Listen

In fact, I didn’t do it at all. I couldn’t, there was so much anger and so many lies. Manipulation, twisting words… I had had it. Now, here in the light of day, I wish I would have listened a little.

I think I am slowly, slowly learning to listen to what other people are saying. It isn’t always easy, and can sometimes be quite hurtful, but how else am I going to learn and grow unless I’m open to the truth of others, and unless I’m willing to listen to their side of the story – and there are so many, many sides to every story.

It was hard to listen to what my sister had to say, and I can’t say I agreed with it. It has taken me about 5 days to get to the point where I can say that: I’m glad I called and that I think I can appreciate (if not “agree”) with what she had to say. And honestly, I’ve learnt something really significant here, and so I’m going to proceed with learning how to listen.

My sister had something really interesting to say about listening the other day…but of course, I can’t remember what she said! Which rather justifies this project. It was something to do with listening, and not getting caught up in someone else’s “stuff” – you know, the emotional garbage that people lay on each other, such as, “you made me feel…” etc., when really, it’s their feelings they’re talking about and you are not the “cause” of them. Well, I am a complete sucker for these sorts of accusations – in fact, I don’t even need to be “accused” – if someone is angry, I immediately feel their anger and try to appease it, or I will resent it, or I will try to “understand” it, or manage it in some way….

In other words, I need some boundaries. Or I need to learn how to let people be and feel exactly as they are, and do. I need to grow the hell up, and let people be their own person, and feel their own emotions without getting all traumatized about it…

I need to become an empathetic and detached listener.

I’m going to switch my focus to concentration for the time being, because I’ve got stuff to do, and I know very well that when I have to focus, I start tuning people out – this is just how it goes. Will get back to this latter.

Realize, that I’m not that interested in listening to other people, which is why I made this a goal, but the fact remains, that I’m really not that interested. Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. Much of what I hear, I really don’t want to listen to. I really am the author of this non-existent problem, and its solution: “listening”.

I can find listening to other people really painful, and even hurtful, which is why I learnt to tune them out, and why I live in fear much of the time. I’m not afraid of what I’ll hear, I just fear the connection. I need to learn how to defend myself in a healthy way. And I need to learn how to listen – in a way that is safe and respect toward myself. I would like to hear through what people are saying, to what they are really saying. I think what my sister was saying the other day was: this is my boundary, I’m not going to let YOU hurt me anymore. Well, that’s fine, except – she hurts me ALL THE TIME – through just ignoring me and shutting me down. It is humiliating to try to “talk” to someone like this – in fact, it may very well be impossible. There is no trust between the two of us. I know she thinks this is my fault – but it isn’t my fault. Also, I can say that I would be perfectly fine never talking to her again in my life – it would make that little difference to me, and probably do me a whole lot of good.

but obviously, I have a long way to go with learning to listen, and with relating to people, period.

I want some kind of connection with my sister that is not possible, and I guess I am mourning that fact, on some level. I really do wish she was a different sort of person. I mean it. I don’t just wish we had a different relationshp – I wish she was a different person. I don’t like her very much; in fact, I think I seriously dis-like her, on a rather deep and fundamental level, and I just don’t see that changing.

She isn’t evil, and she has her good points, but she is a total bitch so far as I’m concerned, and always has been.

There is a lot of lunacy to listen to out there, and a person does need to be a discerning and discriminating listener. At the same time, I really need to develop some kind of “listening boundary” – so that I can listen to the craziness and not have it affect me, emotionally. It’s time to work on a serious listening practice. I need it for my work, and I need it for my life.

I need to pay attention to what I’m listening to, when it comes to the stuff running through my own head. I have large chunks of time open – unscheduled, and all to myself. I’ve gotten very used to indulging whatever fleeting thoughts drift past…who knows? They might be the germ of really good idea…and then I inevitably take a walk down memory lane…

No more. The next time I want to walk down memory lane, I’m going for a walk. I am beginning to realize that my mental health is not good consequent to this sustain isolation. It’s not that I’m getting weird or odd, but it’s affecting my character in negative ways – as in, an untoward level of self absorption as I imagine this post gives evidence to. Lesson noted.

to the present moment, to my particular place in space and time. It’s about allowing it all into my being, into my body, my mind, my head, to travel through me without fear that it will hurt me or kill me. Listening is about letting go of all my defenses, and being, being alive, being here. It’s about listening to my body and listening to my fear and letting it go, it’s about releasing control, and trusting that what I hear, and what I feel just is. My anxiety is huge – and when I listen to it all other sounds are drowned out, but I just keep listening and I know there’s a world beyond my fear. I listen to that silence and that openess. I can hear my heart beating. I listen to that. I can hear my own life, inside this world. I can hear my breathing, and I can hear my pulse. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’ve even been born yet. I am listening for that sound. I am listening to my life.

Today I will consciously try to listen very very properly…

Part of listening is learning what not to listen to, I think. I will do a bit more research on this topic. Listening is very intimate and I need to be mindful of what I’m letting in.

On another note – I want to listen to music. My ears need beauty and sound reason. I need to listen to more live classical music and supreme court decisions.

It would be nice to have someone to go to the symphony with. I really need a boyfriend. But in order for this to happen I need to:
- totally clean my apartment and buy stuff, ie., linen
- organize paperwork and create proper working space, ie., desk
- talk to people I don’t know that I want to know
- look around, pay attention, be open – listen with my eyes and body
- believe
- trust
- trust people
- listen to my heart, and what I really need. trust it, respect it.