Look and feel scandalously sexy

But I don’t want to mark it finished! I don’t want it to be a goal that I complete and let go. I want to keep it as a kind of guiding life aspiration. Looking and feeling scandalously sexy has taken on a kind of funny gravitas for me, maybe because it’s such a silly and over-the-top kind of goal. Now it’s not something superficial so much as something secret and privately longed-for, to do with taking pleasure in being feminine, alive, engaged, confident, etc.

I set myself May 9th as a date for this goal, some time ago. I wanted to lose weight, get in shape, wear a beautiful dress, be on a date for the full moon. And, guess what???? I did achieve that.

On May 8th I went out to a romantic dinner at a restaurant looking out over the Naples bay, with the nearly full moon shimmering on the water. On the way to dinner all the men we passed in the street were turning their heads to look. I felt absurdly sexy and thought, well, if there is one place in the world where one can feel sexy, it’s in Italy where the men are constantly ogling women. It’s nothing like in America, where no one looks! I sort of laughed to myself about this goal, and how this was the perfect place to be to celebrate May 9th in the way I had envisioned it.

On May 9th, i went out with a group of friends and rode a motorcycle for the first time… while wearing a dress, as I’d promised in my vision of that night!!! It was a great night. I felt so happy riding up the small road toward the restaurant in the Posillipo quarter, which you can’t get to by car because the road is too fragile.

I have seen the pics that Chem took of me, and I don’t like them, of course. I want to be younger and have nicer teeth and be more fit. But more and more I think this goal should not be so much about what I think of my looks as what I FEEL. the feeling part is the important part. The looking part is something that takes continual work and is never going to be perfect. But the feeling part can sometimes be perfect.

still getting there on the hot bod goal. One week to go.

Tracking everything I eat – eating all manner of “power foods.” Walnuts, sardines, blueberries, cantaloupe, apples, cabbage (red+green), Spinach, broccoli, carrots, tomatoes, fresh herbs, red wine, green tea. Everything colorful. NO wheat or grains of any kind.

I feel like I should start proselytizing. I can’t even believe how easily my waist is shrinking down. I’m amazed. 10.8 lbs in the last 15 days… WTF!!

And.. not like I’m starved all the time at all! I have been eating at every moment that I’ve felt the least bit hungry. (I read that you should always eat if you’re hungry, to keep your metabolism up, but make sure you eat the right things.)

Everyone go get this “loseIt” application (it’s free) for your iPhone or iPod. I’ve been using it as a food journal every single day and it really does make an amazing difference in keeping me attentive to everything I put in my mouth. AND it’s so reinforcing with these happy summaries of how great I’m doing under the nutrition tab every day – i can see if I hit my goals for fat/protein/carb balance and fiber intake.

WOO!!

I promised myself that by the full moon in may (spring! rebirth! fullness! manifesting! culmination!) I would be in great shape.

I made this promise way back in December and even wrote my future self a message (via futureme.org, check it out, it’s cool), PROMISING to take care of myself, to take this seriously – to really do something about my health and fitness – so that the vision I held in my mind a beautiful spring day and my being utterly comfortable and happy in my 35 year old body – wearing something lovely – a summer dress! and feeling sexy/beautiful/young/happy and fulfilled, at one with all my feminine strength and presence and vitality would REALLY COME TRUE. It will be one of the great days of this year, I told myself. I will make it happen.

I promised myself that I would make the most of whatever time I have left to be considered youthful and sexy, to FEEL beautiful, but I wanted one day to be a symbolic day – a day to plan toward – and May 9 felt right…

^{One day, I’ll be 80, and I may be beautiful in a different way, but I don’t want to let the experience of being young and vibrant just pass me by. I want to feel what it feels like to be young and feminine and beautiful and vibrant. I want to know what this part of my life feels like – so that when I’m 80 I don’t look back and think, you wasted it. (which is what I think when I look back at my chubby withdrawn morose 20 year old self. I think, GOD! You WASTED IT! Being 20 and fresh and beautiful without even trying – you just hid and sulked and ate pizza!) I don’t want to feel that way about the entirety of my life.}

Anyway, I got the email from my past self a little over a week ago – all the big promises. Guess what? ... I did not keep my promise to myself. as usual.

HOWEVER – I have 12 more days. 12 days until the full moon – which I will be celebrating in ITALY!!! And SINCE I got this disappointing email I have put myself on a very strict super healthy anti-oxidant rich, anti-aging diet. Fish and nuts and lots of many-colored fruits and veggies and exactly ONE 5-ounce glass of red wine each night. Small portions throughout the day, 6-10 cups of green tea throughout the day…

And since I started, 10 days or so….. (DRUM ROLLL….) I have lost 7.5 lbs! Granted, water, cleansing, who the hell knows – obviously it’s not all fat. But still!

And I think my skin might be improving!

