pay my rent on time

I might get close to this this week. I am working and anticipating money. As long as I don’t spend a whole hell of a lot… I’ll be able to swing this.

and haven’t gotten all the money. My client just canceled for tomorrow which is really an inconvenience. I need more clients to fill up the time. I have to put up an ad for more work or look up work and see what I need to get myself up to date. I eeded that money tomorrow. Now I’m going to be late again and I feel so guilty even though I am doing the best that I can. I am too afraid to see how much money I have in my account. Maybe I do have enough but it’s very doubtful. My son keeps asking for things. I really hate that. Being an independent contractor really has its’ ups and downs. Maybe I can ask someone I know if they need a day of work since yesterdays work has been cancelled. I know I can do it it’s just that the fear really gets in the way. I am afraid to see how much money I have in the bank. I wish I’d taken it out and gotten a money order. This is really getting in the way of me doing other things. THe fear really paralyzes me and gets in the way of me accomplishin other things like exercising and taking care of my career and looking for other work because I am scared. I am terrified that I will lose my home because this has happened other times and even though I am doing things differently each time I am really, really scared. Petrified, I need to really do something about this. I know I am not the only person with this problem but I suffer greatly and I really need to know what to do. This business is something else. I need real clients that I can depend on. These people may not even pay me. I’m sure he will but he’s really sketchy. I depended on him and he called and canceled with a lie. That’s something new for me, really look for dependable clients. I need to work harder on this. I also need to do the math to see where I’m at with this months rent. I need to know where I am and how much I need. It’s getting really crazy these days. I also need faith that I can do this. I think I am a couple of hundred of dollars off, plus I have money coming in. I am going to take care of the math tonight even though I am afraid and I am going to take care of looking for new clients starting tomorrow and also getting old clients back. I need a new and better system.

According to my calcumalations, I should be okay. I’m still awaiting three outstanding (in both senses of the word) pay cheques from my old work, and with that added to my forthcoming two lots of pay from my new work, I’ll have enough to pay rent and bills and maybe unfuck up my computer. Yeys!