not worry my life away

I still worry, but not as much. I realized that my worries are triggered when I subject myself to unrealistic deadlines or when I get myself worked up over others’ expectations on me. Thus I always have to remind myself that I’m not superhuman, and not unless I can grow another head to host a second brain, I can’t do or even think about everything that comes up on my radar. Also, I really should worry less about what others think of me, coz otherwise I doubt I can get anything done, let alone actually do all those things that really satisfies me.

In the bigger scheme of things, I need to focus on what I can do. If it’s beyond me, it’s probably enough to still hope for the best but not let those worrying thoughts paralyze me. Plus, I happen to read somewhere that most of the time, the things that worry us the most don’t happen anyway.. so why worry?

^{Of course I say this in a rare moment of lucidity, let’s just hope this moment lasts much longer than it usually does..}

Too many things in my head,
Too many thoughts in my bed
I can’t slow down
I might not get up
Coz I’m too caught up
In this game of catch up
Fearing I’d be left behind
Fearing I’d lose my mind
Fearing I’d never amount to anything
Worthy of ambition.

It’s still Sunday, almost 11 AM to be exact. I’m about to go out for lunch with a friend, then meeting a different group of friends later for tea. Yesterday was spent at the spa, getting myself a facial and a massage. That was nice, though the massage was a bit painful at times. Apparently I have too much toxin in my body.. need to go on a detox diet soon.

Yesterday evening was spent working while watching TV. Had pizza for dinner then it was “Lost” and “Supernatural” on AXN. Lost is about to end it seems, but of course, it’s nowhere near to whatever answer that we’d hope for. “Supernatural” was cool, an episode about hauntings in an old asylum. That was really spooky and I watched it mostly behind my pillow, not wanting to see some of the close-ups coz I know they’re gonna scare me for days. Yeah, it’s a bit silly.. but I watch them anyway. Plus Dean and Sam are hot! Given the choice, think I like Dean better :)

OK, enough rambling. Actually, I didn’t feel like updating my goals, so I thought I’d ramble here. I do worry less these days, especially when I get to spend my weekend deliberately like this. The downtime gives me a better capacity to deal with whatever stuff that comes my way. I should have more weekends like this. :)

I made the mistake of paying my tuition fees late. Now I have to contend with the crappy red-tape in order to appeal, else I’ll have to drop the class 3 weeks before exam.

I actually toyed with the idea of dropping the whole class anyway. But my friend talked some sense into me and advised that I go with the flow (tho crappy red-tape is hardly that), get the relevant signatures, bear and grin (yeah right!) when they insist on lecturing me about being more cautious regarding these deadlines and just be done with it. Bottom-line, she said I stand to lose a lot more if I just give up and give in to those heartless paper-pushers in Admission (okay, I’m whining a tad bit recklessly today, but I just need to let off some steam).

I weighed the pros and cons and figured I’m better off finishing the class and sit for the exam, even if it means I have to go to the Admissions office several times just to get this done. So fine.. I will do it, albeit grudgingly. I know I’m gonna get an earful from my thesis supervisor once she hears this..urghh..

2nd worry wart.. my insurance called and said I missed payment which was due in April. Oh sh*t! If so, my policy would’ve lapsed already! I clearly remember paying it but I don’t trust myself enough, so I gotta check my bank statements and check book to see if I made the payment or not. I hope my policy hasn’t lapsed just coz of this. I’m normally very meticulous when it comes to paying bills on time, I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten, if it turned out that I really did forget. Sigh..

It seems that as I try harder to consciously worry less, these things crop up and threaten to wreak havoc in my otherwise peaceful routine. I know, I should just deal with it.. bite the bullet and do whatever it takes. I just wished the timing wasn’t so screwed, what’s with all the other hassles I have to put up with. God give me strength, I need to survive the next 2 weeks with my sanity intact. That and pls let me breathe normally and help me remove this deadweight feeling that’s weighing me down.

It’s my nature to worry about stuff. In my line of work, you need a healthy amount of paranoia to stay on the ball of things. But I also know that I worry excessively sometimes, to the point that it often paralyzes me.

I guess I take too many things too seriously. I don’t know if it’s just me being thorough or an inherrent fear of something.. failure? Maybe.. What I do know is that it inhibits me from being able to live in the moment. And that makes things a lot less fun and a whole lot more stressful than it needs to be.

I am planning to write frequent blurbs on how something would worry me, and how I can logically negate the worry by realistically asking myself, “What’s the worse thing that could happen?”.

To my fellow 43T friends out there, if I’m overly-justifying my worries to the point where I sound like an irresponsible yuppie (is that an oxymoron? whatever..), pls feel free to lovingly give me a nudge every now and then. Much thanks! :D