practice what I preach

I have been feeling awful. Firstat work and then before long at home and then just generally awful. I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was really useless. Just a really incompetent person. And almost every day there’s been something that I just don’t do. And it sucks.

Now ordinarily that would be understandable. Except that I also know that I have just moved countries again, changed jobs, am doing over 50 hours a week at work and we’ve bought and are almost done furnishing an apartment. All in the last 6 months. I kept on asking myself how I could be living such a lie. Masquerading like a competent person.

Then today my boss said something during my review that I din’t take notice of.. He said that I was doing a great job, that I can an must say no when things get too much, but that it’s not okay to say yes and then not do it. It really didn’t land. I just assumed that it was something in general.
Yet the entire day it kept on coming back in to my mind. Gently by repeatedly. And in a chat I was having with my mother I saw the truth. I don’t do what I say. Now there are many reasons for that.

I take on too much because I’m scared that people will think I’m incompetent for saying that I can’t do it, because I want them to see that I can handle it all,. Because I feel that I am powerless and can’t really control the world anyway so I should bend to fit it. That no-one cares how I am doing anyway. But these are not good enough reasons. I am here, an adult and I can make different choices.

But in the end the truth is that I am not doing what I say. And that’s not who I want to be. So knowing that, I am going to do it. Do what I say.

It seems like a massive commitment. I feel overwhelmed by the size of it and what it means that I am choosing. To plan, to put myself first, to be assertive . In short to treat myself like I have the right to do this and that I won’t be admitting to being incompetent or unhelpful. I don’t even know how to do that. I am scared. But this is the thing to change my life. I can see the general anxiety in my life subside if I get this right. This is what I want for myself, for my self respect and to be the person I want to be for the people I care about.

I spend a lot of time in my job talking to people, particularly kids, about what they could be doing to be more green and social and stuff. In fact, I’ve written 2 books about it.

But that really doesn’t make me as good at that stuff as I should be. So, everytime I say that someone should try something, I’m going to make sure that that serves as a wee kick up the bum to me.

too often i talk the talk and dont walk the walk

As a part-time trainer, I find I am constantly having to find time for my own workout. Sure, I get my exercise, but I tell the members at my club to work out 3 times a week there, and sometimes I fall short and end up doing free weights and DVD’s at home to make up for it. Sigh.

its high time i follow my own advice

I want to make sure I am living a life of integrity. I want to be the person everyone thinks I am.

This is important for me to do

Working on it

sooo, I have been going through this self revelation period where I am trying to better myself…it has been really good for me, but I have noticed that there are some things that I say I will do, and I kind of fall off. I need to refer to my list, both mentally and literally to improve the person I am.

Although this is something I’m already pretty good at I realize it’s something that I should ALWAYS have on my “to do” list. There’s no time that this will ever NOT be a great goal or good advice.

As good as I am at being true I realize there are times where I do the exact opposite. Like when I get upset because I think someone is being too judgemental towards others… who gave me the right to judge that person for their opinion.

So this is something I’ve done, will do, and will try to be more aware of so that I can do it even more.