Stupid me contacted him on day 11. He can go to hell. I can go to hell for contacting him.

I blocked him on all those damn sites again.

I am so dumb. He was never my best friend. He never loved me. I was simply a distraction. He is full of lies.

I shall hate you, I shall be angry, I shall grieve, I shall accept in time. 1 month ago

Dang ole dang!!! Six days under my belt and I am feeling more at peace and I am being more productive.

He added one song to the playlist on youtube he made for me…but the song was dumb. So that did not put me back…even though I am still checking the playlist. gaaaaah.

Whooo! Happy Friday. I am gonna go out tonight and flirt with cute guys. Bet. 1 month ago

Well, well, well. Here I am. Whoooo!

Yesterday he sent me two emails. They were short, upbeat emails. I deleted them and promptly blocked him from all social media and chats.

Nothing from him today. That is sorta sad because today is my birthday. But, it is better I suppose because if he doesn’t contact me, I won’t feel compelled or driven to respond.

He has been my drug for too long. Far too long.

Cheers!!! 1 month ago

So, it’s come to this – 60 days no contact. Okay, it is on like Donkey Kong!
I have done this goal before and it worked like a charm. So frakking crazy I am here again. But, it works; so I shall do it again.

This time, it is not the same ex-boyfriend. That ex has gone on and married the gal he left me for.

The present guy was never meant to be mine in the first place.
I compromised my beliefs and morals talking to him. It is time to cut the cord.

So, I believe blocking him on all social media is in order. I have already deleted his phone number.

It shall be a clean cut. I will meet the goal of 60 days no contact. Challenges enthrall me. I am in it to win it.

So long, chump. :) 1 month ago

Got a very short pleasant “hi hope you are good” type message from him. Deleted it without reply. Day three. Realizing it’s not about inner strength or willpower…just courage to allow uncomfortable feelings…to ride out the times when it feels intolerable to not reach out to him (nothing good EVER comes of it). 2 months ago

Made it through second day. Feeling better, not so ashamed anymore. Not making it worse by berating myself! :) See you tomorrow… 2 months ago

This is Day 1. I broke NC, he didn’t. It was not worth it, I feel much worse. I start over, now. 2 months ago

No contact, no urge to contact. I like the way we are now, which is that it has ended on a good note. Sometimes you realise there is no meaning to anything, we individually construct our own narrative of events. So I guess I can consciously do that. This is a good time and a good way to let go. I don’t feel hurt or angry or anything. I feel sad and a little bit nostalgic. But I feel okay about myself.

I don’t want this any more, it has to end. And I have to go through this process, and feel the feelings. It’s my choice to do this, and I feel relaxed and okay about it. Ready, if that’s the right word.

I want to work out what bound me to an unhappy relationship for so long. But in a way of looking forward not back, and how to still seize the day and take risks, but to learn from this. 3 months ago

I did. I helped him out through a difficult work situation, because it’s what I do for a living. I feel okay about it, because I would do it for any friend. Plus I feel that it’s ending it on a positive note rather than all the angst. I guess. Hmmmmm.

I’m reluctant to write here after I got a couple of PMs telling me off and being really rather invasive. I just realised today that I don’t want to write honestly here for fear of being judged. And that still makes me incredibly angry – I use 43things as a personal, ephemeral journal. Not for the networking or the community, or the mutual encouragement. I use it for personal goals, to write about my progress, to be totally honest, and because it’s not tangible. I love that I can pull the plug on my account or any goal with one touch of the button, and it’s all gone. I love the fact that I am anonymous and unfindable.

So fuck it. When I started to lose weight I got lots of unwanted and unhelpful advice here, and that’s petered out now. Yes, I struggle like crazy with this goal but I’d rather be able to write about it here and be honest than pretend I’m text book just so I don’t offend someone with my struggles.

I’m surprised how angry I am still. I think it’s because I’ve never asked for advice, so having these two people send me snottagrams about how I’m doing it ‘wrong’ and they are tired of telling me the error of my ways. Fuck it. I like this site, I’m going to carry on using it as I want.

So the ex – back to no contact again, but feeling good about it. I’m disentangling my emotions more and more, and I know that it’s about more than him (obviously). I don’t want him, I just want someone. Gah.

Another day, another dollar. I’ve had a horrible sick bug for the last ten days, so feeling fragile. Still, all good :) 3 months ago

Him getting in touch I mean? I dunno. I am cross now that he’s broken my run of no contact, but on the other hand, it was a real learning curve for me. So back to no contact as usual, which makes me feel a lot more optimistic about doing this.