I have 12 days left and I think I can still make this challenge happen if I really pull out all the stops between now and then. Sure, okay, I won’t be in the best healthiest fittest shape of my life (which is what I’d hoped for – but realistically I have NO time to exercise and I cannot make time) STILL, I do think I can pull off feeling really great about where I’m at right now – Looking and feeling scandalously sexy, under the full moon, in Italy.

RAH RAH RAH !

I did look and feel …. maybe not SCANDALOUSLY sexy… but pretty darn hot at last night’s party. And a 23 year old there was chatting me up and when my old flame told him “she’s 35!” the 23 year old said, “I thought you were maybe around 27.” Whee!!! granted, he was drunk and wanted to sleep with me, but I’ll take 27 from wherever I can get it.

The backstory is as follows:

Just before I met Rob, about 5 years 6 months ago, I dated this guy for a few months and was WILDLY in love with him. He wasn’t very kind or decent (I don’t have much taste for nice guys, it seems). But he was charming and exciting and funny and intelligent and I was amazed that someone like him wanted to be with someone like me. And then he dumped me quite suddenly. Literally walked out of my apartment one evening without a word. And that was it.

Evidently this was because he had been “struggling” with the fact that while I was interesting and intelligent and soulful, I was nevertheless too fat for him and had a big overbite and some scars from a car accident that unnerved him. He’d been trying (in his opinion quite valliantly) to overcome his resistance to dating a less than attractive girl and eventually he realized he just wasn’t strong enough.

Ta daaa!!!!

Yes, yes. That was the big reveal – explained to me (after the fact) by a friend of his who somehow felt it would be merciful to explain to me the jerk’s sudden and complete disappearance from my life.

Well.

It suddenly so happens that this ass and I are going to be crossing paths again in 16 days.

Now, I’ve already lost quite a substantial amount of weight. But I’m not really in the all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips shape that I would LIKE to be in.

So, I’ve decided that in the coming 2 weeks 2 days I’m going to pull out ALL the stops. Green tea and water and lean protein and gym visits and I’m going to get a hair cut and a new dress and whatever the hell it takes.

I am going to be scandalously sexy.

And that little jerk is going to look at me in 16 days and think, why, look at that stunning incredible woman! What? What’s that? That’s fat little jane? Oh my god! What an ass I am! I shall go about regretting that bum move for the rest of my life now.

That’s what I’m hoping for. REALLY, REALLY hoping for.

I just want him to think, even for just a tiny split second, “wow, that could have been my girlfriend, and I dumped her cruelly in the middle of making her feel like the most special girl in the world, because I’m a shallow piece of crap with no concept of what it feels like to be human. (and then reported to my friends how i felt so bad because she was great, but I just couldn’t overcome wanting to be with someone more attractive. Nice.)”

you think that the gods could get behind me on this?

Today I feel pretty darn attractive. Seeing that my weight’s dropped under the 140 mark has me in great spirits and my skin is in nice shape and it wouldn’t take much to clean myself up into a really hot number. Maybe this isn’t a goal that you achieve, exactly, but more like something you try to experience more and more often, until eventually you just feel good about yourself and don’t have to struggle with it anymore.

In any case, I am super excited to be trimming down and now I can’t wait to start toning up. I will definitely start hitting this goal more and more often now that I’m free of the negative force of my old oppressive relationship and starting to wake up my own femininity and self-confidence and powerful nature.

Yeah. It’s gonna be good.

Jessica Alba frolicking in the water… Oh how I hope I will look some small fraction of this good after my fitness/health blitz this summer.

There are no unrealistic aspects to the goal of becoming stunning, sexy, vibrant, luminous, seductive, unique, singular, my best self.

I am going to be disciplined in fulfilling this desire. And, as I commit to consistent exercise, my body will become an expression of its deepest potential for beauty, even if it’s 34 year old beauty and not 25 year old beauty.

My physical body is an outward manifestation of my inner state. So, to change it, I am working on changing:
*my habits
*choices
*attitude toward myself
*priorities

43T is all about giving energy and consideration to my priorities and ways of thinking about my time and how I spend it. For a long time I have been choosing simple comfort right now. I’m going to stick with these goals on 43T because accomplishing them will lead to profound success, joy and empowerment in the months and years to come. And all that joy and empowerment is going to smolder like a faint luminescence and I will turn heads. And it will feel great.

Our teacher said “wooo, you ladies are looking sexy!” Mercifully, the lighting was low, because I think I might have been embarrassed by my uncontrollable grin.

I can’t wait to be as free with my body as the teacher is, and as uninhibited about dancing with abandon. I feel, in class, as if I am tranforming myself. Every little swing of my hips is shedding something unnecessarily self-effacing that I’ve been clinging to fearfully for years. For me, looking and feeling sexy won’t just be about my body shape, it will be about how much my soul, my being, is willing to come up to the surface of my skin and actually inhabit my physical body with confidence and femininity and energy.

Our dance teacher is sexy as hell. She’s a great role model. She has a fantastic body and she moves so easily. I am definitely aspiring to look and feel as scandalously sexy as she does. CAN NOT WAIT.