..as usual been a hectic week. returned from Dubai to be buried up in work…..decided to ignore the chaos for a while and went on short vacation….could not enjoy vacation too…had to cut short it and return to work….the return drive was refreshing…....felt great cruzing at 150kmph with “my” songs…..at times just silence….at times talking to self….at times just looking back at life….trying to analyse things…...wondering if I am working too hard or if I have got my priorities wrong…..all a gamble as of now….god is known to play hide and seek with me…..he shows the goal and when I near it takes away the essence…..let’s see where I am heading…..
spent some time with kids, nephew’s and so refreshing to see kids during summer vacation…..no homework…no sense of timing….all day on the road…stopping every ice cream cart and getting what they want…..playing games that don’t require any format…...wish I had a childhood like my children…..all fun and no worry…..
hit the gym after 2 weeks break….felt awful….forgot my shoes….but was determined to go on and make a fool of myself….tried to get back to rhythm…..food not matching with gym habits….big disconnect…..earlier it was 2 meals a day…now its 1 with lots of snacking…..need a cook badly…..
not opened IDJ3 so far…..very unlikely of me….have to send a courier to a dear one….no time again ….target for the week is to send the courier…..head off to family get together after 3-4 yrs…..in charge of managing the event….going to be another 1000 km on the road….bracing for it.
summer heat killing…..
got a mail from Axx after a long time…..reconfirms that we are just pawns in the big man’s hands…..time to catch up with some sleep…. 14 months ago

Was a “great” week with back to back parties. Was in the city of temptations for business meetings and annual conference. Started with entertaining clients. Two nights of forced entertainment. Watched ppl drink and throw money. Felt sad for the girls…enjoyed the music though….crazy world….get to see extremes when I come to places like this. ...sometimes wonder why is that I don’t enjoy such places…is it bcoz I don’t have the right company or the monkey in me does not connect with such places… I think it is the company…..wish I could live out my dream then any place would be ok for now its just duty of visiting such places..

2nd half of the week was company party….awesome place….great resort….sea side villas…..sand, water and perfect weather….could not ask more….played volley ball, cricket, tug of war, etc.. etc… enjoyed the playing part but mind was 10000 kms away ……..went for a swim alone in the shallow lagoons …felt great to sit all alone on the sea front…..looking back at life and thinking of dear one’s and missed opportunities…...cursed god for giving me everything and taking away what I need the most….got back to the “real” world and partied till 3 a.m….danced like a monkey….din’t care about the world….missed company while dancing….well you can’t get everything in life can you…..kept wondering if I am making a super human effort to be happy …no answers…. troubled a poor friend throughout the night…..she is also probably caught in a similar web…..felt bad at times for her and felt bad that can’t do much….cursed god again…...din’t want to accept life the way it is….went out for a beach walk at 2:00 am….was nice to sleep on the beach chairs all alone in the pitch dark watching the crabs crawl out …..no moon but bright shining starts and not a soul around…felt as if the world had come to an end or I was on some other planet….the sound of waters hitting the shores and the crabs disappearing under it kept reminding me of life…..was afraid that I would fall asleep on the chairs….wish I could hold hands with someone who understands me and take a long walk on the beach…..wanted to talk to someone but it was all silence around…..got a sos call asking for my whereabouts around 2:45….woke me up from my world and brought me back to this “real” world…..drove down back to city and hit the bed at 4:00 am….slept the entire day….what a week this was…..have lots of friends around but don’t feel like meeting anybody…..been wondering why ….no answer…..

