be less defensive

I can get defensive easily when questioned, targeted, or falsely accused. My boss and others believe this defensive reaction is a sign of guilt, so they discount any genuine plea. I’m sure there are times that this may be a truism about guilt, and that I have been correctly evaluated, however it’s when I am not guilty it makes me most mad to be incorrectly judged.

It’s hard at times. Right now my family is in a modern day family feud and it is really hard to hear the negative things others say and not feel defensive. I slip and then I recover. I have found that writing about my feelngs has helped me get things in their proper prespective.

Generally, I feel I’m a well-rounded person. I welcome growth and acknowlegde my short commings. My biggest challenge in life is to over come my great tendency towards being defensive. I pay WAY too much attention to what everyone around me is saying and doing and internalizing it and making it my own issue. I find that, more often than not, the negative assumption I have reached is incorrect. I long to not take everything so personally, a look, a remark, the negative energy oozing from someone else’s bad day… I dont know where to start! I suppose just recognizing the problem is a step in the right direction.

I think I have learned not to take things too seriously. I know that sometimes it is good to be defensive in order to fully understand what people are saying, for example “what!! you think __ about me?” (getting defensive) and then the other person is like “no!” and they will clarify, it has its positives too :p but in all, its decreased.
Lisa <3

Working hard at this one right now. I have noticed a few times already where I could have gotten defensive, but kept those insecure feelings to myself instead of getting angry and reacting quickly.

I’m not defensive! I’m never defensive! Stop getting at me!!

slowly. Realizing that it is all in my head is what makes this work. actually people seem to like me and are not out to get me. most times still i do conjure up a defense.

I can’t categorically say I’ll never be defensive again – but I’ve recently changed jobs and had a change of perspective, and defensiveness is giving way to other things… unfortunately, the other things are disillusionment and boredom, but still…

I started working in a new setting this week, and had a project due on Friday. The person responsible for getting me the materials kept dragging her feet on half of it, and finally, at 3PM on Friday I asked her if she thought she was going to get it to me. She said no (she was in the same meeting where I learned of the project and due date). So, I went to my boss and explained I could not get it to him by 5, since I was still waiting on the materials. He went and found her and ripped her a new one. This business of being passive agressive when people irritate me is really quite defensive. After I did it, I saw what I’d done, and realized I should have sat her down and showed her where I was, and how what I was working on was so dependant on her. Probably on Thursday. So, I did something bad, but for a change I saw it and saw how I coud have done better. That is what is so different. There, confession is over.

This is gonna be a hard nut to crack. I will definitely need help with this one. It’s become such a natural reflex to immediately go up in arms, that I feel like its embedded in me. I know every habit can be changed… I just need to learn how to change this one.