hug my kids more often

I wish I could tell my son…that I am proud of the man he is in his current relationship…for he is kind, loving, the man, I expect him to be….and I want to tell him, I really like her..for I do…
And I have sat silent..watching this relationship unfold..
A part of me, wants to say, sometimes woman, like the “bad Boys”, the ones that are difficult, hard to figure out…..but in the end, not now, nor perhaps anytime soon, will they realize, what they gave up…
and that at 40, still attempting to change someone, isn’t much fun
So I told him all I could tell him tonight..do the best you can…but if it’s not meant to be, one cannot change that..but put out your best effort, be a man…..one I can be proud of.one cannot stop fate nor destiny, one can only hope..that fate, destiny and your own desire merge as one

my lap, the entire time, we were eating lunch…
I had seen her that day…splash in the lake..make sandcastle in the sand…show me that toothless, 7 year old grin, at least a million times…to her it was nothing, to me it was “savoring”....the moment, the time together…..and as she laid snuggled in my lap….I recalled, how I was with my other two children who are much older now…”sit in your seat, your food is here”...but not with this one, I buried my nose, in her sun drenched hair….I reassured her that, she will have fun, on the remaining two days vacation..with grandma, and her aunt, her sister…and when I had to leave…watching those big tears well in her eyes, I tickled her belly…told her she would have fun..and wished, that I would have “savored” that moment with each of my children…..

that I had today, turned into a total rain out…I stuck it though…..even with the eyeliner running down my face….
I couldn’t help it…..for she said..”Let me cast one more time mom, I see that fish, really I do..” and she flashed that smile, that even with the eyeliner running down my face, she saw, only her mom…...smiling….and saying Good job Eileen, I see that fish too!

I could not get home fast enough..to hug you
that I could not wait to wrap my arms around you and tell you
“I am so proud of you, and of me..”
Not because you were accepted into the school of your dreams, but because, you tried so hard to get there
And because, I myself, as a mom, am still really, getting to know, this talented, fascinating daughter…
I know in the past, I have not encouraged your writing, told you, that the life of a writer is difficult, that you will spend more time starving than you will eating….until now, till you let me read this beautiful gift, you have inside you
you are still learning about your gift, how to use it, to tweak it..and I am, left amazed, at the wonderful daughter, that I am so proud to call mine…

....on the cover was the pictures from the “Steelers Victory Parade”....our #10 Santonio Holmes, smiling an waving to the crowd…the man who scored the touchdown in the last five seconds of the Super Bowl…..
“I can’t wait to hang these pictures, in my cube at work”, said my young friend who was with me.
“I make memory books, for my children, when they leave for college,” I replied…”I have four years to save this paper..
and when I tuck it in my daughters memory book, I will simply put a sticky note on that says…Always remember, never give up….most people become hero’s in seconds…not days, years or hours…”

I think I learned that today..
I could not help but call my dearest friend..remind her that she is to come and celebrate Christmas Eve with my family….she is a widow…and her children do not live close to her….we have always shared a connection, I deep friendship, but it grew so much deeper, when her husband and my father passed away within weeks of each other, in the same hospital.and it bothers me, that this wonderful woman, who hosted countless, Christmas celebrations at her home, welcomed everyone..should spend one moment of this holiday season alone, but I am so gratiful, that I do not have to share her with anyone..for I enjoy her company….
When she accepted my invitation today, she asked, if she could take my 7 year old Christmas shopping today….
When they returned, my daughters excitement and my friends, were what Christmas is all about….a picture with Santa, some new clothes, new tennis shoes, but the build a bear , was something my daughter will never forget…she just could NOT stop talking about it…..
But after all was said and done, when my friend asked my daughter..what was the best part of today..my daughter replied..having fun with you silly..and imagined her saying it with her toothless grin, and my friend told me she cried..and now I know, that to hug my children more often, is to also, share that wonderful feeling that the bring to me, with other very special people in my life..what a Christmas gift I received today…....blessed by family, blessed by friends..

Exactly what I was looking for and the prices…totally wonderful! For my son, I found a four CD electirc guitar music set..the greatest part, the CD plays the music of Led Zeplin, Jimmy Hendricks, you just read the sheet music provided and play along… too cool! At 9.99, no complaints….For my daughter, a relaxation CD, accompanied by a journal to record daily thoughts..4.99, oh yes! I was picky, but determined, to find special things….at discount prices..I had the goals set before I even went…I did get totally distracted, but…..I refused to buy stuff this year, that I was like they might like they might not…..

The little neighbor girl, smiled up at me, from my door step…We both knew why she was her..
“Come in, I told her, “It’s on the table”
She climbed on the chair and retreived her princess crown she left here the other day….
She put it on her head, and skipped into the living room…
“It’s hard working being a Princess, isn’t it?” I asked her.
And in her best 4 year old voice she said
Wup, it’s hard work!”
And off she, went, to live happily ever after in the duplex next door

..silently…and see her brown hair, and eyes that change, from brown to green…..and the toothless grin, that she shares with me freely…...
And, I smile, as she explains her 7 year old world to me…...so simple,so beautiful…...
And there are times, some many times, when she, hugs me, when I least expect it…
Or kisses me, when I tuck her in a night..
I wonder, how I ever could have thought, she would not have brought me joy…....
She will never know, that she was my choice…..
that I thought of her, at one point, as a choice…
to dismiss her, as a fact of my life
Because I felt I was too old….to have her, that to her it would be unfair, somehow, to have parents, our age….
And it may still be, I am selfish in her love for me…...

But I could never imagine my life, without her…..

my house coat, dragging, behind her..it’s her new blanket, and I remain flattered that it is…...
She curls up on the couch, and lays her head in my lap…
“I am tired Mommy”
“well, you have a cold Eileen”
and I marvel, at her soft skin, as I rub her forehead, trying to get her to sleep
and her profile….her long lashes and her turned up nose….
and I watch, as she tosses, in her sleep, and pulls my housecoat, close to her..
And I am amazed, that to her, I am important..She, hugs me, everyday..I can’t even begin..to repay that debt