Don’t know what I am writing….just penning down what is coming to my mind hoping that when I read it after a couple of months would make some sense to me….so far I think it is nonsense…..well maybe I can make something out of it down the line….my soul mate got me into this….maybe there’s a purpose….all I know is that it helps me….felt as if I am talking to someone when I write….let’s see….
So that was my week…..time to sleep again….1:25 am….went thru Holi snaps of a dear dear friend….. got me thinking again….life is funny… if only you could rewind it and relive you would have control over it…. 14 months ago

couple of hours before I board the flight. Have tons of things to write but always running behind time. Last 2 weeks have been kind of ok. More ups than down. Been sleeping very very late. Not sure how my body is coping. Wondering is it the excitement that is keeping me awake or what. Flights are kind of jittery for me…keep wondering if it is the last flight everytime I take it. Not afraid to die but worry about the people left behind. I try to ensure that kids have a good time before i leave and pray to god that they need me more than anybody and wish he brings me back safely for them. ...its been like this every flight. ...will miss everybody for a week…hope it’s only a week. 14 months ago

Decided to take a break from all routine activities and go for a move. Watched “kadhalil sodhapuvadu yeppadi” (Tamil). Felt like college days…..bunking college. Quickly realised after reaching the theatre that we were the odd one out….the theatre was 70% empty…rest were filled with college kids, Teenage couples cramming for privacy in the dark corners of the theatre…holding hands….busy with the only privacy the crowded city could offer and making the most (almost) of it………....left me wondering was I like that when I was of their age…… Movie was my kind….. Well it’s all about love and makes you think…….and reconfirms that one needs love and to be loved in this painful world to live and the source of love could be friends, lady love, parents, any source but the bottom line is relationships are based on love and trust for each other. Felt kind of nostalgic end of the movie. Wifee was wondering why I brought her to this movie and kept on nagging me to find out if I had any such episodes in my real life…. wish I had somebody who could understand me and not doubt me….well din’t wanted to spoil my day…so told people what made them happy. ..... well would give 4 on 5 for this movie and a must watch for all. Not sure how the Telugu ver is let me see if I can watch that too. Through out the movie kept wondering about college life and why it is always cherished. ....I think it is bcoz you don’t have “responsibility” sword on your head which makes all the difference. ....after you get married it is only responsibility, accountability, work and more work which kills the real you. You get into this vicious cycle and try hard to break it. Most don’t succeed. It’s a challenge for me to break that jinx and come out of it. 1st step is financial independence. Imagine not needing to get up in the morning and worry about working. You have the entire day, week, month, year for yourself and you get to follow your heart and do things that please you. .......on my way to achieve this…I only hope when I am free I should not be alone and have “near and dear” one’s around. Life is moving at a very very hectic pace…need breaks like this to step back and refocus. …. Hoping to lead it my way. Came alone and will go alone and as long as I am here accountable for what I do and answerable only to God…will make an attempt not to hurt anybody consciously….and will give my 100% to whatever I do or don’t do…..don’t want to spend old age (if) cribbing about things I din’t do…. 15 months ago

Lot of excitment at office because of the carrom and Chess tournament that is on. My turn to play carrom tomorrow. Not afraid of losing but not used to losing so been practicing after office hours and getting late to gym. ...tomorrow is the D day…it depends on my partner….let’s see ….40’s vs 20’s…let me see if we can make it to the next round….

Parallely playing Chess with the laptop everynight ….reminds me of hostel days …major fun and fights over chess….remembering the days we used to play it with the help of a torch late into the nights….where r those days ???......still a month away but getting addicted to playing….little sparks of life…keeping me going for now. 15 months ago

Been worried about a lot of things. Things in control and things that are not. Wondering if I can fix it at all. Trying to keep up a brave face and smile. will lose sleep if I think too much so trying to keep it simple and take each day at a time. Nice to believe that grass is greener on the other side atleast keeps the spark in you alive.

V.Day:
Ended up in the right place with the wrong person or should I say wrong place with the right person….was subject to scruity by the people who were around wondering if we were the odd “couple”.....full of baloons and V.day events.Nice to see young couple glued to each other holding hands…was thinking if I should meet them 10 yrs into their marriage on the same occasation and see if they are able to see eye to eye…..wished them luck.. Always busy during my time taking care of others din’t get time rather din’t have the guts to give rosses to secret admirers during hey days….well can only watch V.Day passing by now….wish time could be rewound…....well you never know…probably it is better this way…. trying to be a good boy but can’t stop from being J of people around. Probably taking out my frustrations by teasing the poor soul in Hyd…sweet one has been putting up with all the crap so far. 15 months ago