will like the person I find as i examine myself but i am enjoying the process. In finding myself…I am living!

I feel as if I have to give to those around me, then I feel guilty if I want something for myself. There are many things I like and dislike that never gets said. I love those around me but feel they will not accept the truth as to my feelings and there is always a price to pay. It is not worth it.

i’m 20 , i started suffering from this prob since i was 17 , before that i wan kinda of introverted , in door girl , don’t hang out alot with ma friends , that made me a little obsessive about the outdoor life , afraid to meet new people , & also didn’t give me chance to discover myself , my mistakes to learn from it , but actually when i started to change my life , to go out with my friends , meet new people , this feeling of being confused start to control me , first i believed in some principles these things created my personality as i though but when i was putted in some situations i found my self acting in a nother way not like what i was believing in , soo that makes me think , did i put the wrong principles ? what do i want from life?
who am i? i thought i know myself well , but reality makes me know that i don’t know anything about my self , i was shocked when i start to know that i’m weak can’t take any decision , i need to know myself , need to know what i want…