Briefly commemorate 43 People who have made an impact on me

::sigh::

ok.
so we’ve had the “why we never slept together” talk
we’ve had the “LIFE” talk
you’ve held my face in your hands to tell me what i meant to you, years ago talk

with you: rope swing
with you: red wine, gary jules, pot smoke and ecstasy
with you: total openness.

dude, i’m just gonna say it:

i love you.
always have.

always will.

i’ll see your name in lights one day. 2 years ago

I’ve only known you for, what? A week?

And already, I can tell from your eyes, I can tell from my trembling hands, you are changing me, evolving me, coming close to me in a way I haven’t let anyone in almost a year.

In just a week:
magic genies
water park
making out
new music
planning, planning, planning

and

“you inspire me.”

and

“i’m…really happy i met you.”

and you’re beautiful
and i’m a little scared
but not enough to run away

i can’t wait to see you again 3 years ago

Do you know that I STILL dream about you?
And that in those dreams we always dance around the idea of tearing into each other again?
I destroyed your heart at one point
What I did drove you to near alcoholism

It wasn’t all my fault. I have to remind myself of that. I gave you many opportunities to prevent me from doing what, in later years i realize HAD to be done…it was written in cosmic calligraphy…the stars still sing echoes of it over my head

you were one of the most beautiful people i have ever known!
you showed me the desert and freedom and mushrooms and sex and music and art and how to make beautiful things from driftwood

you showed me Waking Life and how to make key lime pie
and then…you lost me.
because of spain and a sword. and you sent me into the arms of a magician.

i’m sorry i caused you such pain
but look where you are now! in the arms of a beautiful new love, in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

in the end there are no regrets. only colors woven in fabric.
thank you for everything you gave me. 4 years ago

to think…
i was your first lay
and love

happened together, you see

college
ha!

you wore all black
all
the
time

you were a song writer in the fashion of mike doughty and thom yorke…you even LOOKED like thom yorke, you weirdo!

i nursed you through a vomiting episode that…i guess defined you
unable to deal with joy, happiness, luxury, looniness
without some taint of sickness
i rode with you to the hospital
waited all night
slept in your bed
and when you came back, you never said thank you
you NEVER said thank you

but i loved you with an intensity that i was just understanding…i have loved many since you…and with a much deeper passion…but you were my outlet for despair and cynicism that i learned once i was away from my spectacular safe bubble in california…head and heart first into the dead winters of massachusetts…writing epithets and fuck yous in the snow during one of our countless treks into the night

how many dawns did we watch, my former love?
dark knight,
bullshit artist

i don’t miss you
but i’m not sad i loved you 4 years ago

E for…
Eccentric
Extra Sexual
Euphoric
Electric
Energy
Evil

you redheaded spitfire….
you quintessential demoness
your cat tried to claw out my fucking eyes!!
you tried to cast spell after spell to insulate you in your own desires for sex, conquest and leadership
and yet…

your smell
your eyes
your ineffable charm

who could EVER forget you, fire spinner?
did you think we ever would?

dragons
fae

the marriage could never be sanctified

every time i think of you, the universe takes note

be well
but i doubt our friendship will ever be reforged
not even dragon fire can melt those shackles 4 years ago

you came into my life at a time where i desperately needed you:

-put together
-full of life
-full of laughter
-full of sensuality

we were always an odd pairing: a hippie and a jock, a spiritualist and a realist, an aspiring yogini and a cutthroat soccer, hockey and football player

nothing went wrong per se
we didn’t fail
i had to tell you that

for what it was worth, it was fantastic…i saw wyoming with you, i danced at more than one wedding with you…you gave me that eye gaze and i blushed and giggled away from it

you were 10 years my senior…i didn’t notice it until the very end

there are some patterns that one can never break
some demons we just refuse to face

i will miss you… 4 years ago

you were in love with me for six years
and i said no to many of those kinds of advances

we’ve still managed to make out, see each other naked, and talk to the Divine together without it disrupting this incredible friendship i’ve managed to forge with you over the past 7 years now

no one understands me like you…no one

you out of everyone else understand why i react to music the way i do, why i think certain things are funny and why i feel…so…much…

we are scorpios…we are soul twins in a lot of ways
we are finally coming back together after almost a year of separation

viva la resurrection!!

you are the twin brother i never had. 4 years ago

I wrote out the names but so many of them are names that I do not want go on about here.

It’s done. 4 years ago

I have been working on the list to post and then an individual entry on each person after that.

It’s a tough list to make. Do I focus on the recent people or those from my youth? Both have made an impact but at this vantage point it’s hard to say which have made the bigger impact.

