tell people how i REALLy feel

Well I guess I already do this to some degree, but I need to be more honest about it. I can’t say I’m fine when I’m feeling like killing myself. I can’t tell them I like them, if I actually hate them.

I’m beginning to wonder if I should consider this one a goal I should give up on. It’s all relative, isn’t it? Yes, people should tell people how they really feel – sometimes. When the moment’s appropriate.

I know I can’t tell the people I care about how I really feel at the moment. I’d be lying if I’d use a cliche and just say ‘I don’t even know how I really feel’.

How I really feel is…

Lonely and overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by nothingness. And the waiting. And knowing that after the waiting will come a tonne o’ crap that I’m not ready to deal with. And of course, there’s the desperate nature of my relationship with a certain someone.

Eh, it all seems obsolete written down in words.

I’m very straightforward about things. If I don’t like someone, I tell them to their face. It always makes people laugh…..

i have tons of friends, and they’re all cool but they’re all fake towards me and other people. i feel like i need to snap on everyone and tell them how fuckin stupid they are. I want to be able to listen to rock music and not be critisized for being “white” i dont know… people are bullshit and it pisses me off… im transitioning into being the true me and fuck all this fake bullshit. diG?

this is so worth it!

they usually leave before i can tell them.

everything is my fault. everyone hates me. i hate them too. no one cares if i die, or cry. i had cancer when i was only a baby… do you know what that feels like, being born with whims tumor and hated by your entire family because of it. i wish i could just die so that ‘they’ could stop hating me. but i’m too much of a coward to kill myself. why do they hate me? i did not ask to be born that way. i did not ask to be a burden. i am in high school and i have tons of friends, but no one sees me.. no one knows who i am. why was i born? why am i alive? i don’t fell alive. i feel dead. i am nothin… no one.. nothing. i wish for my 18th birthday but it is fale years that await me for i am only 15. so i say one day to all the world: fuck all you for hating me and not seeing me go to hell all of you for seeing only a pretty face hidden in baggy clothes and messy hair. piss off you bitches for not seeing who i really am.

So I have decided, after much thought that if I ruled the world the first thing I would do would be to tell people what i really feel, about them, in general, really just anything.

Most times I just feel too shy or scared to tell people what I’m really thinking. I avoid confrontation at all costs, it makes me nervous and I just don’t like it. Also, I cry alot. I know if I get into an argument with someone, I am likely to cry. That really won’t help me “win”. So I avoid it.

Honestly, this is really getting in the way of being as happy as I could probably be. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated.

xkcd has a nice cartoon that’s relevant to this “thing” here.

I’m marking this as done because I’m regularly speaking up now, besides… I’m cleaning up my 43T list and I feel like this is actually a part of me living passionately.