I’m glad! 2 years ago
How I did it: Trying behaviours that I wanted to stop included explaining my feelings more than once, explaining my feelings at all in situations where that should not have been necessary, and putting more energy and positivity into a conversation than he did.
Read how I did it… 23 months ago
I can no longer be my sister’s ersatz bloody counselor. She never follows my advice anyway. It’s only an excuse for her to dump all her ridiculous self-created problems on me. No!!! Not anymore!!! 2 years ago
I have been attempting to distract myself from feeling sad; then I remembered to stop trying. So I will go ahead feel sad instead. This sadness is because I keep thinking of the fight I had with the boyfriend last week & wondering if it is the beginning of the end for us? Or not? Just in general: thinking of it TOO MUCH. 2 years ago
I think this is where a lot of my anger & resentment has sprung from lately: trying too hard. 2 years ago
but I managed to stop myself from doing one of my old “trying” things. If I have to try like that, then I am selling myself short. I will stand to one side and watch failure. I will not step in to help. 2 years ago
We’ve been fighting a lot since my adoption of a zero-tolerance policy for rudeness, aggression and game-playing. By fighting what I actually mean is that I force him to leave the room, or allow me to, and then he has to leave me alone for the rest of the day. This is sometimes quite difficult to achieve, but I insist and insist. He is slowly learning that I mean it. That period of my life, of putting up with his crap, is over.
However, I finally noticed that I hate the long drawn out conversations he wants to have afterwards too. They feel negative. I feel like he is negative and it doesn’t feel appropriate somehow. I’ve been enduring these conversations without really realizing it basically because I spend a lot of time ignoring, or at least not properly paying attention to, how I feel. I’ve been paying more attention to a feeling that I owe him the conversation somehow, or that it’s what’s supposed to happen next.
Now I wonder why I ever thought that. These fights are not normal fights between couples. The kind where you realize you have a difference of opinion or value and once you’ve both calmed down about it, you talk it through afterwards, a negotiation. This is NOT a negotiation. To my mind, aggression breaks the rules between us and he should make it up to me quickly, honestly and simply. Anything else is just a continued negotiation about how negative he is allowed to be with me.
So I’ve stopped trying to make up and I’ve started giving him a restricted window in which to put things right with me. 3 years ago
to be there to help someone in need. Someone in my life is going through a truly difficult time and she wanted to talk to me about it. This is usually the point where I drop everything to be available to help. I don’t do this with everyone or for any old thing, but I certainly do it when someone I care about is going through something of this magnitude. I have always felt it is the right thing to do, like their difficulties are more important than my normal day-to-day activities.
Unfortunately, my life experience is that a sense of ethics and support like this are not properly appreciated and I’m done being taken advantage of by less than thoughtful people. So I first thought about what it was I was planning to do that day and then I let her know when I was available. I prioritised the least of my concerns above the greatest of hers. It felt strange.
She agreed to this and then, lo and behold, didn’t phone me. It felt amazing to have protected the structure of my day such that I was unaffected by this. I had lost nothing.
Normally, when people silently back out of agreements with me, I don’t say anything about it. I feel like it would be petty of me to bring it up because they’re “going through such a hard time”. I think this is where the “trying” bit referred to in this goal comes in. I am always trying to be understanding, supportive, thoughtful and considerate. I am always trying to keep things civil, even when other people are not.
That is another thing I am through with. People who want to be a part of my life must learn to value me and my time, and must learn to honour their agreements with me at the very least with acknowledgement if they can no longer keep them. If I am capable of doing that even when I’m going through a lot, then so are they. Next time I hear from her, I will mention this incident, although I don’t know yet exactly what I will say about it. 3 years ago