Well, another day nearly under my belt. Feels good to be in control, and to make choices. I am periodically tempted to text him, sometimes I come close, then I think – what IS the point?
I’m not trying to get him back this time. I don’t want no contact to make him miss me, or anything like that. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping he would get in touch, but that’s kind of separate. I want him to beg me back, to apologise and grovel, but that’s just a human reaction. So what if he did? I don’t want to go back to the on/off hurt of years of a non-relationship. I just don’t. So I have to suck it up, deal with the pain and learn to let go.
This sixty day no contact deal is about a break, getting him out of my life, changing my life so he’s not in it. I am working to get through this, I journal, I think about things. I have a lot of work ahead of me in terms of why I am so hung up about him. Not just thinking about sadness, but genuinely working on getting through this. There’s a difference, I think. I’ve read various sites, not so much this time, but there is a big emphasis on ‘winning the ex back’ through no contact. That’s genuinely not what I’m doing, although as I said, there is an element of that.
I find it hard. But some things are going to be okay. I’ve learned that changing routines make some things change. For instance, for the last three months I’ve got up at 5 and gone to the gym at 7 before work. That’s just what I do, and now it’s my habit, my routine. I stick to it not from choice, but just because I lay out my gym clothes, pack my bag, go to the gym, go to work. And it’s the same with the ex, I have to change my habits, get out of the way of being in constant contact.
So in sixty days time, I hope and anticipate that the urge to constantly be in touch will have gone, because that’s no longer my pattern and habit. So now it’s hard, but if I stick in there the rewards will be sweet. So I have to change things, not just NOT contact him but actively address what it is that he gave me.
Some of the things were acceptance, a feeling of mattering to someone, loneliness, low self-esteem, wanting to be held and loved. I get that he didn’t really give me any of that, but it was an illusion that I got SOME of these things. Some sort of validation. And I have to stop looking to him to provide a pseudo form of these things, because all the time I was with him I felt like I didn’t matter, I was lonely, I felt bad about myself, and he wasn’t here to hold and love me on a regular basis. He didn’t really give me what I sought, and I have to address some of this. SO it’s a two pronged attack – get over him, and find what I seek in other ways, probably from within myself.
Low self-esteem is a killer for me. I know that I’ve lost 150 lbs, that I’ve kept it off, that I go to the gym, that I have a good job, that I have good savings, that I am a nice person. But I always feel kind of crappy about myself, and I’m not sure how to deal with that. The self-help stuff I’ve read has never massively worked for me, but that’s one thing that I am going to address – how to make myself matter to me, how to make myself believe that I am not unworthy of love or being treated well. My obesity is a huge contributing factor to that, because I feel that I’m not really worth much. It’s a tough mindset to shift, but – if I don’t do it, no one else can do it for me.
Gah! All so tough. But still, on the positive side, another day clocked up where temptation wasn’t too bad, where I haven’t contacted him, and where I haven’t indulged in terrible behaviour (bingeing, drinking etc). I have been smoking though, and that’s the next thing on the list to address, because that stops at the weekend. 3 months ago