stop

trying to find, a good side about men..yah, m’bad, perhaps bitter
But honestly, do they ever grow up? Are they ever actually, there when needed? Mom’s are, 24 hours, on call, reliable, dependable, like “On Demand”...men come and go, are there when they feel like being, gone, when the whim takes them else where
I wish I would have put “Try to figure out men” as a goal, I would have so checked it off, as something not worth doing!

I have become so anti-social lately. It’s like I want people in my life, only on my own terms…when I have the time, only when I need someone…......and I so dislike this about me….I was never like that…...and oddly, I do feel better, actually much better, after I sit on the porch and hold the neighbors baby…she’s amazing.I dont want to miss that! Or when her 2 year old wants me to playball with him…..I do know, I feel better after …....I just need to stop the negativity…

I’ve realized that my own fear has been holding me back. I have nothing to be afraid of. All the love I need, I already have, inside myself. I have to stop lying to myself. Reality is reality. Without my emotions, I need to see things as they really are. If someone is not being good to me, they are not good for me, no matter what they may say. I cannot live against myself and my inner voice. I don’t need to. I do not need to prove myself worthy to anybody. I want to simplify. I want people in my life who want to be there and who love themselves. Who understand love and realize that it is not about controlling anyone or changing anyone. Now that I have realized that, I believe I will have more people in my life who feel the same.

It hurts too much to continue on this path of unhappiness. This path of predictability of my relationships that are doomed to fail. Will my fairy tale ever come true? Possibly, yes. It will be better than a fairy tale, but it’s up to me to make it happen. I have to stop doing the things that are harming me. These guys all have the same traits in common. Starting with my father. I am not enough for them, but at the same time, I am too much. I am too much, yet not enough to be deserving of their love. Not funny enough, not sexually enough, not spontaneous enough. Not caring enough, not nice enough, not strong enough. Too verbal, too emotional, too opinionated, too independent, too anxious, too clingy, too dependent. Too smart, too pretty, too good, too crazy, too strong, too bitchy, too annoying. I have been told all of these things, not always with words, but sometimes with them, yes. Contradicting, yes! Who am I? What they say I am or who I know I am? I lose myself in them. They tease me. With their words, I am their everything. But their actions cannot follow through. It hurts my heart deeply. I give my life for them. I give my love, my life, my body, my time, my energy, my soul, my everything, my all, if only they will see and give me a piece of their heart. It never happens. I am angry. I am mad and hurt and bitter inside. I give my everything. I gave my everything. My soul has been torn apart for love. For a taste. For counterfeit moments. Moments of deceit that seem like peace, but cause a hurricane inside of my heart and soul and mind because I know the truth. I sense the truth. It’s all pretend. If only I could grasp something real. If I could grasp that there is someone that loves me, just because. And to hold on to that truth because I know how weak I am without true love. I am capable of destroying myself in search of it. I have no strength or courage to be alone without a sense of love. A hope of love. Lord, is this a re-run? Or is this my moment of freedom? Is this another fake breakthrough? Or is this going to be peace and clarity of myself for once in my life? Am I going to learn to love myself enough to stop giving myself to bad people? Am I going to sense your love so deeply that I can move on from my destructive behaviors of myself?

Whatever it may be.

“Did you hear the “t-shirt song?” my 23 year old co-worker asked…obviously, she loves the song
“Yes, but I am not getting all of the words..for example, I am going step outta this dress and these….???” “These what?”, I asked her.
“Jimmy Choos, dah”
“Exactly what the hell is Jimmy Choos”
Jimmy Choos? Jimmy Neutron, I have heard of, Jimmy Choos?
Rolling her eyes..
“They are shoes!!!! He’s the designer…Geez!”
Why couldn’t she just have stepped out of her payless shoes..now that I would have understood!
I need to STOP listening to music, with the exception, of Bob Seger, the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac…at least I knew, what they were saying!

my high blood pressure seriously…we had a healthy fair at work..bp was 160/106…....gets harder everyday to laugh and dismiss the numbers off…..

as Palan…for the moment, by the time March 2009 is here, everyone will be like Sarah, who? Oh yeah, thats right, the hockey mom thing, right? A perfect example of when a microphone becomes your shovel.

“empty bottle fairy”..no, not kidding..this is a problem!
What am I thinking? Do I actually beleive, that if I keep empty Excedrine bottles in the junk drawer or empty pop cans in the frige, that somehow, in the middle of the night the empty bottle fairy will show up and magically replace all the missing items? Who am I kidding? I pratically have to bribe the tooth fairy, into showing up these days….
“Ya know, you have had ALOT of kids…wing fuel..doesn’t grew on trees you know?”
“But she’s only 6, you heartless fairy!” I try to explain
“Well, last time I was at your house, I saw some defianate 21 year molars under that pillow! I take this fairy business, pretty seriously and if you can’t be honest about the teeth, how are you going to be honest about the empty bottles?”
I am threwing them out tonoght, far be it from me, to stand in a fairies way!

find a way, to make you more secure about yourself….I would do it…...but I need to stop..feeling that I am responsible, for how you feel….and you just won’t stop…..stop pressing the buttons, that you know, will upset me…...that you see race, sex, creed, as a way to be superior, and you use that every chance you get….and you hate….that I teach, our children, that we are all the same…..you are their best teacher however, for they don’t want to be like that..feel superior because somehow, they were born white, verses, being born a person of color, or different creed…....I am happy that I stopped, letting this be an issue, when it comes to the education of my children…They will be smarter, they willl be more accepting, they won;t be someone, that drags everyone else down around them, to make themselves feel better