Anyway, the list is coming. 4 years ago

Wonder if you’ll ever read this…

It’s funny to see some of me in you…to see how Mom and Dad made us both into these odd flowers, that struggle to bloom, in spite of self-doubt and guilt

we KNOW we have it
we KNOW we’re magic, and mom’s magic and that life is sweet and sexy and that everything is important

and despite all this serious contemplation, no one can tell a fart joke like you…

no one else makes me laugh so hard that boogers come out of my nose

i will always worship you for that :)

booger love… 5 years ago

godamn you

i know for a fact that if we reunited after all these years i would STILL be in love with you
i would still want to take your hand and skip off to bora bora to drink mai tais, play with sea turtles and manta rays and tickle the everloving shit out of you

you even kissed me, you heartless schvanz

on PROM!!!

where are you now, vagabond?
hotel managing away?
travelling to switzerland, to the ukraine, to bora bora
without me?

i read a poem you had submitted to our lit mag when we were seniors in high school
it was called “my big swollen Nietzsche”

why the fuck didn’t you just marry me? 5 years ago

it’s funny i should write about you here
it’s funny we met online and we felt like we’d known each other forever…like we’d picked up from a conversation we left off eons ago

a cancerian you are and how
you have the moon’s eyes and temperment

only in pictures i’ve seen of you since, you’ve lost some of the moon’s fullness…how tiny you’ve become

we were lovers and giggle sisters

you were waxing when i first met you
and then just before i left, you turned new
you turned cold

and you laughed at me

and i left frustrated and confused
and remembered why i stayed away from too many serious relationships with women

you still intrigue me
your writing still encourages me

you are still the moon
and i still rely on lunar memories to remind me of who i am 5 years ago

you crazy, wild child
i look at this plumeria that i have for flower avatar week and all i can think about is the smell of that flower stand we worked in at the del mar fair all those years ago

would you like to smell a tuberose?

and those fried artichoke hearts…the roxy, the beach, your wonderful, loony mother who may be one of the oldest souls i’ve ever known

memories! inverted nipples, Mr. Smith, terrorizing your mother with nudity, spamwiches, moo cow, digging until we hit the ocean (remember when we held our ears to the ground we thought we could hear the waves?)

you were the only one at that nazi institute they called a school that found the need to be close to me…remember how much we laughed when regina got her tongue stuck in that pinapple juice can. ha!

i remember your dad’s pool, and making recordings on tape where all there was to hear was hysterical, fae inspiring laughter

you chipped my tooth and slammed me into a tree you loon! :)
and we finally smoked pot together that summer in SD

when will we make it out to the desert, girly?
when will we watch the moon collide with the ocean?

you are the only one in my life with the title of “best friend”

i need to call you, very very soon 5 years ago

where did you go, fae child??

how are these passionate encounters always so brief?
you and your girlfriend both had such witchy, red hair
you were a child at the age of 23
you always will be
in the best of ways…your innocence, your intuition

you taught me astral projection was real, that spirits were real, that past lives were real

you also helped us put on the best showing of jesus christ superstar ever done

bar none :) broadway didn’t have shit on us

i sent you a letter with glitter and inquiries years ago, but i never heard from you
the last time we saw each other, we ate at the CPK and talked about smoking pot, which you had just done for the first time

you were dazzling
never stop shining 5 years ago

i was destined to meet you

and when we met it was as though we had expected it all along

“oh THERE you are! it’s been a few lives, how the hell are you??”

then you taught me the mysteries of crowley, the dance of magick, the power of the mind and how certain crystals could unlock hidden chapters in the brain and heart

we fell in love so fast it almost phased me
we wanted to run away together

but all we had was 3 months
then i ran back to boston
and you kept tabs on me with your cards

i dreamt about you for years, and they were always some of the most realistic and powerful dreams i’ve ever had

if i never see you again in this life, i am almost certain i’ll see you the next time around 5 years ago

9th grade
short, roly poly in your mid 30s
charged with energy, sexual, poetic,
passion

you taught us that poetry wasn’t snobbery, that it was a celebration, something to be worshipped and created with the utmost respect and love

you read “How to Eat a Poem” while eating a pear
juice dribbling down your chin
chunks of fruit flying onto desks

never apologizing

you literally changed my life, you changed the way i perceived the world

they kicked you out of school for “sexual harassment” when in fact it was that a rich girl’s very rich parents didn’t like that you talked to us like adults, because you saw our potential more clearly than almost any other teacher at that school

i wish we still kept in touch

how i miss you. 5 years ago