start again

its eating away at me and I cant relax.It makes me SICK, i’m such a foul, disgusting person. I think i’ve only cried about it once.

i hate being such a burden on everyone. it must be weird foreveryone around me because i have been so happy for months and now im back to square one. im such a disappointment. to myself at any rate, even if others say im not.

also,i dont understand why i dont get told things like the others. its like im either forgotten, or more of an aquaintance than a friend. i dont understand it. im really upset about that actually. at least i suppose i know my place

iv had fun and stuff, but when im alone all these bad thoughts keep coming to my head and its horrible. and its been over a year since it happened but its still just as bad as it was last year. iv been having flashbacks again too and its really been freaking me out. i really want to cry but i cant! and to top it all off, my friends are off doing stuff without me, iv been really ill this week, im up to my eyeballs in painkillers, and while all this is going round and round my head, i have to do a fucking job application form and tidy my room!

i feel like shit. nobody reply to this, i want to sit and wallow.

over here, if you’d care to join me.

I’ve missed you!

More later, when I can find words.

how do i know when i have completed this goal?

i’m the kind of person who is never fully happy, i always strive to change something in my life. what if i never feel like i’ve started again?

coz tbh i have completed this goal in the way that i originally intended. I have a full time job that i love and i feel a much better person for it. My friend has also noticed that which is awesome!

so, what if i do stop getting angry? what if theres something else about myself that i feel i need to start again with? what if this goal is on my list forever?

i mean, i know i’ve come a long way since starting it, and im proud of that. but, how do i know when to stop? what if i am NEVER satisfied with myself as a person? coz thats not good if that happens. im confused. damn it. now i wont sleep!

so theres still stuff i need to deal with, mainly anger. I have calmed down A LOT you can see here

so iv done most of the work. however i still get outbursts. very very strong outbursts. and it needs to stop. It’s so hard tho, because i have grown up with a family who are all sooooo angry, including immediate family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, on both sides might i add. its such a vicious cycle.

i just wish i wouldnt overreact all the time. but i feel programmed this way! so im gonna mention it to my doc next time i go back. im gonna have to write a list of all my mental problems too! ^sighhh

i dont think i actually have a mental illness btw. i think im juust struggling to grow up. we live in such a culture where its cool to have mental health problems. i call it the girl interrupted syndrome. ironic i know :)

im just so alone, nobody knows how to help me bcoz they havent been thru it, its just so horrible, I DONT UNDERSTAND!!!

i was rekindling things with my bf (we recently took a break) and things were going so well, had a lovely night.

we then bumped into one of his friends from school who has had a baby. she was showing me pics n stuff, which i am now used to, doesnt make me feel as bad anymore, but still makes me think about what i did.

anyway, after we left my bf said to me, “maybe we could do that… kidding on”

which upset me coz he knows about it, and he knows how badly i want children, and it got me thinking, id love to have kids now, but i know its wrong coz i hardly know him and it wouldnt be right at all, but what if i lose it again, and take out the implant and get myself pregnant on purpose?? im so scared, i dont want to do that, i dont think i will do that, but everytime i think im on the mend i always do something stupid which fucks my life up all over again

i know he didnt mean it in a bad way coz i could see the panic in his eyes after he said it, i know he meant that he was crazy about me and that was his way of saying it, but this is the kind of thing that fucks with my head…

i just wish someone could save me from this. its nearly the first anniversary since i did it. its weird to think i was pregnant one year ago isnt it?

he’s really not well

i dont know what to do!

i’m a member of cosmopolitan.co.uk, its just a forum based on the magazine to talk about anything really, and they post articles every so often for us to discuss. one of the article has really upset me:

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/your-life/rise-in-number-of-women-having-multiple-abortions/v1

i cant stop crying now and i dont know what to do. i left a comment about how appalled i am at the way it was written. i just dont get why people complain about single mothers, then say how abortion is wrong, but refuse to write productive articles looking into why there is a rise or the effects of abortions, its just so narrowminded, and it really upset me!

Im just being stupid, but i cant help feeling this way. iv not felt like this for a while, havent even thought about it that much. i went to my docs recently about it and he just wrote down numbers for me to phone. i dont understand why he couldnt just refer me!

why is it that i cant go out and have a quiet night, even if i use as much energy as humanly possible to stay out of trouble? everythings my fault, i have no one to blame but myself coz theres no way i can be that unlucky. i dont know what i do, why i do it or when i do it, but i always somehow get involved in some sort of altercation, even if im just minding my own business. if it happens again il kill myself.

has made me realize that I’ve moved on.
Are we still together?
Yes.
We are still good friends, and our relationship has changed of course, some areas are looser, others have moved direction into new and nourishing ways. In some things, we have just decided to allow each other the space to be nurtured by other people.

We’ll always be good friends no matter what.