be a better buddhist

Yes, like a puppy. Bad bad buddhist.
Today, I am convinced that karma, buddhism AND God are all jokes. They are humans way of trying to make themselves feel better about when bad things happen to them. I found out about an hour ago that the mean mean woman who ruined my dream job for me just got hired for HER dream job and gave her notice at my old place of employment. Wha… Now usually, the words “are you kidding me” has become a normal part of my life. Today it was “are you F*&#&ING KIDDING ME?!” Are you KIDDING ME?! This woman doesnt deserve good things. She does not deserve to be HAPPY.
The girl next to me in this hole of a temp job looked at me and goes “so much for karma huh”?
Yeah, so much for flipping karma.

I cancelled the meeting with the lawyer and decided that for my own mental sanity and just because I am who I am, I am just going to keep my head down, do my work and get the hell out of here. I asked for help from HR to make it through in peace until that day. No retaliation, no write ups, not threats. Just let me do my job that I have always done well and continue to look and hopefully in less than 2 months, I will be out of here. I dont have much faith that that will happen, but I know this: I am buddhist. I am the core of a good buddhist who gets better everyday. I still have anger and emotions that I cannot control sometimes and it gets the best of me. But my foundation needs to believe there is karma and one day they will get what is theirs. Of all the things in my life that could have wrecked or changed me, this job will not be honored enough to be NEAR that list.
This too will pass and I will be a better person because of it. Everything happens for a reason. I will figure it out. Until then, I am done with the drama and meanness here. The world looks brighter on my side of the hall in general, I will not let them take that from me.

can you be a good buddhist while suing someone? Probably not. Anger fills me. I spent all last night trying to get back in touch with what I love about Buddhism, tried to calm my mind. Nothing is working. When someone takes everything you have worked for away for no reason other than they can, its hard to buddhist, much less anything. I will try to work on this one while I continue to sort out what needs to be done and seek guidance, but I am angry. Angry of what could of been, what should have been, what was taken away. How much easier life would have been for my family with a happier person because I now found a job that let me be who I know I can be as an employee AND paid me $14,000 more.
I will keep working, but now I cant. Now I just need to let the anger flow. Not even buddhism can help that.

I know this is something that I will have to work on forever, some days harder than others. Its been about 11 years and I have been getting better, but honestly, I feel like I would have to go another 11 to get about halfway where I want to be. People who can go to month long meditation retreats and give up life for a year to go to Tibet are amazing to me. There is no way I could unless of course I didnt care about responsibility; working, paying my bills, etc. Then, what kind of buddhist would I be?
I guess this goal is for me to remind myself how far I have come now and again, along with how far I have to go.

I’m trying to meditate more.

My ability to exist as a passive observer of the world has diminished a lot. Anxiety sucks.

But I’ve been adhering to basic precepts of no killing/stealing/sexual misconduct/lying/intoxicants. I used to drink alcohol but I’ve stopped.

The present moment is still so elusive.

ive been a buddhist for little while now but sometimes when im meditating i get distracted

If feel that I am a better buddhist every day. It’s weird though because I’ve sat here trying to figure out why, and it’s just something I can’t quantify.

still sucks

I need to chant more and stay focused! I need to meditate when things are rough. How do I stay focused?

I have been working on so much in my life the past few months but overall it stems from my spiritual journey.

All of the ‘living green’ and ‘giving back’ is all about how i want to live my life on a daily basis and grow as a person.

This is a goal that will never be ‘achieved’ as I’m sure no one will ever call me a lama (they might call me a llama though)... but as long as i can check in with myself from time to time and realize that I’m making progress, I’m doing okay. I’m loving this site more and more because it’s helps me do that.