Stop Being Miserable

empty, sad, alone, worthless, out of place

my name is Priscilla and today is my birthday but i feel i have nothing to celebrate! my mother called me this morning but she said happy birthday . my “Father” called too, but his words don’t mean anything. I have 3 brothers, its 7:45 pm and they still have not called. i live in my friends house because i am homeless i have a job that is so unprofessional that doesn’t even pay what i deserve my life is just useless just like me!

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/10-simple-ways-to-save-yourself-from-messing-up-your-life.html

Wrote this big thing and it got deleted. Will try again. Reading shells entries is like reading my own autobio, word for word. So I want reiterate my own. But it pretty similar. Nobody wants to read the same sad story 20 times from twenty different people. Lets stop individually describing and start fixing.
So here’s my take on it. shouldn’ we do something about this. What the fuck? Everyday I try to think…what have I done wrong? How can I figure this out? I’ve tried everything. Then I think “wait…maybe I haven’t tried hard enough.” “Maybe I should try this.” And Yes, It seems everyday I do figure out a little more, but, should it be this hard?
I always have this feeling like I’m trying to get back home. Like I’ve been trying to get somewhere, and that’s why I’ve been working so hard, but I’m done with school and learning, and preparing myself for work, and now I’m done, and I just want to be Happy agian, and feel good, and go home. BUt now I can’t get there. It’s miserable. It hurt’s mentally. But physically too. My head and back is numb and tingly all the time. I am sore alot. It’s hard to move. AHHH
So what the Fuck. Should we all be sitting here suffering alone and killing ourselves to figure this out?. It seems now that I am not the only one going through this, not even close. So, here’s my proposition. Lets put our heads together and attack this. FIX it. Becauase it seems that some of us are not getting very far on our own.Talk about it. Through e-mail on the phone, whatever, even the really embarrising shit we think no one will understand. Whatever. I hope someone is with me on this. It is April 6th, at 9:00 in the morning. Central time.
Write me about what you are going through. Who gives a fuck if it sounds stupid. My e-mail is nickyboyle@hotmail.com. I’m sorry for the rude tone, but I am sick of waiting here by myself for this to get better.
So more on my story. Took meds. Stopped after seven months. They actually made things worse. They gave me anxiety attacks. Sorry to disappiont anyone who has just started, But we shouldn’t need to take a pill to be haapy. We need to find the problem…and fix it. So..I hope someone is with me. Write me soon.
My name is Nicky, I am 27 and fom Kansas.

Things hit a major low a few months ago. After reviewing some of the comments I’ve received here and talking with some friends, I decided that now that I finally had health insurance which had mental health coverage, it was time to do something about it all. So I started seeing a therapist. That’s been going pretty well. I like to talk about myself a little too much sometimes and it’s nice (even if I have to pay for it) to do that with someone who’s meant to listen and interpret all that I’m saying. This is better than just dumping a bunch of my problems onto whatever friend might be around at the moment.

I also had a psychiatrist appointment recently. I really like the guy. We actually decided that I have ADHD as well as depression, and have decided to try treating the ADHD first. I feel like my weekends get wasted sometimes, and don’t like how easily distracted I can get at work and how hard of a fight I have to wage in order to just work through some simple problems. This is my first week on prescription for that, and already there seems to be some major progress. With the long holiday weekend now upon me, it will be interesting to see if the same waste and frustration shows up, or if I can get a better grip on things.

One of the reasons we went with treating ADHD over depression is that I felt that if I felt like I put in a better work day and actually got things done on the evenings and weekends, I’d feel better about my life again. There’s a lot that I want to do, but just have not been able to do it, or it can be a big fight against my own distracted mind to do it.

So this is my long overdue update. I’m also maintaining a personal “drug diary” to note how I feel, what I’ve accomplished, what side effects I feel, etc.

I called my health care provider today and got some local names that I can make an appointment with. Not to overplay it, but that was a big first step. I’ll look into making an appointment soon.

For so very long now, I know my brain has been a strange one. It has its genius elements, and there are things that its broken nature are very good at. But I also recognize that the kind of mental/emotional pain I’ve gone through, and the way that I can react to things, and on and on and on, is not all that good for me.

