stop punishing myself

I’m not doing anything wrong! I’m not lacking in anyway! What i seemingly do not have only makes me into the individual i am! It then becomes my eccentricities. My assets and non assets…those are the things that create my perspective. I do not need to become anything for anyone…I do not need to chase perfection. Therefore if something about me does not please someone, it really isn’t my fault! maybe this is the furthest I’ve gone to self denial, but how ever will i know right?..

I was punished my whole life. Probably not to the extent to which other children were punished, but i think that it was unfair and too much.. what i was exposed to. Maybe that’s what everyone thinks… That they had too much…that what they’ve been dealt is too much…

I can’t feel sorry for myself, yet at the same time i cannot obsess as to how i could have altered the way things turned out…

As such i need to stop punishing myself by obsessing! i never saw the point to punishment so the question really is.. Why am i still pointlessly punishing myself?......

i don’t know exactly when it happened
it’s been an evolution

a beautiful, delicate and important journey….

but also emotionally. no one is harder on me than myself. my daily thoughts include:

“you’re too whiny and emotional and selfish”
“you’re ugly”
“you FUCKUP”
“you are a waste of the universe’s time”

ugh. the more i reinforce this type of thinking, the stronger those neural connections get. i’ve got to rethink myself a LOT.

someone who is rather close to me noticed some marks on my leg last night that i’d been trying to keep hidden for a while now…i didn’t bother to explain them to him, because i honestly dont’ even know how to…

this isn’t the first time this has happened, and i’m tired of freaking out people i care about…i’ve got to stop this