see him

I was awkward. I went in with a friend and she said hi. he said “hey guys” and i said hey. but i was nervous, of course. I wanted to say something to him in a way, but i didn’t. I didn’t feel any good vibes, just indifference, I hadn’t seen him in like 4 or 5 months so whatever. I wish I just didn’t care anymore because it feels hopeless at this point. If anything, maybe one day I will be with him. But not now. Not soon.

who i love a lot. like mega times a bajillion. he is amazing and i cannot wait to see him again.

I decided that not knowing what you want is way better than waiting for someone to figure out what they want… I know what I want, and now Im stuck waiting. I hate that he gets to decide if this goal actually happens.

Actually I emailed him and he didn’t reply. But I am 99% sure he did get the email. So now I know and I can move on.

I want to know if we can be together again. But I haven’t seen you in years, even though I heard that you’re around. Please cross my path soon!! I wait and hope every day.

i have seen him thrice in the last month which pisses me off completely. we are in the same city and it is convenient to meet up everyday if we wanted to. he has been busy but that’s just an excuse all guys make. right? plus, we can meet up at night cause he is after all, always up at night. or the weekends. we should be able to meet up during the weekends dammit.

what’s notable is that the last time i sa him, i had such an awful time. I was pissed the rest of the night. yet somehow i still want to see him. i tell myself that that’s just so i can verify if he really is starting to annoy, bore and piss me off. but that’s just what i tell myself. my friends know better. and i’m starting to realize they’re right. which sucks beyond belief. my sadomasochistic tendencies are showing in my relationship. fuckin hell.

thing is, his actions confuse the fuck out of me. he’s the one who always calls but the last three times i tried to meet with him, he is always busy. but he still calls everyday. i mean, what the fuck!

friends say that i should stop whatever i’m doing with him. it’s just not good for me. and i agree with them. the thing is, it’s hard. and that’s scaring me.

before, i just found him interesting. now, he seems to mean something more to me. and he treats me so bad. i am so fucked right now.

we’ve been texting for over a month. the date has been pending for that long too. i got a ton of excuses left in my bag and he seems fine about it all. and i honestly do want to go out with him already. just to get it over with.see if there’s anything there or not. but right now, he’s off in the island of paradise. probably boinking someone silly. sometimes, i envy his life. sigh.