learn to forgive

I thought about the other people in my life. I know my mother has people that she has never forgiven. She makes no secret about it. I wonder if by her example I am the same way. I want change to be with me, for me, not only for my physical health but mental health as well.

All right, some food for thought for myself. To forgive is not equal to forgetting. There is no frontal lobotomy that conveniently removes all of the memories that still hurt.

My observation is that with some small things for which I have deemed inconsequential…is that when I remember them, I no longer live it, breath it and beat the dead horse. Nor do I hurt with the same freshness. More of an irritation but I moved on kind of hurt.

Is that what forgiveness boils down to? Kind of a…well I’m bored of maintenancing this issue now so forget about it? How does one expedite this process for all of the items on a forgiveness punch list?

the person I haven’t forgiven the most is myself.

to forgive. After all, isn’t “I forgive you” thrown out there so casually? I have said those words. I thought I meant those words, but in the heat of an argument the whole sordid mess comes spewing out. All the things that were said and done. All the tears and anger. I don’t know what it feels like to forgive. I guess I don’t really know what it means to forgive. So, step one for me is finding out what it MEANS to forgive.

Its very hard for me to forgive someone. Not because I’m still angry but because I haven’t figured out exactly what forgiveness means and why I need to forgive. I feel like I’m “over” a lot of things that people have said or done to me, but I don’t think I necessarily forgive them.

I would like to learn how to forgive my “father”.
All my life… wasted.
I have done nothing for nearly 18 years but grow, do school, draw, and most of all take care of my mother. shes so sick, and all I’ve ever known was taking care of her.

Because of my “fathers” abuse, and not taking the lead like he was supposed to – my mother did all the work. when I was 8 or so, which is as far back as I can recall, I’ve been helping her.
and now shes so sick… once shes gone, there wont be anyone who needs me anymore.

Sure, I have brothers and a sister, but gl getting close to one of my brothers, but sister is moving far away and my other brother is…
I don’t know.
I need someone or something to need me.
it’s all I’ve ever known… and thanks to that thing in my house, I’ve been forced to live a blank life.

I love helping people, but it makes me feel so empty sometimes…
why?
I don’t know how to live without her… it’s all I know.
How can I forgive my “father” for something like this?

It’s just tearing me apart inside…
and it’s sickening.

I have been done wrong on soooo many levels that it has just taken a tole on me. I know the Godly thing is to forgive, but sometimes it is soooooo hard, especially when you didnt do the wrong. Everytime I have gotten myself up and tried again it is worse. I totally lost my way this past 2 months. but I dont want to give people that control over my life.

I tend to forgive people pretty easily…depending on what was done. However I have a problem with the forgetting part. I just think if you tryly forget then you’ll probably be put in the same situation again and again….so I’m working on that now, basically trying to not hold grudges after I have forgiven someone. sigh it’s harder that you think!

that anger has had a bigger hold on me than I ever thought! I have had some things come to mind, that I didn’t know were there…they were way back in my mind! Long forgotten, or brushed off…or so I thought! How can I still feel angry about them all these years later?! My subconscious must think I am ready to deal with this anger, for the memories and feelings to surface! God wants me to work on these issues that obviously are holding me back! And He will help!

I was taking a walk this evening, and I realized that I am angry at a lot more people in my life than I thought I was! I have a lot of resentments! And that anger and resentment has been eating away at me! For years! It has been an eye-opener for me! Maybe because I am not denying it any more, but I feel ready to work on this forgiveness thing! And, in church, the sermons have been on forgiveness, and the pastor said that it is “supernatural”! So, I know that God can and wants to help me with this…it is beyond my power! Alone, anyway!