put myself first

I always put other people before myself and try to make them happy instead of making myself happier. I realize now that it’s wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this. If i’m not happy then I can’t make other people happy. I need to be happy first and then I can make other people happy. I don’t know how i’ll make myself happy though. It’s so hard, there’s a long road to happiness for me… but i’m trying. I have to be stronger and fight for my happiness.

very soon….

I have realized that I always put people before me and it ends up being a mess because is like not appreciating yourself.

This is such a difficult goal for me to even grasp, mentally, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. It’s something I need to focus on whenever possible. Sometimes I get confused and think I’m being rude. I guess that goes to show how much I’m willing to bury my own interests – I think it’s rude to express myself! Maybe it’s because I always hear a voice telling me I shouldn’t want to do this, that other people’s feelings, attitudes and such come first. But I know that I should be paying more attention to what I need. At times I think what I need will come through others, and I focus on the importance of serving them to get what I want. But it shouldn’t always be like this. I think its difficult to be in a position of servitude because it’s hard to get out, if you ever want to. Most people are a certain way already, either master or servant. I have tried doing both in my life, at an attempt to gain better understanding of both worlds, and balance. Maybe right now what I’m trying to do is incorporate both philosophies into my style of living. It’s a great challenge, but I still do not feel that I’m getting it right. I find myself in situations where I go along with others and can’t enjoy my time there, or exercise enough will or assertiveness to feel as though I’ve made the time my own. And there are still many instances where I subordinate myself and my desires to the will of others, neglecting my own, out of fear. To some extent it may be because over the years I have put pride and egoism in a bad bin. There are better words to describe the various states of self confidence and appreciation, but I guess it takes a lot of work to earn that. I guess I have not yet learned what it truely means to serve others unconditionally, or else I would be wiser now. And in that case, I am still a ways from my goal. Because in order to understand myself and the world around me, I feel I should know the power of self sacrifice, I feel I should deeply understand the mechanics of it, so I don’t fall victim to my own devices in the process of becoming greater. I dont feel that I should have to cull the talents and skills of others, I feel that others should desire to support me without persuasion, and I am familiar with that feeling, so it is possible.

The only reason that I feel the need to throw this one into the mix is because sometimes I tend to get carried away doing things for others which can drain me to the point where I can’t give anymore and that’s just as bad as being completely selfish cuz you can’t give to others unless you have a surplus above and beyond your basic needs…

Well I quit my job, I left London and moved into m boyfriend’s dad’s place, I’ve been on little trips around England and to Spain visiting loved ones. I pretty much sleep when I want to and eat what I want to these days. I’m spending a month with my family for christmas, a whole month! Then I’m off travelling for an indefinite period.

I reckon I’ve nailed this one. Made lots of time and space for me. Now I just need to maintain it.

I didn’t go to training last night. I let her know that I got held up at work and couldn’t go. She didn’t get back to me so I probably ruined my chances. I’m such a flake. I really am. It’s so sad that I would rather struggle financially than lose my life. My free time is the best time for me. For putting myself first. I’m just going to have to figure something else out. I want to spend more time with my dog and my friends and my man. They are very important to me. Maybe I AM putting myself first by deciding that. I hope so.

My first night of training is tonight and last night I started thinking about how much I’m going to hate having another job that gets in the way of hanging out with my friends. I already have a day job that sometimes interferes since I work later than most people. I really want that money though.

I would really love some motivation is anyone can help!

lately sleep has really run my life. there have been times that i just feel as though i could sleep indefinitely where ever i might be. those moments are usually after days in a row of working, or when i try to stay up later than my bed time. last night we went jogging(in a car) about town with some friends of ours and by 9-9:30pm every sentence i spoke was accentuated with a yawn!! i wished i could have stayed out longer, instead i chose to go to bed. i know i need the sleep, so i sleep. i don’t think however it’s doing much for my marriage!

I have wanted to learn to bartend for a long time. Well I finally got the call last week and I have an interview to learn how to bartend at a bar in Hilliard. The reason why I put this as an entry under ‘put myself first’ is because I have been putting off getting a second job because of the time want to be available for my friends. However, now that the economy is in such a downturn and I’m struggling financially, it is time that I put my “want-to’s” aside and put myself first. I need to make some money to put down on my credit card debt and get my head a little further above water. They said I’m welcome to work either weekend day, so I think I’ll just have long days on Friday’s where I’ll work from 9-6 and work at the bar from 730 to close. I still want to have my two consecutive days off. I will make this work. This is for the betterment of myself. I’m putting myself first!