So Day 1 / Day 6 – does’t really matter I guess. There is nothing there any more, and that’s a real breakthrough for me. Plus I can see the pattern clearly. Very good stuff. 3 months ago

Weird. Just a short conversation on IM, which I had running in the background on the PC. It was very matter of fact, because he’s had some bad news about work. I feel kind of empty and nothingness. Not happy, not sad, not excited, nothing. He did say that he had applied for a job in my city, and again, I feel absolutely nothing this time. Don’t believe him for a start, but also – so what? It’s over and done. Am carrying on with my no contact with him.

I don’t know what I’m longing for – I think it’s for something that’s gone, because he’s not it. I’ve been dreaming and yearning, but the reality is totally meaningless and flat. It’s crazy really. 3 months ago

I’m off sick at the moment, and I keep dreaming about him. Which I hate, because I wake up so upset and tormented, that it’s a struggle. And the dreams are odd, they are all about him with his family, or him with another woman, and I feel so stupid and bereft again. It’s not real, but they are very powerful.

And today is Valentines Day, which doesn’t matter. But…I just feel a bit sad. I am not going to contact him, this is Day Five and I really really don’t want to put myself up for more hurt any more. But I do feel a bit wobbly for some reason.

I wonder if I ever let myself grieve for this stupid relationship? I don’t know. It’s so hard, and right now I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to contact him, because I know that he won’t answer and I’ll feel horrible about myself if I do.

Good news though – it’s also Day Five of no smoking, and my weight has dropped right down again. And I have another date lined up with Gorgeous George,so I am pleased about that. 3 months ago

I think. Yes, that sounds about right – since the weekend (Saturday), four days. I have a horrible virus at the moment, and I did get an urge to text this morning, but I didn’t. I told myself I could revisit it if I waited till this evening, and by then the urge had long since passed.

I’m feeling pretty ill just now, and I want comfort. Also I have time for my thoughts, which doesn’t help. I dreamt about him this morning, feverish and unhappy dreams, and that didn’t help.

But yeah, here we are – four days of no contact and feeling strong. Yay :) 3 months ago

He played with my feelings.. lead me to believe he was interested for 4 months. Last few weeks he withdrew and when I confronted him, he pulled the “Let’s be friends” card.
I feel insulted, stupid and humiliated. The best part is the he does not care. He shows no remorse for having hurt my feelings by dragging me along when he knew he didn’t care for me.

My only consolation will be to see how karma takes care of him.

We have a lot of mutual friends, so it’s difficult to avoid him entirely. I feel tempted to text him even to insult him, tell him the bastard he is but I have to be better than this.

Wish me luck! 3 months ago

Feeling pretty good about this goal. My blip at the weekend maybe helped me to sort my mind out. I want this sixty days, and I want the peace that comes from changing it. Already, a few days in, and the habits have changed. I stopped expecting a text from him first thing in the morning. It’s actually been okay. Work has been mega busy, and also I’ve got a bug so I feel a bit ill and coughing, and just weak. Normally I would want to turn to him, but the last few weeks have killed that.

I am reading a book that’s helping me, and that’s good. I think it’s about changing behaviours/thoughts and THEN feelings, which seems to work. I’m not doing too much on it right now, just shifting my patterns around somewhat. I want to see where I am at the end of tis week. 3 months ago

Doing well on this, I feel better than I did on Friday/Saturday when I got in touch to no avail. It’s all very odd, but I guess I just take it moment by moment and see where I get. I am pretty resolved on this, and it’s different and easier than it was. I need to avoid getting complacent though, and realise that he is no good for me at all.

I feel a little bit odd about writing here honestly about what’s going on, but after a couple of days reflection I realise that I love t he freedom and the honesty, without any pretence or glamming it up or anything, so I’m going to carry on being honest, and writing about what’s really going on however it strikes me that I want to do it. 3 months ago

I’ve learned a lesson from yesterday – contact did NOT help. I felt so bad about giving in, and it didn’t make me feel better at all. I accept that this awful relationship is OVER, done for good. I want to be free from the pain and the ties and the urge to contact someone who is horrible to me. I am going to feel so good in sixty days, when I have worked through this. And next time I feel rubbish about myself and have the urge to contact him, I am going to put in place all the strategies I worked out last night. NO CONTACT. None. 3 months ago

But I failed on this goal today. I contacted him, and I DON’T KNOW WHY. He didn’t answer, and that just hurt me so much, because it changed the dynamic again. I feel lousy now, by sending him texts and emails, I feel like a mad woman, and back to the beginning. So I’m back at zero point again, sigh.

