wait for him

I got caught up in having a “male” companion…someone to spend time with-he was “someone” NOT the one, I settled…got caught up and realized I was led on…now I’m pissed and feel I am to blame :(

I have this new sense of ease about this, the natural human side wants a companion & sometimes we as women will settle, however I am at ease about what I want in “him” and trusting that when it is time God will have me and “him” ready for one another. This year I don’t want to be bogged down with “does he like me” or “what does this mean” or any of that non-sense….I want to get a few things in order and not be side-tracked by the opposite sex. I trust that God will reveal him to me and me to him when it is time and that I should no longer worry. I will learn and relish and invest in ME.
(I am also aware that this is easier said than done)
Art work by Rhonda Gray- Rasha

In myself…I let my hormones get the best of me.
I need to refocus… I feel like Jill Scott’s “Epiphany” after its all said and done…

I trust you lord….continue to work on me, prepare me and prepare him….I will be patient

I need to begin to listen to my intuition..or spirit if you will. If something doesn’t seem right with him…listen…If a man wants you…really wants you…we would have to question it.

That is the hardest pill to swallow.

He says “Im really enjoying being single right now…but if something evolves…its cool…but Im not really looking for that” We were in a hazy grey area, and he cleared that up real quick…but then he asks if we can still have movie night…which consist of him falling asleep on my lap/thighs (so intimate and innocent and sensual at the same time) he calls it “nuzzling” (Grown men don’t say cuddle lol) anywho..he has the AUDACITY to ask if we can still Nuzzle….can’t lie…I sorta want to, but I refuse to settle or short change myself…I want love…a relationship not a nuzzle buddy…

::sigh::

I seem to always get involved with men who like me and enjoy my company, but they never want to get serious with me….

WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

This is SO frustrating—If we are friends, then you DO NOT get the benefits of a Boyfriend…which nuzling is one of those benefits
...Why…why…why
Hes just “not” that into you—-I feel like Fantasia..If you don’t want me then don’t talk to me….

We average 2.5 hours on the phone daily…He said he really enjoys my company…BULLSH!T—-Its too much…
Im so over it all….
Do I not answer his calls….is it my fault I read too much? Can we just be friends?

I need some retail therapy…lol

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
Anaiis Nin

i’m not waiting anymore. i’m going to talk to him on thursday and call it a day. the relationship isn’t working for me anymore and i’m really focused on doing what works for me right now.

its sad because i’ll miss him but i know that i have to make some sort of change. maybe, if i’m lucky he’ll be able to step up to be with me but if not, at least i’ll know where his heart really lies.

he’s cancelled again tonight and this was to be only our second ‘date’ this week and the first since he’s declared that he needs to deal with some deep psychological depression. i’m just not sure how long i can wait and what exactly i’m waiting for. i’m tired and i’m too old to feel like patience is on my side. i’m losing my spirit and i’m not happy with that at all. i’m feeling lost and alone…

I feel so open right now, so exposed and vunerable, I feel as though I put myself out there, and it is not reciprocated.
To go from daily conversations, to now 48hours and no phone call, is not cool…
I know I am PMS-ing right now, so my emotions are more raw and I am sensitive, but this sucks @ss…
I really tried to keep my distance-not let it/him get to me…
he did *D@mn——and now this
I feel like screaming….I want to cry…I don’t like this @ all…
ugghhhh this feeling is….too much—-Isn’t it crazy how we can go from this intimate moment, a high…to this level of madness in 2days…
I don’t want to beat myself up…Im really trying…but I feel like I let myself down…arghhhahhahhahhh!!!!
I need to let it out… I am really sad and upset over this::sigh::
so again..I’ll continue to wait for him…not R…but HIM