This is now my most important goal, which I clearly have to write about at 2 AM because I’m ridiculous and make silly sleep-related decisions when I have time off from school.
I feel like this is the most important goal in my life right now because it’s the most difficult one, to both articulate what I mean, and actually stick to.
I feel like lack of genuinity…which I’m defining for my purposes as ‘straightforwardness’ and honesty about onesself..is the root of what goes wrong in my mind sometimes. So often I want to connect with people or do things but feel bound by discomfort in who I am, so I end up deliberately concealing bits of myself. It takes 11,000 years (give or take some centuries) for someone to (usually unwittingly) break down those barriers so that I say what I mean without hesitating or altering.
It’s such a nebulous concept, being genuine, but wrapping myself up in fears tends to allay the tension short term and make me lose sight of what I really feel I am in the long-term. I don’t want to lose myself due to fear, so I will take steps to speak plainly about who I am whenever I can.
Perhaps an edited version will come later, I can barely think right now2 months ago