BUT….this is not me giving up. Yes, I contacted him, yes, it was a crappy mistake. But I’m going to learn from it. I’m bloody well going to be accountable and admit it, and be honest about it. It was such a bad day because of that, and I feel hurt and alone. I have got to heal though, and a set back is lousy but here I go again. Day one again. Get through the rest of the day, and focus on what I’m going to do in future to avoid it.

Why did I contact him? I was running late, so got the bus to work. I felt antsy and upset, and I sent him a text on the bus. No answer, so I sent another one. No answer, and then later I emailed him. No answer, which just hurt me. But that’s his pattern, like this is mine.

Live in the moment, not in the future. I don’t have to resist the entire sixty days at once, I just have to be in this moment, and do the best that I can, so that it all adds up to the sixty days, if that makes sense. I can do this, if I can lose 154 lbs then I can not contact someone who lied to me, cheated on me, dumped me, hurt me repeatedly. But I AM going to be honest on this anonymous forum, and own up to my mistakes and my struggles, because if I lie to myself then I might as well give up altogether. I made a mistake, but I’ve learned from it that I feel TERRIBLE now. So, here goes again. I can write as much as I like here, knowing that I am anonymous and free to be brutally honest about my failings with the ex.

Just get through tonight, or rather, get through the next thirty minutes, then the next, then the next. Build it up bit by bit, the way I lost weight. I didn’t lose 154 lbs, I lost 2 lbs and 1 lb over and over again until they added up to where I am now. Same with this, lots of small goals, small steps, until I get to where I want to be.

I feel empowered just writing that :) 3 months ago

For anyone on Day 1…it gets a little easier, it does, but the “anniversary” points of No Contact act as triggers for me.

Today it’s “2 Weeks” so I am obsessing much more than yesterday. But this is also the two week anniversary of me getting all my dignity back, the abrupt end to my pleading and begging and desperation thrown at someone who didn’t want me anymore, except as a friend (with benefits).

I’m glad I’m writing here, now, instead of breaking No Contact. I still hurt, but my dignity is intact! 3 months ago

Well, another day nearly under my belt. Feels good to be in control, and to make choices. I am periodically tempted to text him, sometimes I come close, then I think – what IS the point?

I’m not trying to get him back this time. I don’t want no contact to make him miss me, or anything like that. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping he would get in touch, but that’s kind of separate. I want him to beg me back, to apologise and grovel, but that’s just a human reaction. So what if he did? I don’t want to go back to the on/off hurt of years of a non-relationship. I just don’t. So I have to suck it up, deal with the pain and learn to let go.

This sixty day no contact deal is about a break, getting him out of my life, changing my life so he’s not in it. I am working to get through this, I journal, I think about things. I have a lot of work ahead of me in terms of why I am so hung up about him. Not just thinking about sadness, but genuinely working on getting through this. There’s a difference, I think. I’ve read various sites, not so much this time, but there is a big emphasis on ‘winning the ex back’ through no contact. That’s genuinely not what I’m doing, although as I said, there is an element of that.

I find it hard. But some things are going to be okay. I’ve learned that changing routines make some things change. For instance, for the last three months I’ve got up at 5 and gone to the gym at 7 before work. That’s just what I do, and now it’s my habit, my routine. I stick to it not from choice, but just because I lay out my gym clothes, pack my bag, go to the gym, go to work. And it’s the same with the ex, I have to change my habits, get out of the way of being in constant contact.

So in sixty days time, I hope and anticipate that the urge to constantly be in touch will have gone, because that’s no longer my pattern and habit. So now it’s hard, but if I stick in there the rewards will be sweet. So I have to change things, not just NOT contact him but actively address what it is that he gave me.

Some of the things were acceptance, a feeling of mattering to someone, loneliness, low self-esteem, wanting to be held and loved. I get that he didn’t really give me any of that, but it was an illusion that I got SOME of these things. Some sort of validation. And I have to stop looking to him to provide a pseudo form of these things, because all the time I was with him I felt like I didn’t matter, I was lonely, I felt bad about myself, and he wasn’t here to hold and love me on a regular basis. He didn’t really give me what I sought, and I have to address some of this. SO it’s a two pronged attack – get over him, and find what I seek in other ways, probably from within myself.

