Don't look for love, beg for love, or suffer for love. Just live.

I wish it were simple.

Especially when I am such a freaking romantic and suffering for love is something I was born to do :)
Anyhow, I have just learned that my ex has a new girlfriend back here while he is still abroad. And one of the arguments (of course I knew it was bull….) was that long-distance relationship does not work for him. Hmmm – it seems to be working now. I knew it was a lame excuse when I heard it and of course life has just proved it right.
The news made me angry and then I got angry at myself that such thing still makes me angry when I should not care anymore :/

Lesson learned:
When it comes to relationships, I keep thinking about the other person more than myself. I don’t want to hurt anybody and at the same time I hurt myself.
I need to be more selfish in this area of my life. Otherwise I will keep getting trotted upon.

I have a bad habit of depending on my partner to make me happy. My relationship is always the center of my life which creates resentments and fulfillment and unhealthy attachments. I constantly make myself available to my boyfriend. I have a hard time taking interest in what I want to do. SO! What do I want to do? What do I want my time to be filled with? That’s easy. Love. lol. But, a life that’s just one relationship isn’t healthy, so what do I want MY life to be?

-decorating
+cakes, cookies, rooms, parties- I want to do it all
-seeing pretty places, having good days at the beach and all that jazz
-knowing my family better
-getting back into knowing more about dogs and animals
-volunteering my time

+I need to spend each day focusing on making myself who I want to be. I want to read and be peaceful.

... Marianne Willamson.
Excerpt from Return to Love

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Once again I feel like a part of me has died. I realised this morning that I have lived a good portion of my life without anyone I’ve ever dated actually loving me and I am reminded of that saying ” the definition of lunacy is f you keep doing the same thing expecting different results.” I often fall in love – it is never reciprocated. I have come to the conclusion that my bad relationships are there because at least I can advise my friends to learn from my mistakes and that makes me feel useful. But I need to find a good hypnotherapist to get rid of my hopeful feelings. If they can stop people smoking this shouldn’t be too difficult.
Before anyone gets on here and tells me that a love life will come when I least expect it blah, blah, blah, I joined E-harmony this weekend and every match that was picked for me rejected me (and yes, I know I’ll laugh about this next week!)
I fear that whatever the Universe is trying to tell me I’m just not getting it and I hurt too much to do this anymore. No more dating for me, not that I get that many offers so hopefully (ha) I should be over this soon.
I guess I am just one of those people who is not supposed to have couply love in my life and I am now prepared to listen. If anyone asks me out again I shall remember to say, thank you very much but no thank you. I am learning…

prove me wrong!

“She was a smart girl until she fell in love…”

my words but they do show how much you can learn from having the right kind of men in your life… I really miss this one.

Most people’s hearts are in the wrong place.
You know when your heart is in the wrong place because it doesn’t feel right, it hurts, there’s confusion. That’s the language of the heart, it’s telling you “I’m in the wrong freekin’ place!”.
It’s an internal guidance system and people just don’t pay enough attention to it or they don’t take it seriously because they haven’t been taught that this is what it is. People are addicted to the pain of the heart being in the wrong place because they are used to it, probably from a very early age.
It’s like a drug with only occasional glimpses of fake happiness that’s created by the ego not the heart
When it’s in the right place then you will really know it. You’ll be really happy, not hurting.
If everyone REALLY listened to their hearts, their internal guidance system, then WOW what a beautiful world we would live in. We wouldn’t have top be in so much pain and be killing each other.”

I’m not that Girl – from Wicked

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I’m not that girl:

Don’t dream too far
Don’t lose sight of who you are
Don’t remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I’m not that girl

Ev’ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who’s winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That’s the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I’m not that girl:

Don’t wish, don’t start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn’t born for the rose and the pearl
There’s a girl I know
He loves her so
I’m not that girl

...my words.

“When summer starts, there are suddenly an awful lot of very pretty people dressed in summer clothes, which are sexy in a different way from winter clothes. And I find myself swinging wildly back and forth between thinking, “Calm down, Joey. These are real people, who should be treated with respect. I wonder what she thinks of that book she’s reading?” and half a second later thinking, “I want to spend the rest of my life just kissing that one spot on her neck oh god oh god.”

But they’re pretty close to how I feel now that it is summerishness.

I may never get to see you as often as I’d like
I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night
But deep in my heart, I truly know
you’re the one that I love and
can’t ever let go