One of the biggest problems I have, if not the biggest problem, is not knowing what to do. About anything. For most of my goals, I sit here with a big question mark over my head thinking, ‘Where do I start? How do I begin? Where do I go?’
I wish I had somebody with me to help me, I don’t know who, just somebody who is not scatterbrained, and has more common sense and ideas lol. Someone with confidence. I just don’t know how to get in to something. I don’t want to take classes… I know that is most obvious… but with my social anxiety I don’t feel ready to sit in a room with other people, especially doing something like this in front of people, so fiddly, so embarrassing (if I screw up.) And I don’t know if it would cost or not. I’ve made a few things, but they are so basic, it’s hardly worth even saying ‘I made that.’ I feel like I’m still on step 1. I don’t know how to start step 2. I’ve read lots of jewellery-making sites, but while I sit here and read the articles, the tips, the how-tos, I just feel more and more depressed and hopeless. I’ve never actually been good at anything, and no, seriously, I’m not exaggerating, I really have never, at the age of 21, found my skill. I’d love to find it in jewellery-making and design, but i just don’t believe in myself. I know I know, I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t believe in myself. But, come on, after all these years of self-hating, am I really going to start believing in myself soon and make great, wearable pieces? That sounds incredibly defeatist… but I don’t even trust my jump rings to stay closed.
I kinda wish I could just design jewellery without making. I can think of lovely designs, but I don’t know where I could possibly find the materials to make such things (never mind the whole ‘I’m useless’ thing). Craft stores seem, to me at least, pretty limited. They don’t have the charms that I want. It’s nice to buy a pack of beads and charms and put them together to make something, but it’s not… I don’t know… what I want? It’s fun buying a teddy bear charm with a half-moon charm and star charm and putting them together to make a lovely ‘sweet dreams’ necklace or bracelet (a piece I certainly intend to make soon!) but… I don’t know. I guess I feel like I cheated. Just buying a bunch of lil charms and opening and closing some jump rings on a chain. I guess that is what jewellery-making is about, so why do I feel it’s not enough? Maybe I just want to get ‘advanced’ WAY before time lol… Just getting ahead of myself. All I know is, I envy girls with their own websites, selling their own jewellery that they made… charms that they made, words they wrote themselves. I want to be like that one day. That is my dream, I just know it. I just… don’t know how. 21 months ago