Recently I looked back at some old LiveJournal entries from 5-6 years ago, and I am definitely much better than I was then. Some of the issues remain – I’m still on the lonely side, and seem even more distant from people – but a lot of the bitterness and rancor is gone.
I think a big thing that helped this was that I went to therapy and even to a psychiatrist for a while. I was on Wellbutrin but only briefly, but it seemed to help me break out of the cycle in which I found myself.
Staying home a bit more and being around people less may have also helped as my jealousies and other stupid fits don’t flare up as much, and I think I’m now a better person when I am out. I’ve also cut down massively on drinking by not going out as much, watching my drinking behavior a bit more closely, and seldom drinking when home alone.
Finally, I’m trying meditation and have been learning about Buddhism. I have a hard time committing to anything religious, but over the past year since I’ve started this latest experiment, some things have gotten better. There is a strong psychological aspect to Buddhism that I like which has helped me to think more deeply about some of my own issues and things that make me feel miserable and to try to cut them off, to let go, or to just try to understand them more.
There is a dream version of a life that I wished I got to live, with dates and symphonies and travel and all that kind of stuff others seem to get to do with someone else; but for some reason I just don’t get. There’s still a lot to enjoy on my own and I still have good friends, even though I see them less as we all get older. Anyways, just because I don’t get to live that dream doesn’t mean I have to be miserable. I do think I’m much better off than when I made this goal so many years ago and can mark it as done! 18 months ago