Low self-esteem is a killer for me. I know that I’ve lost 150 lbs, that I’ve kept it off, that I go to the gym, that I have a good job, that I have good savings, that I am a nice person. But I always feel kind of crappy about myself, and I’m not sure how to deal with that. The self-help stuff I’ve read has never massively worked for me, but that’s one thing that I am going to address – how to make myself matter to me, how to make myself believe that I am not unworthy of love or being treated well. My obesity is a huge contributing factor to that, because I feel that I’m not really worth much. It’s a tough mindset to shift, but – if I don’t do it, no one else can do it for me.

Gah! All so tough. But still, on the positive side, another day clocked up where temptation wasn’t too bad, where I haven’t contacted him, and where I haven’t indulged in terrible behaviour (bingeing, drinking etc). I have been smoking though, and that’s the next thing on the list to address, because that stops at the weekend. 3 months ago

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I haven’t and I won’t. It’s an urge that is pointless, to make things ‘right’. But they’re not right, and won’t be right. Hang in there, turn off phone and PC, go and do something else for an hour. 3 months ago

Well, I feel good about this. Doing a lot of work and using every tool I have to get over this stupid relationship. I am 100% determined to do this, and it’s not with the hope of ‘getting him back’. Obviously the shallow part of me is hoping that he begs and cries etc, because at the moment he’s not speaking to me. But in a strange way that’s irrelevant, because I AM CHOOSING to do this. If I’m tempted to send a text then I’ll write here instead, call a friend, do something else.

Interestingly I often contact him when I’m feeling strong/relaxed, because I feel mellow and forgiving. SO I need to watch out for that!! It’s not just about the desperation, it’s also linked to nostalgia and being friends. But if we do one day become friends, then we can do so after this sixty days. I need this break desperately, and by framing it as a specific time period it feels like a tough challenge but achievable. 3 months ago

And I do feel proud of myself. It wasn’t that hard, actually – the bad bits were bad, but they weren’t long-lasting. I want to remember that. Maybe write here – that the sadness does not last in a single miserable deluge, but it’s like a wave, it rises and then falls away. It’s about riding it out, and remembering that it doesn’t last long. I’m going to do this, I feel strangely confident this time. I’ve never felt this strong before when I try to go no contact. 3 months ago

I’ve added this goal to really get over my ex. I saw him on Saturday, and it was awful. I feel so churned up and sad, although not too bad today. Yesterday was awful, because I was travelling, and I felt just so hurt and so defeated.

We broke up in November, then he begged me back over Christmas, but we didn’t see each other. We rowed, he’s treated me so badly. I am keeping a journal, but I want to have it as a goal here to do these sixty days.

It’s non-negotiable. The next sixty days are vital for me. I choose to do this, it goes beyond contact, the next sixty days are about moving on from him, it’s about making a conscious effort to root him out of my life. What does it actually mean?

- no contact: no texts, no emails, no calls, no visits
- no checking: no face book, no social media
- working on my thoughts: really getting over him, by allowing myself to get over this relationship that has sucked me down for so long.

He has done so many truly crappy things to me over the last years. We’ve been ‘together’ since last May formally, and in that time he has lied to me repeatedly, cheated on me, hurt me and I think he’s been emotionally abusive. I’m not sure if that’s my own doing for not walking away.

I feel okay just now, but I want to do this. I don’t think he would speak to me just now, but whatever….I am choosing this route, regardless of his actions. I am choosing to have sixty days of working on this, because I feel profoundly like I need this break, this time to get him out of my emotional life. It’s so hard, because for years he’s been there. Like right now, it’s six in the morning and that’s when we normally (always) say morning, catch up, chat and start the day. BUT I am breaking the cycle. Change it around.

I know that other people get sick of me with this goal, with him, with my problems. Just do it. But I have found it profoundly difficult for many reasons. It’s tied up with so much else, my low self-esteem, thinking this is the best that I deserve. Plus in life, I am profoundly attracted to him, I feel comfortable and relaxed with him. No more. It will be okay, it’s about changing my life and my habits and my routines.

I’ve met a nice guy, but that’s separate and not linked to this. I am going to do this if it kills me. I will use every method and trick and technique I can find. I will give this everything and see where I am in sixty days. It’s not to get him back, it’s not about him, this is entirely about me. I don’t have anything to say to him any more. 3 months ago