be a better slave

I have the problem with keeping a “slave mentality.” I have a pervasive development disorder which seems to make me blurt out things inappropriately. Though I don’t understand it is considered inappropriate until it’s been said. The main issue with me as a slave is I need to understand that my strange humor is not appropriate when being disciplined. The problem is many times it is compulsive, and also I often think out loud. Yes… self restraint is the first step for me to be a more pleasing slave.

I am a good slave..the best..but I just need to obey my master ALL the time! (I have a hard time listening to anyone else) But I am becoming better..this goal is almost done. =)

This is still a goal, or something like it is, but without a Master, that goal has no particular shape. For now I’m giving up on it, but hopefully not forever.

Does obeying just mean doing what He says? Maybe it doesn’t quite work that way (if there’s a chorus of ‘duh’s here, please forgive me, I’m slow). I’m not talking about second-guessing Him, I’m talking about…hmm, I’m going to have to explain by example:

I know He wants me to lose weight, to be healthier, to learn better eating habits. He’s not picky about how I do this, so there are very few “rules,” and I do stick to the ones that exist. Good for me, right? Hrm. He understands that these are big issues for me, so the things He says boil down to, “I don’t expect you to be perfect.” But while He’s being patient, and forgiving me for bad choices, and accepting the same excuses I give myself, His goal is not being met. I try hard. I look those Oreos in the eye and think, “What would Master say if I ate them?” and usually the correct answer is “That’s OK, I understand.” So that means I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, right? buzz. I’m beginning to think that by asking what my loving, patient, understanding Master would say, I’m not serving Him nearly as well as I could. I need to remember what He ultimately wants, and obey Him in that broader sense. He doesn’t expect me to make the right choice every time, every day, but to truly obey Him I need to keep His goal in mind and expect myself to make the right choice more often.

I had several opportunities to be helpful to Master while at the hospital, but those weren’t the kinds of things that are hard for me.

Except…refraining from getting chocolate donuts from the vending machine. It was a close call, but as I was reaching for the buttons I realized that doing something to hurt myself while I was there to support Him was really dumb and counter-productive. It’s a small step, but it’s something.

This goal isn’t just about following rules and doing daily tasks, it’s about changing some things about myself that get in the way of serving. There are definitely some patterns of thinking that I need to work on if I’m ever going to achieve this.

I have serious trouble with the concept of long-term goals when faced with short-term decisions. Eating one cookie isn’t going to destroy the goal of losing weight and eating healthy. Buying one book isn’t going to destroy the goal of paying off the credit cards. Skipping one day of exercise is not going to destroy the goal of making my body stronger. But those things do add up. I need to find balance.

I seem to have 2 modes: “working so hard that I can’t give myself any breaks or exceptions” mode, and “screw it” mode. I’m never going to get anywhere that way. I need to accept that small changes will eventually be big changes, allow myself to compromise sometimes, and keep making the small steps even if they don’t show me immediate results.

I’m starting to learn that this includes being nicer to myself, which is hard, and expressing my needs, which is harder. Hmm.