let go, be patient and have faith

I’ve been through a lot. I had to let go my past, i was patient for over a year and i had faith. I trusted God to have full control over my life and good things did happen to me. God gave me the strength and i’m proud to say that after living a life of self mutilation and suicide attempts, God comforted me and gave me strength to focus on something that i needed to reach somewhere; my books. I’m happy to say that after the struggles and being messed up, I came out with a distinction in my A level Biology exam and credits in my Sociology exams. I had to let go, i was very patient and i had faith and he gave me a reward!

Thank you Lord Jesus for motivating and comforting me.

this is very hard for me i still think about things in my past people in my past n think i should of done this..blah blah blah. its hard for me to be patient

I’m just retiring this one for now, not because I don’t have patience or faith, but because I’m not concentrating on it, so I’ll revisit it later when I feel the need.

My husband gives me the gift of grace when maybe I don’t deserve it or when no one else understands. I forget this when I am losing it or blinded by my own anguish. As we talked at length yesterday, he understood what only came to light for me then was that I was often angry and fretting and that these emotions resulted from grief over the loss of our son.

When I accused him of being overly preoccupied with his motorcycles, he said that in fact, his thoughts were mostly on me. And that his hobby was a pleasant distraction. I realized from listening to him that I had not been a heck of a lot of fun to live with. But he said that that was okay, he didn’t expect it to be. That he was here to help me get through it. He said, I know you don’t feel good most of the time, and I never tried to rush you along.

I asked him how he could be so enlightened. My husband has the patience of Penelope. He said he was just observant. And that it will take as long as it takes, and that’s all right.

I’m beginning to realize that I’m not very good at this goal. Especially as it pertains to my marriage, and for that matter, it’s not even fun. I see from my last entry that two weeks ago, I was annoyed at my husband, and last night, we had one of those talks that confirmed the root of my unhappiness.

We were a couple that used to have our separate hobbies/passions. Mine is writing, and his is motorcycles. But we made a lot of time to do stuff together. But lately, his passion has been all-consuming on his part. He gets people asking him to do custom work on their bikes, so they come to the house, and end up puttering around here easily for hours, talking shop, talking machines.

And maybe I’m just being immature and unconciously throwing a wrench into his dreams. But I feel lonely and neglected, and then I get monstrously angry and fearful. I told him that he doesn’t share with me as much as he used to, and he said that I just didn’t seem interested in it. And honestly, if you’re going on about machines, I’m not. So I’m having serious trouble supporting what he’s been doing, even though I would really like to. In my heart, the question just nags: “But what’s going to happen to us?”

He says, “We’ll be growing old and taking care of each other and our kids.”

I dunno. I’m thinking very darkly. I find myself wishing I’d married a different sort of man, and scratching my head at the man that I did marry. Or wondering why I got married at all, when I could well be sitting in my own apartment eating pizza and watching entire seasons of “Sex and the City” uninterrupted. Ugly thoughts that are unacceptable to voice, but maybe a little okay to write down.

Will I be able to practice the art of letting go, being patient and having faith, and still have a solid marriage at the same time?

I better remind myself of this goal today, as I feel really, really annoyed at my husband just now. Best to just let it go. But BOY, am I feeling annoyed.

This isn’t just a goal, it’s an attitude for dealing with life. I love it. What a great reminder to have on one’s list.

I guess I’m not connecting to the potential religious aspect of this goal as others are, but it still works for me.

Last week I waged a tough battle against some pretty serious blues. I was in the car one morning, on my way to work, freaking out in my head (loud, screaming, freaking out) about I forget what now. And something snapped, I said “enough!” and took a big breath, and breathed it out, and let it gooooooooo. I didn’t care who I let it go to, I just let it out of me and out into the universe. And surprise of all surprises, it WENT! It was lifted! I wondered what I was so scared of in the first place. So many fears and worries are circling in our heads because we put them there. So I say Enough! let it go.

I mean, really, in most cases, what’s the worst that’s going to happen? And if it is something serious, it’s better to stop wasting time worrying and start doing something about it.

What a wonderful goal!! Nicely put…I will be working on this too!!