Practice healthy consensual nonmonogamy

1. A-Level Safety.
Kissing is fine, but otherwise barriers (condoms, gloves, dams) on all body parts that might come in contact with another’s bodily fluids. For now, no intercourse even with a condom. These rules may be relaxed with longer-term partners (should any come along) whose trustworthiness, safety habits, and medical history have been proven.

2. No surprises.
I need to hear someone declared a player on our emotional/sexual playing field before I hear that they scored, if you know what I mean. Yes, this cuts down on spontaneity, but that’s what I need right now.

I think we’re both in a more secure place now and feeling like the time is ripe for sending little tendrils of love out beyond our partnership. So far so good!

Read this entry about my newly completed goal, experience compersion.

Maybe one day, I might be ready for this. I have friends who are and I totally am in support of it. Love can take all kinds of forms and be with all different kinds of people. I actually think it is very beautiful for someone to be open to loving more than one person romantically at a time… shows such an open loving heart!

But for now, while we’re in counseling, practicing nonmonogamy is going to have to go on the back burner. I’d like to be sure I can handle having a healthy relationship with even one partner first.

I believe that only love is essential in a relationship, everything else can and should be negotiated. People have different needs, interests and desires, and nothing but communication between partners can make monogamy or polyamory work.

In the past our partnership agreement has been loose and verbal; it developed over conversations and experiences here and there over the years. Whenever I am in a situation where I am faced with choices about attraction to another partner, I almost always feel a sliver of doubt and worry in addition to the giddy excitement. I try to put the needs of my primary partnership first, but I’m not always exactly crystal clear what those are.

Yesterday I was reading the earlier entry on this topic, and my own emphasis on clear expectations. Hm, funny I don’t have any, if I think they’re so important! So I whipped up a little text document, “this is our current agreement as I see it,” and emailed it to my Sweetie. He’ll read it and it will serve as a starting point for conversation.

Non-monogamy/Polyamory is not for everyone but it’s definitely worked for me. I’ve been officially non-monogamous for 13 years and in an ongoing nonmonogamous primary relationship with the same person for 11 years this week. She is the love of my life and I want to be with her forever. But we have had long-term relationships besides our own for over nine years and have always had intermittent, consensual, occasional, safe & sane fun with others from the beginning of our relationship.

Is it cheating? No. We are not breaking any vows or promises to each other. We have rules that we hold sacred and abide by them. Is it healthy? It is for us. I cherish our relationship with each other and the other people who have come into our lives as a result of our polyamory.

I have waffled about saying anything about this part of my life here but I feel the same way as Flash. I want to truly be myself in this space.

I love my partner and I love my other long term secondary partner (9 years and counting) and I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone else’s for the world.

But I want to be more “out” about it on 43Things, so people won’t be confused about the goals that otherwise might seem to conflict. Yes, I do want to flirt with and date and kiss lots of cute gals & guys—and I want to nurture my partnership with the vegan sweetie that I live with and have been writing about since I joined this site. I want to have it all: the love and trust and security of an established relationship, plus the fun and freedom of pursuing other romantic entanglements as they come up. I don’t see this as having fun at the expense of my partner’s feelings; we each truly celebrate the other’s joy and pleasure, even joy and pleasure shared with someone else.

A few years ago I was very judgemental of folks who chose this lifestyle (so of course I anticipate the same reaction when I share about this choice). I made lots of assumptions about their mental health and what I perceived as their unwillingness to grow up and be responsible and commit to one (and only one) mature adult relationship. Now I have released my judgements and am trusting my heart and my feelings. And this feels right to me.

Of course it’s a risk. I totally acknowledge that it could all end in heartbreak and pain for everyone involved—but then again, so could any deeply felt connection. I’m willing to take the risk, in order to experience a new relationship paradigm.