I’ve long been of the two common schools of thought in dealing with this:

1. Be a man, suck it up, you’re just sad, move on (although because I couldn’t really deal with it, people have had to put up with me being quite difficult, or worse).
2. It’s OK to suffer for all of the creative output I get (although I’m often too scattered to channel my creative output properly enough to make a good living out of it)

A phrase I started saying to myself recently is “Take away the madness, and it’s not a bad life to offer…” And finally, recently, I’ve started to come to grips with the idea – “hey, why not take away the madness?”

It’s been a combination of influences – from some episodes of the fifth season of Six Feet Under to some interviews and weblog entries with some really talented people who have gone through this, along with finally having health insurance, including mental health, for the first time in a few years – that has led me to seriously think about calling the number on my health card and starting the process of dampening some of the fires in this burning brain.

The past few weeks have had a lot of intense emotion, going from listless depression to some much more expressive forms of it. But the last couple of days, I’ve felt really normal, for the most part. There are some conversations that come up that can feel me with jealousy and other monsters, but even then, the feelings are far less strong than they have been in previous weeks.

Here’s to enjoying these days and to keeping them around.

This sagging feeling, as reported in the last entry, still has me in its grips. It’s feeling like a full bore depression. A few years ago, I remember similar feelings (five years ago, actually), but without the emotional side. I was just really worn out. I had some clever name for it back then, but I can’t remember what it was… But it was about how it was a non-depressing depression.

But what I’m feeling lately is not like that. I’ve got the exhaustion, again. But my mind also goes into places I don’t want it to go. Regrets, longing, envy, loneliness, and… misery! And I stare at this goal. So well worded – “stop being miserable”. But I feel like I can’t shake this.

I do need to get to a gym, or get my bike working again. Maybe that will get blood flowing, weight dropping, endorphins flowing? But the depression is so strong that I feel trapped by the thought “but what does it matter if no one cares?” which is a terrible thought but… the house feels so empty these days. Friends feel distant, and as I sink into this lethargy, I’ve withdrawn as I realize I haven’t been that much fun. So… Blah.

Bad progress. But a note that has to be made, right? I should journal and think through as much of this as I can in hopes that I can defeat it, even if right now it doesn’t seem worth it.

I’m feeling so damn apathetic and lethargic lately. It’s hard to burst out of it. Misery or not, I’m in a slump. I’ve stopped hanging out with a lot of my regular friends because I’ve realized that I’m just not that fun lately. I have very little energy / drive.

It’s killing me.

I’m still doing little things, and some of the things I produce seem to be actually coming out quite well. But there’s no overarching vision that I can line myself up behind. I am, however, trying to at least keep notes on ideas for assorted art projects so that, perhaps, one of them might inspire me to spring into action. Maybe that will happen now, maybe it will happen later.

I feel like I’m caught down in a city of heartbreak and needles, and just doing things for myself is not all that appealing of a proposition these days.

So…. Not doing well on this goal at the moment, nor for the past few weeks. Still – I wanted to get in a little progress report.

Now that I’ve settled into my new place, my old ghosts and baggage have (expectedly) resurfaced and I find myself in a bit of depression this weekend. It seems like my life is meant to only be shared with notebooks, and my bed is only meant to be shared with extra pillows to wrap my arms around.

I try to live things out as much as I can and I really tend to enjoy a lot of life, especially little moments. Sounds, sights, smells, feels. It’s all around me. But it’s disheartening to realize that there’s no one to come home to and tell “I saw the coolest thing today!”

Six and a half years now of being single. I’m afraid that I can’t be anything but. And while I’m working on reminding myself “don’t let that absence define you,” the fear of being forgotten constantly creeps in.

I found some old emails and chat transcripts this weekend – one from six years ago, one from last fall. They both caused me to pause in my tracks and realize, especially in comparison to the older one, that there are so many parts of my life where it feels like I’m not making progress, or it’s gone backwards. The find from last fall is just too heartbreaking and damning in what it means for me to share it here. But after a rather beautiful week spent enjoying my new place, I feel stuck and sunk again. And I just need to remind myself of this goal – “stop being miserable.”