find myself

• Reading self help books = ]
• Watching movies
• Listening to rap music and a little r&b

unpacking ones self is what i am playin now. this deconstruction is painful and unpleasnt. tears flow often instead of screams of anger.
what…
pax
FF
x

I realy think I need to do some soul searching… Just look deap inside my self and sort out life. Just some quiet time to think about everything that is going on in my life and my prioraties in life. Maybe look into some yoga to relax and relieve myself of stress I have. Just clean myself, Soul, body, And mind. Were my soul meets body. =]

Been chasing my tail for years
Flying by running from terror and fear
Time to think clearly for the place I’ve been holding out for
My feet are getting wetter
It’s gotta be better over there
-Gonna Be Better, Shelby Lynne (from the album, Identity Crisis)

I know the good I have: great friends, a fantastic family and I’ve been lucky to get where I am today. I will never pass any of those off as nothing.
That being said: I am very average, I have no special talents, I’m not paticularily clever, witty or comical and there’s nothing I feel passionate about.
I feel (other than previously noted)
I have nothing.
I am going nowhere.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
And I don’t know how to find it.

Today I got the overwhelming urge to sing this song. I used to sing it all of the time because I loved the lyrics and I think that Whitney Houston has a fantastic voice (or at least she used to.)

As I was singing, I realized that it contained some answers…

I believe that children ARE our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me

Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe that children ARE our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Life is complicated. One day I plan on doing a walkabout in Australia. But I don’t think I will find myself there. I know the man I want to be, but is that the man I am destined to become? Some people are capable of writing their own fate, but I’m not sure if I am one of those people. If I ever get there I am sure it will be worth, until then I’ll sit back and enjoy the ride.

I experienced silence like I haven’t heard for a long time and it was amazing. In the Petried Forest/Painted Desert, I took a short walk and it was so quiet. At one point I jumped because I heard a bug buzzing and it scared me because it seemed so loud. It was so easy to think when it was so quiet.

I seem to be coming closer to finding myself by… living in the desert in 120 degree heat, spending every morning relaxing at the pool, getting enough sleep, seeing Blue Man Group and Cirque shows, and being closer to nature. I can think so much clearer and life is more in focus. Maybe I should do this more often. Unfortunately, I will be returning to realty soon.

After some soul-searching, I have discovered that my Self is neither boxed up by others nor whispering by on the ether. It is inside of me, but the view in is obscured by dark clouds of fear.

I have wasted countless hours building a sandcastle of personal comfort around my risk-free life. Whenever I found myself wanting something beyond the sandy walls, I told myself it was not worthwhile. I began to confuse my wants, not knowing which inclinations came from purposes and passions inside me, which came in the form of guilts and pressures from others, and which came simply from the convenience of their lying within my comfort zone.

I have to decided to close this goal at least temporarily and replace it with:

every day do something worthwhile that challenges and/or frightens me. Today I tried a lychee, even though with new foods I am always afraid that I am one of the 10 people in the world who is deadly allergic to it. It was alright. Might be nice in a fruit salad.

last summer was probably the hardest time of my life. i completely hit rock bottom. my job sucked, my friends sucked, i was completely depressed….i even tried to commit suicide. after 27 years everything that happened to me and everything i did in my life came back to haunt me. it ate at me….i was on a ton of medication that just made me worse…..i was diagnosed bipolar with ptsd and severe anxiety. i thought i was the worst person on the planet. i started wrighting about everything bad in my life and then read it over a few times. i cry every time i read it…..finally in january i weaned myself off of the meds i was on and learned to cope with my stress and anxiety alone. i found someone that i can trust and makes me happy. i got a new group of friends. and a better job thats almost stress free. im doing so much better now. for the first time in my life i know who i am and who i want to be. im a mom….of 3 beautiful children. and someones woman. someone i love very much and he loves me just the same. im a caretaker, im a lover, im a best friend and a hero…..