be more compassionate

I’d like myself much better if I can increase my ability to be compassionate. I’ve come a long way, but have a much longer way to go. And I won’t give up!

Does everyone deserve compassion? Is compassion a right or a priviledge? Do I owe people compassion? Am I owed compassion?

That last one is the doozy for me… because I think, “YES!” and I act like “YES!”-hell, I live like “YES!”-and I’m starting to see how unhealthy this is. The thought that people owe me compassion, just because I’m me, is usually what prevents me from being compassionate towards them. It also prevents me from feeling worth-while or happy.

Let’s face it, I’m a pretty compassionate person. I help others when I see they’re in need; I’ll even go out of my way for them. I care about most people and animals.

But when I feel like some one is not being compassionate towards me, that all goes out the window. I want to stomp on them. I want to tell them that they’re worthless stinkers (but in more colorful, less G-rate language). I want to see them suffer and tell them I’d help, if only they were worth helping, but since they can’t seem to take the time and treat me with respect and compassion, I am too busy today and any other day in the foreseeable future to help them out. Ha. Hah.

And, the truth of the matter is I don’t even do any of those things. I STILL have “compassion” for the person and I try even harder to prove how helpful I can be, in the hopes that they’ll see what a good person I am. I hope that, as a result of me going out of my way, they’ll treat me better. Then, resentment enters into the ring. I get damned resentful and I still process through the cycle of compassion, anger, resentment, compassion, anger, etc., etc., with no real results.

And that’s why I don’t know if being more compassionate really needs to be on this list of things to do. In fact, I might go so far as to give up. Wanting to be more compassionate because I think this will make others care about me, well, that’s just silly and it’s just not compassion. It’s manipulation.

Perhaps, a better goal-and one that I’ll replace this with-is to be less manipulative. Ha! Good luck with that one! But I can try… and I bet I’ll have better results, too!

I’m back on 43 things as a result of feeling my life floating a bit off track where spirituality and quality is concerned. This compassionate business is a big one that I’m lacking. I stink at being compassionate these days. So, I’m going to rant for a few minutes about how much I don’t want to be compassionate and then come back around to feeling like there is some sort of value in it (hopefully!).

Here’s the thing. I don’t really like people right now. Not only that, but I don’t feel like they really like me. Yep, I’m a bit of an underdog these days. I spend more time thinking about how much people suck than I do thinking about how it’s good to be alive and that people are an integral part of that. I know it’s mostly because of my job and that sucks, too. Bah! Double bah!

The big question for me is where is the line between being compassionate towards someone and being a doormat? Honestly, I don’t know and it’s got me all screwed up. I’m just ranting here and I don’t really need an answer because I think it’s just one of those questions that linger in the air constantly. Doormat? Nice person? Victim? Superhero? Bah!

Why be more compassionate? I know there has got to be value in this task. I know there are times when I am very compassionate, but that’s when it’s effortless. Is compassion that takes effort really just a lie?? So many questions… I’ll have to think about this…

And don’t think that I don’t know how immature I sound with all of this. I sound years younger than I actually am.. and that’s the way it is right now. I’m going through an immature, non-compassionate, people suck phase… neener neener neener.

I have made great strides with this goal and will continue on with it.
Arthur Ashe, :
From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.

My boyfriend tells me that I am the most un-compassionate person ever. I have this sinking feeling when I think about it. I feel that I have been feeling full compassion towards animals ect,, and humans (to a certain extent). Does that mean that my awareness of being compassionate is totally delusional?

I have this problem with my actual self versus perceived self! Against what and HOW am I supposed to judge myself to see how I measure on the compassion-scale? How am I to be more insightful and more aware of my state of compassion?

Feeling at a loss here.

I get the feeling sometimes I don’t really feel true compassion until I realise just how much I was lacking in it, if that makes any sense… When I feel it the strongest, it’s almost always guilt driven. It shouldn’t really be like that, should it? It should be natural, not forced. I should feel the need to remove someone else’s sufferings as if it were my own, or at least feel the same measure of sympathy I used to feel for myself if I were having a bad day.

I noticed this most profoundly yesterday after I had met up again with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. They asked how my family were doing, and I gave them an update on things in general at home. One of the topics I brought up was about my sister; and how she has after dropped out of her medicine course and moved over to Hong Kong to work a few months here and there back in April (and get her breath back from the course she more than likely despised). When I told them she somtimes complains of being miserable over there, I probably had a very sceptical attitude. I was saying how ridiculous it was she could ever complain about being away from home. She’s got our relatives to keep her company; surely it can’t be all that bad! And then hearing it from my friends say how she must feel lonely sometimes with no one to talk to (I suppose having no English speakers around you can make you feel alienated) and homesickness made me stop and think. I felt a little ashamed of myself, to have so little thought for my little sister who I won’t see again until late August.

I never stopped to think if maybe she needed me to call her more often on the phone. Even just a phonecall a day must be something she’d look forward to. I can’t believe how negligent I’ve been with this goal. I’ve been focusing on showing compassion to others, and somewhere along the way forgot to show it to the people who mean the most to me.

Have I a bad heart? I feel so selfish sometimes when I think how little I’ve really progressed with this goal.

Ive been really trying to work at this one. I have someone who Im around that I need to look past the things they are doing.I want to understand what they need from me without all of the emotion and judgement and be there for them.

I took out this book from the library yesterday. It’s called “Universal Compassion” by Geshe Kelseng Gyatso, a perspective of practising love and kindness from the perspective of Tibetan Buddhism. I really recommend it to anyone, even if you are solely interested in just being a little bit nicer as a person. It really did open my eyes on how we might be better able to treat people with equanimity and compassion, whether they are friends, enemies or people we don’t know yet. It certainly is going to help me complete this goal, if I can complete it that is!

I’m trying to control my feelings of hurt and resentment right now, but it’s quite hard. It doesn’t help either that I’m already feeling so bloody confused and miserable. I understand that sometimes people (better not go into details this time) will make you feel like that, so I know this is just a passing thing. It’ll go away, so I should try not to feel so bitter right now. Compassion shouldn’t be forced. I’m going to just give myself some breathing space and try and get over it and start again.

Lately, I find myself getting mad at a lot of people. I take things personally, I think only of my issues. One thing, I know is that everybody hurts. And I think / hope by feeling more kind, my issues will just fade, because, really, I’ve pretty much got it made even if I have had more than my fair share of loved ones die. See? There it goes….......