Ramble

There are days where I wake up and the world is my oyster. I get a thrill from all the things that are available to me and for all that I can accomplish. Today is not one of those days.

I miss my cousin Charissa. It has been 40 days since she passed and I would like to think that I am dealing with it but that fact is, I am not. She was one of the few people that text me throughout the day. I miss her regular dose of enthusiasm and strength. She motivated me. If she could deal with the cancer, then of course I could deal with my illnesses.They pale in comparison to the pain she went through. Slightly selfishly I clung to her survival as a beacon of hope. I was dealing well I thought until my best friend’s daughter died after being born prematurely only 3.5 weeks later.

I never had much fear of death. In fact at times I wished for it as someone does a lover! But now that it has crept in twice, both times relatively quietly and quickly, although expected, I feel differently. I have this desire to spend more time with my family as they knew Charissa. To learn more about her, them and myself. This is proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. Perhaps grief acts differently for differnet people. Rather than embracing me as I anticipated, I have been asked not to attend family functions. When I need love and support the most I am not receiving it. John has been amazing. I have never met such a caring, loving and unselfish man. I know that I can lean on him, but I do not wish to break him. Miss Kitty has been a tower of strength to me but she is mourning the loss of not only her daughter Jordan but also the loss of her dreams. It reminds her of her other daughter that was not destined for this world. Today I miss both Bridgit and Jordan for I would have been a fantastic Auntie Duckie and loved them with all my heart.

My future has altered. My perceptions have changed. right now the evils of the world are a lot more dominant to me than the light. I am scared to start a family of my own. My weaknesses strangle me. Will this ever change? I am scared for people to see me yet I am scared to continue to be invisble. This place that I am in currently needs to change but I am not sure how. I am told by the medical profession to drug myself.Iit sounds good. I know that it will mask the pain. However I am sick of the semi-zombie existance. I want to live! I want the light to return to my life. I want family and friends. It may be possible??? Who knows.

Life, or something like it. I guess that is what I want!

My life over the past 9 days has changed forever.

Easter weekend was marvellous. John and I spent a lot of time cleaning up the house and doing miscellaneous things. Monday night I got a phone call from my Uncle saying that my cousin was in hospital and that he didn’t think she’d make it out alive. For two and a half years Charissa has been dealing with Hodgekin’s Lymphoma. A disease that normally is curable. Tues morning John and I went up to the hospital. She was weak but able to briefly talk. The family rallied around but too may visitors took it out of her. The following day no visitors were allowed at all and she came home to die. I have been at her house with her mum and dad working furiously on a scrapbook that I was creating and helping to keep family plied in cups of tea and eating. Thursday Night we knew it was the end. She’d had a rough night the evening prior and had barely slept. She was weak and barely able to talk although she told me that she loved me! My aunts asked me to come and be at her side when she died but I chose to be downstairs. I love her but we hadn’t been as close as we were as children and I felt that they should be with her instead. I furiously cleaned the kitchen. Charissa’s mum Sharee (my aunt) likes cleanliness so I felt that it would help her if she could grieve in a clean environment. It really helped me to feel in control as I washed and dried the dishes.

I knew the moment she died, even thought there was no sign fom above. I just knew.

My aunt and uncle chose to have an open casket adn we had four days of being at her side before she was buried yesterday. Although we are not Maori, Charissa’s ex partner (and the father of her child) is, so she is buried in Maori land. The tangi was an amazing part of he grieving process. Part of the culture is that you do not leave the body alone AT ALL between her dying and the burial. We had someone at her side at all times, often talking to her and holding her hand. The only times we weren’t doing that was while we slept and her father and boyfriend had the matresses directly beside the coffin. I stayed the night she died as well 2 of the 4 nights that the body was laid out.

Monday I got a tattoo of a resting butterfly. The body is her name. I love it and it will honour her for life. I always said that I would never get a tattoo but here I am. My childhood best friend (and cousin) is dead and I have a tattoo. Who would have ever thought!

The funerals were yesterday and now I will never see her again. I miss her, I love her and she is gone.

It has made me realise that life is darn precious. I will do everything that I can to make my life beautiful!

I am doing a project that I need photos of couples. If you have nice couple photos that you wouldn’t mind sharing I would appreciate them. Message me here and I will organise to get them off you. Digital is easier for me. Eventually these photos will be going on a new website that I am developing and I will give you a link to it when it is up and running.

Thanks xoxox

I want to invest in some lingerie so that I feel sexy all the time. I want to wear it under my clothing and no one but me will know I am wearing it…

How large is too large when it comes to an age gap between you and a partner. I am 27 years old. How old do you think is suitable to go up?

I would love to hear your reasoning behind it also, if possible. When I was 18 years old the max difference I went for was about 8 years. As I get older it doesn’t seem like such a biggie. Is 10 years to much or is 20 years too much???

While I know that I should be happy I was becoming quite attached to my non baby. I am really feeling like nesting at the moment. I had sorted out in my head a lot of things that I would do in the 7 months before the baby came. Even though I am single I really wanted that baby. I knew that it would be hard, that it might even break me, but I had really bonded. Silly I guess but when I got my period last night I bawled my eyes out.

I was so convinced that I was pregnant. All the symptoms I was experiencing as well as this incredible pull to ‘nest’...

I guess God/The Universe has different plans for me and I would rather be in a committed relationship but it still hurts

I have been floating aimlessly for weeks now. Need to look at why and address this…...

I have decided that I am going to have ‘life goals’ that I expect will take me a lifetime to complete/keep working on and that these will cover large areas of my life.

Then I will break those down into mini goals that are SMART
Specific, Measurable, Authentic, Relative and Time based
These are the goals that I will have on 43t at each time.

I will write a list of my goals on my wall to refer to so that I am not using 43t as a platform to remind me what I want to achieve. I will make the goals that I have on here SMART and updateable. Once they have been achieved I can cross them off as DONE and move on. All of them will be the smaller steps in achieving greater things.

At present when I look at 43t I am motivated to achieve but I don’t have specific goals so I am not achieving as much as I would like.

As I complete each goal I will copy and paste that whole goal under each sub heading as reference for myself and others. This will allow me to see my progress clearly and to feel a greater sense of achievement. This will also allow goals that I had to give up on due to lack of space a chance to be worked on.

There are things on here that I need to complete, print them out and then move on. I am having a physical tidy up in my room today and then this week I am going to tidy up my 43t list. Things NEED to be finished with or given up on. I have too many long term or very large goals on here. I want to put small, easy to achieve things on my list so that I have a sense of achievement.

Your birth tree is

Rowan, the Sensitivity
Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Te he this is soooooo me!