Yup, I called him. The moment was a mix between curiosity and excitement. Then I felt a little anxiety, confusion and sadness. Why? for two reasons: I realize how boring I was in that moment and im still learning about how to live alone.
The conversation were ok, lots of questions about family, work and other stuff. Then the uncomfortable questions: why I called him (just to know you are ok) and my expectations (I’m not talking about a reconciliation, its that possible we can be friends?). His attitude was skeptical (“I don’t believe in you” or “I’m very sure you want to have sex”).
But today, three days later after talk about to go out and talk a little, I really think if I did the right thing. How much time you have to wait to talk like friends with your ex. Sometimes I think if that not possible. Also I have to evaluate if I have a hide reason to did that (“maybe I want to have sex” or “Im very very bore and I didn’t make something”). 19 months ago
and hurts. I forget the last time I talk with him, maybe one month, maybe more. I remmeber those last days, horrible. The only thing I remmember it was Saturday and he scream. Just few words, he isn’t a agressive person. He problem was the lies. Lies for all. Like a double life. Again… horrible…
One week ago, its like awake for a dream. This excitement for the separation suddenly dispear and now i really feel alone. Pretty similar like my life with him, but without sex.
But in this separation (obviosly this is not my first relationship), i just want to breath and cry. Not go outside to screw around and meet the first guy in the street, or call a friend with privileges… i just want to rest for these years i spend with him. For the good times and bad times. I want to say thanx you for the help when I really need it, thanxs for the fun and the love but you give me the oportunity to feel the bad things. Get angry, sad, disillucion for all the moments I notice but I ignore you was in other things, all the moments I called you and you didnt respond and all the times I saw you in your ex house (in the same neighbourhood).
I just want to feel and relief, because im free of that… 20 months ago
How I did it: I just stopped thinking about needing love as much. I want it, but I already have so much of it I just had to lie back and put the overpowering want out of my mind to see how much I already have. Now I want it less because I can see that I already have more than enough.
I guess it helps that I've never been the type to be distressed about not having someone or having someone. It's nice to have people, especially of the romantic nature, but not a necessity. I'm lucky now that I do have someone, but I know I'd still be okay irregardless and still find enough love around me. Read how I did it… 3 years ago