confess my feelings

I saw my best friend today afternoon and as we caught up, I mentioned this predicament I was in. Many hours later, after Mr. B called, she contacted me to see how it went. I explained and she comforted me. She’s a wonderful, beautiful rarity and somehow, in some magical way, her words help me always..they strengthen me. Today was no exception.

Some wise words from my friend:

“A lot of things begin with a friendship. You’ve planted that seed in his mind. He’ll at least now be aware and question himself. I’m not saying that he’ll turn around and fall in love but to lose hope and faith in yourself and something like that…is terrible. As people, we need these kinds of aspirations and these burdens. Don’t lose hope but don’t keep false hopes.

Have you ever tried plum bitter melon? It’s bitter melon soaked in a plum preserve. This situation is exactly like this dish. I hate bitter melon but this dish, I can eat and enjoy. Though, at first, if you leave it for two days soaking in the plum sauce, it is still SO bitter. It is disgusting and painful to eat. Your tongue tingles and tenses and your mouth feels prickled. But leave it a week…and when you take a piece, it is juicy, crisp, refreshing, sweet…the exact thing you’ve waited for.”

I won’t lose hope. I will always be here for him.

about half an hour ago.

He told me that he has ‘never met anyone like me’ and that he needs me, that is, he needs me as his friend. He said that our five year friendship means a lot to him and he would hate to lose me as a friend. He also loves me as a friend only. I asked him if there was any chance this may change in the future and he replied with, ‘To be honest, I don’t know..’.

He apologised several times. I said it was okay, I’d continue to be his friend. In all likelihood, our friendship won’t ever be the same again.

I was surprised when he admitted I was and am the only person he truly trusts… If I’m so special to him, and if he can reveal his true self to me then why..
Argh, never mind.

I told him. Oh my gosh. I was rejected indirectly. He told me he wasn’t sure of his feelings and that he’d tell me tomorrow. Although he says he cannot identify his current feelings, I’m not stupid. I can read between the lines. I could spot the insinuations. I can wave bye bye to our friendship now. He told me this confession was so sudden and most unexpected..

I feel so foolish. I shouldn’t have let that friend persuade me into confessing. And now my other friend, my best friend, (Mr. A) is telling me it’s my fault that I was rejected. He said the timing was all wrong. I have two of my close male friends blaming me for what happened. It’s bad enough I was rejected, can’t they display a hint of sympathy at least?

I shouldn’t have listened to my friend. But I was scared. I was scared that if my friend was right and Mr. B did indeed like me..I would have killed those feelings by mentioning I like someone because he may have wrongly interpreted it. Then again, who wouldn’t? Frankly, in that situation, no one would assume the other person was referring to them unless it was made extremely obvious. That’s why I listened to that friend and confessed.

I shouldn’t have listened to my friend though…I should have waited until Mr. B had finished his exams. I shouldn’t have told him today. I should have waited, I could have waited.

How selfish of me to tell him and burden him unnecessarily. I feel so guilty…I was just immensely worried and afraid my friend would be/was right.

So many regrets.

I am SUCH an idiot! Why did I ask for his advice? On my birthday, I asked him what I should do..I explained my situation. I told him that I liked a male friend of mine and I didn’t know whether I should tell him or not. WHY did I do that?! How idiotic of me! In the case that he did have feelings for me, he’d have no reason to invest these emotions in me any longer after hearing that I like someone else. The male friend I was referring to was obviously him but he doesn’t know that. I screwed it up.. Sometimes, I am so thick in the head. My other male friend pestered me for saying these things. I’m going to confess immediately..oh God.

EDIT:

^ A friend put all that in my head.

The last time I saw him was on my birthday (about a week ago). I have yet to hear from him. I may be overanalysing this but I’ve found reason to believe he knows how I feel about him. I won’t state the reasons here though.

I confided in a close friend of mine and she says I need not tell him. Instead, she advises that I just continue to be friends with Mr. B and let whatever it is that may happen, happen naturally. This sounds a little senseless at first but I think it is sound advice. Rather than confessing my feelings verbally, I can confess them silently – through my actions. Accordingly, I wouldn’t be placing unnecessary pressure on him and if he already has feelings for me or begins to develop feelings for me in the future, the transition from friendship to relationship would be gradual and more natural than if I was to confront him and divulge my feelings outright.

Even if I don’t get to be with him, as long as he’s in my life, I’m happy.

My best friend, who happens to be a male (let’s call him Mr. A), believes I’ve placed him as second priority to the guy below (Mr. B). He’s convinced things will change between us if I pursue Mr. B and he also believes we lack a bond which is essential in a healthy friendship. I was shocked when he said these things. I think I’m going to defer confessing my feelings to Mr. B for the sake of my friendship with Mr. A.

Perhaps, if I can subdue/suppress my feelings for long enough, they will indeed disappear and both Mr. A and Mr. B will be happy. I certainly won’t be but this isn’t about me now, is it?

I feel so foolish.

A certain male friend and I share a wonderful friendship, however, in recent months, my once purely platonic feelings have seemed to evolve into something of another nature.

I may be experiencing limerence, it most certainly isn’t love but I am positive that I truly do like him. Unfortunately, I doubt my feelings are reciprocated. In this case, not confessing my feelings would be the selfless thing to do but I just can’t seem to contain these emotions. Gosh..I’d hate to destroy our five year friendship. I’m unsure on what I should do. Maybe it’s best I conceal these feelings and hope that they vanish with time.

I want to confess my feelings to a guy but I’m chicken and he scares me because we’re such good friends.

I saw, I heard, I found the courage, I confessed, I conquered, and now I feel free! Life is all better.

Angel_88